As time goes on I miss George just as much every single day as I did the day he left. When you suffer such a great loss in life it takes everything you have in you just to breath. Your heart is forever shattered and nothing will ever make it the same again. Pain is something you will always carry with you for the duration of your life. The entire thing changes your life and who you are in just the blink of an eye.
I sat here the other day talking to my sister when she came to pick up my niece since I was watching her. For whatever reason, we always talk about George and tears never stop flowing. We talked about Gabrielle and how she is getting close to the age George was when he died and how very hard it is for me. Every single time I look at her and think of him and it makes my heart flow with so many mixed emotions. Once she has surpassed his age, I don't foresee things getting better as I sit there watching her meet milestones he never got to do.
All of that being said Gabrielle has brought something special to our lives. She is what they call a rainbow baby, a baby that survives after the death of another child, like Noah and the rainbow God sent after the storm. Rainbow babies come with so many emotions. Somehow in all those feelings they teach you how to live life again. It isn't like you weren't living before but somehow they work on your heart in a way that no one else could ever do.
I sat here thinking of a way to explain it and it finally hit me. It is like someone who is severely hurt in a car accident. The person is still able to breath and they are surviving but they are not living. The ability to walk, eat, feed themselves, and all other functions are usually impaired or gone completely. The person has a long road ahead full of tons of different therapies and none will ever make the person the same again but will help them to live in a new way. They are full of little baby steps and milestones that mean the world to the individual accomplishing them, knowing how much it took to do something so many people take for granite.
After loosing your child, you have to find a new way to live and function. The read is long and difficult and each step is not easy to take. Sometimes you have to take a step back to be able to take two forward. You have your good days and you have your bad. There are moments you want to stay in bed and others where you feel like you can conquer the world. Gabrielle is teaching my heart to smile again. She fills my heart with love in a unique way. I love all my children but there is just a different feeling and appreciation you have for all your children after one dies. With her, I know she is my gift from God and she is teaching me how to take those baby steps towards becoming whole again. I will never be the same but I will learn to live again and she is my promise from God that things are suppose to go on. I am truly blessed.
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