Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
My Heart is Learning to Smile
As time goes on I miss George just as much every single day as I did the day he left. When you suffer such a great loss in life it takes everything you have in you just to breath. Your heart is forever shattered and nothing will ever make it the same again. Pain is something you will always carry with you for the duration of your life. The entire thing changes your life and who you are in just the blink of an eye.
I sat here the other day talking to my sister when she came to pick up my niece since I was watching her. For whatever reason, we always talk about George and tears never stop flowing. We talked about Gabrielle and how she is getting close to the age George was when he died and how very hard it is for me. Every single time I look at her and think of him and it makes my heart flow with so many mixed emotions. Once she has surpassed his age, I don't foresee things getting better as I sit there watching her meet milestones he never got to do.
All of that being said Gabrielle has brought something special to our lives. She is what they call a rainbow baby, a baby that survives after the death of another child, like Noah and the rainbow God sent after the storm. Rainbow babies come with so many emotions. Somehow in all those feelings they teach you how to live life again. It isn't like you weren't living before but somehow they work on your heart in a way that no one else could ever do.
I sat here thinking of a way to explain it and it finally hit me. It is like someone who is severely hurt in a car accident. The person is still able to breath and they are surviving but they are not living. The ability to walk, eat, feed themselves, and all other functions are usually impaired or gone completely. The person has a long road ahead full of tons of different therapies and none will ever make the person the same again but will help them to live in a new way. They are full of little baby steps and milestones that mean the world to the individual accomplishing them, knowing how much it took to do something so many people take for granite.
After loosing your child, you have to find a new way to live and function. The read is long and difficult and each step is not easy to take. Sometimes you have to take a step back to be able to take two forward. You have your good days and you have your bad. There are moments you want to stay in bed and others where you feel like you can conquer the world. Gabrielle is teaching my heart to smile again. She fills my heart with love in a unique way. I love all my children but there is just a different feeling and appreciation you have for all your children after one dies. With her, I know she is my gift from God and she is teaching me how to take those baby steps towards becoming whole again. I will never be the same but I will learn to live again and she is my promise from God that things are suppose to go on. I am truly blessed.
I sat here the other day talking to my sister when she came to pick up my niece since I was watching her. For whatever reason, we always talk about George and tears never stop flowing. We talked about Gabrielle and how she is getting close to the age George was when he died and how very hard it is for me. Every single time I look at her and think of him and it makes my heart flow with so many mixed emotions. Once she has surpassed his age, I don't foresee things getting better as I sit there watching her meet milestones he never got to do.
All of that being said Gabrielle has brought something special to our lives. She is what they call a rainbow baby, a baby that survives after the death of another child, like Noah and the rainbow God sent after the storm. Rainbow babies come with so many emotions. Somehow in all those feelings they teach you how to live life again. It isn't like you weren't living before but somehow they work on your heart in a way that no one else could ever do.
I sat here thinking of a way to explain it and it finally hit me. It is like someone who is severely hurt in a car accident. The person is still able to breath and they are surviving but they are not living. The ability to walk, eat, feed themselves, and all other functions are usually impaired or gone completely. The person has a long road ahead full of tons of different therapies and none will ever make the person the same again but will help them to live in a new way. They are full of little baby steps and milestones that mean the world to the individual accomplishing them, knowing how much it took to do something so many people take for granite.
After loosing your child, you have to find a new way to live and function. The read is long and difficult and each step is not easy to take. Sometimes you have to take a step back to be able to take two forward. You have your good days and you have your bad. There are moments you want to stay in bed and others where you feel like you can conquer the world. Gabrielle is teaching my heart to smile again. She fills my heart with love in a unique way. I love all my children but there is just a different feeling and appreciation you have for all your children after one dies. With her, I know she is my gift from God and she is teaching me how to take those baby steps towards becoming whole again. I will never be the same but I will learn to live again and she is my promise from God that things are suppose to go on. I am truly blessed.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Overcome
Today we headed to church. We try and get there as often as possible but often times something comes up and makes it hard to get there. I am always so thankful when we do get there and today was no different. Something about this season just always speaks to my heart and just being there in the church itself makes me feel closer to God.
There was nothing specific that made my heart swell but it did as I sat there next to Hugh as he held Gabrielle in his arms. I sat there thanking God over and over again for the gifts he has given us and also the struggles because they have gotten us where we are today. Many people would look at our lives and not want to be us but I would truly say I would not change anything in my life. I am so thankful for my family, husband, children, and most of all the relationship that I have with God.
Every single part of me missed my little boy as I sat there thinking of his service and how much our lives have changed since he left. My heart cries as I think of how he would be walking and doing all that stuff that toddlers do. Tears just welled up in my eyes after communion as I sat there thinking of Christ's sacrifice for us and how much I now know that that sacrifice meant and how grateful I am because that means I will be with my son again someday. Until then, I will just keep praising God for the blessings and thank him for letting me be George's mommy for as long as he did. I got to see his personality and love him in such a special way that makes my heart hurt so bad but smile so much just to think about him and the blessing he was to me.
I watched Hugh holding our little girl and my heart could do nothing but praise God for everything. Once again this week we hit our own set of struggles when the roof began to leak during a storm upstairs in Richard's room, right over his bed. Every part of me just wanted to cry but I kept it all in perspective and knew it didn't mean anything in the grand scheme of it all. We still have not fixed it but will work on it. As I sat there at church I just thanked God for everything in my life, even the bad stuff because even through the bad there has always been good. We have overcome so many obstacles and have been strengthened by each one and have been able to put life into a perspective that many people just don't have.
I also thank God for calling me to his folds. Thinking back to where I was before my life roller coaster started, I was very lost. When they talk about a lost sheep, I was like that seeking love in all the wrong places. I am so thankful that I was listening and have the faith I do because I don't really know where I would be without it. It is the hardest thing to just put your life in God's hands and know that somehow all the chaos and bad things will eventually work themselves out somehow. In all of it, I know that there is such a bigger plan at work and allowing myself to be part of it rather than run from it is hard to do but I am so grateful that I have come to know the feeling of peace in my heart to know I am doing things the way they are suppose to be. Faith is such an important and hard thing to come by and takes work on a daily basis and Lent helps to put all of that in perspective. I know with God's help we can overcome anything, even loosing our son. George is not gone, he lives on in every single person that remembers him and is waiting in heaven for us.
There was nothing specific that made my heart swell but it did as I sat there next to Hugh as he held Gabrielle in his arms. I sat there thanking God over and over again for the gifts he has given us and also the struggles because they have gotten us where we are today. Many people would look at our lives and not want to be us but I would truly say I would not change anything in my life. I am so thankful for my family, husband, children, and most of all the relationship that I have with God.
Every single part of me missed my little boy as I sat there thinking of his service and how much our lives have changed since he left. My heart cries as I think of how he would be walking and doing all that stuff that toddlers do. Tears just welled up in my eyes after communion as I sat there thinking of Christ's sacrifice for us and how much I now know that that sacrifice meant and how grateful I am because that means I will be with my son again someday. Until then, I will just keep praising God for the blessings and thank him for letting me be George's mommy for as long as he did. I got to see his personality and love him in such a special way that makes my heart hurt so bad but smile so much just to think about him and the blessing he was to me.
I watched Hugh holding our little girl and my heart could do nothing but praise God for everything. Once again this week we hit our own set of struggles when the roof began to leak during a storm upstairs in Richard's room, right over his bed. Every part of me just wanted to cry but I kept it all in perspective and knew it didn't mean anything in the grand scheme of it all. We still have not fixed it but will work on it. As I sat there at church I just thanked God for everything in my life, even the bad stuff because even through the bad there has always been good. We have overcome so many obstacles and have been strengthened by each one and have been able to put life into a perspective that many people just don't have.
I also thank God for calling me to his folds. Thinking back to where I was before my life roller coaster started, I was very lost. When they talk about a lost sheep, I was like that seeking love in all the wrong places. I am so thankful that I was listening and have the faith I do because I don't really know where I would be without it. It is the hardest thing to just put your life in God's hands and know that somehow all the chaos and bad things will eventually work themselves out somehow. In all of it, I know that there is such a bigger plan at work and allowing myself to be part of it rather than run from it is hard to do but I am so grateful that I have come to know the feeling of peace in my heart to know I am doing things the way they are suppose to be. Faith is such an important and hard thing to come by and takes work on a daily basis and Lent helps to put all of that in perspective. I know with God's help we can overcome anything, even loosing our son. George is not gone, he lives on in every single person that remembers him and is waiting in heaven for us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
