Today was kind of a hard day. It started out fine but wound up going downhill real quick. The boys have been bugging to decorate for Halloween. To get them to stop we went over to our old house to grab the boxes that we had. I still have quite a bit to do over in the house to finally be out of there but there is a good chunk of it done already.
It is never easy to walk into the house knowing that it will soon no longer be ours. Knowing that it is the place we brought our children home to from the hospital and the place we stopped the day we got married, it is hard to just close the door and walk away. The horrible memories of George's death still linger there but the good memories are there too. It is just a very different feeling walking in there now rather then when we lived in it. Seeing it this way just brings tears to my eyes as I know another chapter in our lives will soon be closed.
While I was rummaging through the boxes, I came across George's book that had his weight/height/shot record in it. Suddenly, I was filled with this deep sadness as I looked at the very last entry dated 01/12/10. I remember that visit vividly and little did I know not much longer after he would be dead. It just ends there and seeing all the rest of the pages empty just hit me hard. I felt as if I had the wind knocked out of me and I just became so sad.
I can't believe it will be almost two years since he died! The very thought of that takes my breath away. Sometimes it feels as if he was never here and then there is this pain that reminds me he was. The memories of him just seem to fade a little more each day and it all starts to blend all together and I hate that. I want to remember every second of his life because it was so short but instead I loose more of him the more time passes and it makes me feel horrible.
We got our decorations and brought them back to my mom's house and the first place I started to decorate was George's mantle where his urn is. It saddens me to think that 1 in 4 people are decorating their child's grave rather then spending time with them. In some ways you try and keep things as "normal" as possible but then again there is nothing normal about any of it. I shouldn't be going on vacation and looking for something small to put on my baby's urn but I am. Every little monkey I see somewhere, I think of my little boy. I want him here yet know I cannot have that and it just hurts so bad.
Yesterday I spent the day with Michael. He had a follow me day at school so I got to do everything he does in the course of a school day. Michael was so excited to spend individual time with me since it is not often we get the chance to do this. He is such a wonderful little boy and I am so thankful for him. After school we had to go grab a few things from the grocery store. Outside on the sidewalk happened to be pumpkins for sale. Michael of course wanted to buy some so I let him pick some out for our family. We picked one out for everyone in the house and of course we had to get on for George. As we strolled the supermarket, Michael told me how he wanted to attach George's pumpkin to a balloon to send it to him in heaven. My heart just broke as I had to tell him we can't do that. God what I would give to be able to do that sort of thing.
I was talking to someone yesterday about being a parent who has lost a child and then to have other children to care for. This has got to be the hardest thing in the world to have to do. You feel this obligation to the remaining children to have it together and still do fun family things but your heart isn't 100% in it anymore. On the days you want to just stay in bed and grieve, you can't. If you cry, they start to cry too. The kids will say all sorts of things that will just break your heart and make you feel so bad even when you were doing well. Life is surely more complicated to loose a child and have others at home and this is often times where God's grace is such a gift because so often I have no idea what I am doing nor do I have the energy sometimes to make it through a situation or just the day.
The holiday season is slowly creeping in on me and I can feel it. I am dreading every single bit of it and then it is followed by George's death date. It is only October and I am looking forward to February. Some part of me wishes I could just sleep through the next few months and forget the rest of the world. I don't want to celebrate any holiday and I am not looking forward to George's date of death. My kids are in love with the holidays and decorating but I now dread something that used to be my favorite thing to do. I don't think the holidays will ever be the same for me again and I am getting to the point I just hate them and want them to not exist at all. This is our second go round with them so I am hoping I can find some other ritual or something to do that makes it easier or helps me to not hate them completely.
For now, I will push through like I always do. It is not easy but I don't have any other choice but to keep it together for our family and try to make the best out of a bad situation. Please keep us in your prayers.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
In Loving Memory of my Nephew Gavin
Two years ago today, my sister had to say goodbye to her son Gavin at almost 12 weeks gestation. I will never forget the day I was blessed to lay eyes on that sweet little boy with his heart blinking on the screen. To this day I will never forget it and what my sister had to go through after finding out that he had a rare disorder, Pentology of Cantrel. My heart broke for her and her family the day we all found out the news.
I thank God for that little boy every single day, because I believe he was sent here to help us through George's death. He gave my whole family a brief taste of what was about to happen so that when George died I was not alone in my grief and it didn't hit as hard as it could have. Gavin gave my sister a deeper understanding of my loss than anyone else has. We have become very close through our losses. I know often times she feels as if her loss has no comparison to mine but I believe that it is just as bad and I feel that both of our boys lives were as important as the others. Gavin was my saving grace and I find some peace and solace knowing that George is not alone in heaven and gets to have a relationship like my sister and I both have.
I like to think that our boys are waiting for us to return to heaven...it will be so glorious!!! We have two little monkeys waiting for us and I am so glad they have one another while they wait. Please keep my sister and her family in your prayers today.
"Dearest Mommy..."
Dearest Mommy,
When you wonder the meaning of life and love
Know that I am with you.
Close your eyes and feel me kissing you
in the gentle breeze on your cheek.
When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again
Quiet your mind and hear me,
I am in the whisper of the heavens
Speaking of your love.
When you lose your identity,
When you question who you are and where you are going
Open your heart and see me.
I am the twinkle in the stars smiling down upon you
Lighting the path for your journey.
When you awaken each morming
Not remembering your dreams
But feeling content and serene
Know that I was with you-
Filling your nights with thoughts of me.
When you linger in the remnant pain,
Wholeness seeming unfamiliar,
Think of me and
Know that I am with you.
Touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend,
Easing the pain.
As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky
In the breathtaking glory, awaken your spirit.
Think of our time, all too brief, but ever brilliant,
When you were certain of us, together
When you were certain of your destiny.
Know that God created that moment in time,
Just for us
Dearest Mommy, I am with you always
I thank God for that little boy every single day, because I believe he was sent here to help us through George's death. He gave my whole family a brief taste of what was about to happen so that when George died I was not alone in my grief and it didn't hit as hard as it could have. Gavin gave my sister a deeper understanding of my loss than anyone else has. We have become very close through our losses. I know often times she feels as if her loss has no comparison to mine but I believe that it is just as bad and I feel that both of our boys lives were as important as the others. Gavin was my saving grace and I find some peace and solace knowing that George is not alone in heaven and gets to have a relationship like my sister and I both have.
I like to think that our boys are waiting for us to return to heaven...it will be so glorious!!! We have two little monkeys waiting for us and I am so glad they have one another while they wait. Please keep my sister and her family in your prayers today.
"Dearest Mommy..."
Dearest Mommy,
When you wonder the meaning of life and love
Know that I am with you.
Close your eyes and feel me kissing you
in the gentle breeze on your cheek.
When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again
Quiet your mind and hear me,
I am in the whisper of the heavens
Speaking of your love.
When you lose your identity,
When you question who you are and where you are going
Open your heart and see me.
I am the twinkle in the stars smiling down upon you
Lighting the path for your journey.
When you awaken each morming
Not remembering your dreams
But feeling content and serene
Know that I was with you-
Filling your nights with thoughts of me.
When you linger in the remnant pain,
Wholeness seeming unfamiliar,
Think of me and
Know that I am with you.
Touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend,
Easing the pain.
As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky
In the breathtaking glory, awaken your spirit.
Think of our time, all too brief, but ever brilliant,
When you were certain of us, together
When you were certain of your destiny.
Know that God created that moment in time,
Just for us
Dearest Mommy, I am with you always
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
We Are Back
We are finally back from Florida. It was a good trip with lots of new family made memories...things I cherish the most. For some reason this time around felt like we were all a little off. I don't know what it was but I know I was not the only one who felt that way either. All things considered the kids did really well. Joshua however was kind of an emotional mess the whole time. He saw a police car on the way in and it triggered his memories from the day that George died. All I can say is that I don't know what is more torturous, to live through that hell or to watch your living children having to relive that hell when they have no understanding of any of it. My heart never felt so heavy than the night we got there and I had to hold him and just watch him sob his little heart out, knowing that pain all to well but also knowing there was nothing I could do to make it better.
That incident kind of set the tone for the rest of the vacation without the intention of doing so. We all felt George's presence but it also made us miss him so much more. There was however a little light that shone through it all when one of the Disney employees listened to our stories and took it to heart. The man had walked over to talk to Gabby, she is such a beautiful little girl and a magnet for so many people, while we were waiting for the parade. It had poured and we all just stayed there and I have to say I actually danced in the rain with my own rainbow in my arms...some sort of irony in that. Anyway, he asked us if it was our first time and of course it got turned to our very first time with George and how this was Gabby's first time here and a way for us to share her brother with her. It took everything for him to not bust out in tears hearing our family story. With that he tells us he will be right back and goes off, to come back and tell us to wait for him after the parade. We do that and he takes us up to one of the stores on Main Street and we wait. He comes out with a voucher for a free Minnie Mouse for Gabby. He told us he wanted this to just as special and he wanted her to have a magical visit. Never was I ever so touched in my life. We went in the store and picked one out and took a picture with the gentleman. My heart was truly touched deep within the pain knowing how he went out of his way to try and make this special for our little girl who will never know her big brother.
Hugh and I both decided we were not taking our computers. We really wanted to focus on the kids and our family. It was probably the best thing we ever did. I played with the kids like I have not done since George died and in a way they got part of their mom back, even if it was for a short amount of time. I really tried my hardest to make it special for them all, knowing how hard this past year has been on all of us. We had wanted to take each boy out by themselves but we just didn't have the time or money to really do that. In the end we spent time swimming and playing ping pong which they had no problem with and they totally ate it up, every second of it. We only went to the parks twice since it was so hot and way to much on the boys, even those two days were hard. It is always so hard to walk that line of letting them be normal kids and then also knowing they aren't and do have to be careful. They didn't have a problem with that either, they love just spending time with all our family that goes and this year a friend of mine went with us too.
Not having my PC allowed me a lot of time to think and really soul search. As I stood there watching the rest of my family, I realized how selfish in some ways I have been. I know they hurt for my son too and even though they don't hurt like I do, I somehow just forgot that they were in pain too. They ache for not only him but also for me and our family who now has to live without him every day. I thought back to the days that my older sister was there for us and drove us to and from the funeral home and how she was the first one there after George was pronounced dead. She was so put together and strong, just the way I always saw her growing up...I forgot that there was a different side to her. On this trip I saw that part of her as she played with Gabrielle and held her and rocked her as she slept. This made me realize how she must hurt and I never took the time to even recognize that. My brother Anthony hurts every single day, he was there and witnessed me doing CPR and all the chaos of that morning. I know that day haunts him and has also changed him in a different way. Then there is my sister Tara, who understands me better than anyone else especially after her own loss. I know she cries every day for me and my son and family. She is more open about it all with me but also doesn't want to say or do something that will hurt me.
My parents are a whole other ball game. They have to now live with us and see first hand how hard it truly is for us to go through this. I have tried to kind of keep it to myself as much as possible but when you live with people it is hard to really do that on a consistent basis...especially when you are facing those big days like we just did with his birthday. This second year has just been so much harder than the first and I am thankful to know I am not alone in that thought, a lot of other parents have said the same thing. I've watched how us moving in here has really changed both of my parents in some way. My dad especially has really changed since George's death. He plays with the kids and takes time with them that he just didn't do with us growing up. He rocks Gabby to sleep and when no one is looking, so he thinks, he will get on the floor and play with her in ways I have never seen him before. I think back to the day Joshua just busted out in tears saying he missed George and my dad had to wipe tears from his own eyes as he watched Joshua fall to pieces. I know deep inside he hurts so bad and before all of this, I really couldn't look past my own pain and that of Hugh and the kids. In all of this I knew they hurt but didn't really know how much and I really feel bad about that even though I know they understand.
This road is not one anyone else in our family has ever really had to walk so it is all new to us all. You don't know what is right or wrong and you are basically walking it blind. There are times where you just can't think of anyone else because you can barely get through the day yourself, not to mention to be there for just the kids and your husband. Life as you knew it is gone and you are forced to figure it all out on your own and pray that people understand and have to give yourself slack for those who don't. It is so much easier to sit outside of the situation and say that someone should do something else or that they went about it all wrong but living it is a whole other ball game. I'm so thankful that my family does understand and is still there for me and my family even when we are not in the best of shape and even forget that they are there and have their own issues. Talking to other parents, I know this is actually the norm but so often they just loose their family and friends all together because of that and I just don't want that to be the case with us. I have already lost my son I don't want it to ever get to the point that I have no one. Being who I am, I also have to apologize in some capacity for the unintentional pain that I may have caused by not recognizing things beyond my own house.
All that said I thank God every day for my family and the many blessings he has given us. Even in my darkest hour, I have never forgotten that God is with me and that I am blessed. There are times of dispare that come in the waves of emotion that make it hard to recognize this but in my heart I know better. None of this is easy and there are going to be good days and bad and I am slowly learning to give myself slack and know it is ok to fall apart when I miss George and yet be happy without feeling guilty or that part of me is missing. There is such a fine line in all of this that words can't even begin to explain but I have to find solace in the fact that I have never intentionally hurt anyone and if people can't ever see that then there is nothing I can do and I don't have to answer to them some day, I have to answer to God and I know he knows my heart better than even I do. I pray as the next few weeks pass and we all get back into the swing of school and those mundane things life requires of us to do, that I keep growing through all of this and keep learning from all of this. In the end it is the only way I know to honor my son and his memory...I need to learn from it all and become a better person. When I get to heaven some day I want him to be able to stand there proudly and say "This is my mommy!"
That incident kind of set the tone for the rest of the vacation without the intention of doing so. We all felt George's presence but it also made us miss him so much more. There was however a little light that shone through it all when one of the Disney employees listened to our stories and took it to heart. The man had walked over to talk to Gabby, she is such a beautiful little girl and a magnet for so many people, while we were waiting for the parade. It had poured and we all just stayed there and I have to say I actually danced in the rain with my own rainbow in my arms...some sort of irony in that. Anyway, he asked us if it was our first time and of course it got turned to our very first time with George and how this was Gabby's first time here and a way for us to share her brother with her. It took everything for him to not bust out in tears hearing our family story. With that he tells us he will be right back and goes off, to come back and tell us to wait for him after the parade. We do that and he takes us up to one of the stores on Main Street and we wait. He comes out with a voucher for a free Minnie Mouse for Gabby. He told us he wanted this to just as special and he wanted her to have a magical visit. Never was I ever so touched in my life. We went in the store and picked one out and took a picture with the gentleman. My heart was truly touched deep within the pain knowing how he went out of his way to try and make this special for our little girl who will never know her big brother.
Hugh and I both decided we were not taking our computers. We really wanted to focus on the kids and our family. It was probably the best thing we ever did. I played with the kids like I have not done since George died and in a way they got part of their mom back, even if it was for a short amount of time. I really tried my hardest to make it special for them all, knowing how hard this past year has been on all of us. We had wanted to take each boy out by themselves but we just didn't have the time or money to really do that. In the end we spent time swimming and playing ping pong which they had no problem with and they totally ate it up, every second of it. We only went to the parks twice since it was so hot and way to much on the boys, even those two days were hard. It is always so hard to walk that line of letting them be normal kids and then also knowing they aren't and do have to be careful. They didn't have a problem with that either, they love just spending time with all our family that goes and this year a friend of mine went with us too.
Not having my PC allowed me a lot of time to think and really soul search. As I stood there watching the rest of my family, I realized how selfish in some ways I have been. I know they hurt for my son too and even though they don't hurt like I do, I somehow just forgot that they were in pain too. They ache for not only him but also for me and our family who now has to live without him every day. I thought back to the days that my older sister was there for us and drove us to and from the funeral home and how she was the first one there after George was pronounced dead. She was so put together and strong, just the way I always saw her growing up...I forgot that there was a different side to her. On this trip I saw that part of her as she played with Gabrielle and held her and rocked her as she slept. This made me realize how she must hurt and I never took the time to even recognize that. My brother Anthony hurts every single day, he was there and witnessed me doing CPR and all the chaos of that morning. I know that day haunts him and has also changed him in a different way. Then there is my sister Tara, who understands me better than anyone else especially after her own loss. I know she cries every day for me and my son and family. She is more open about it all with me but also doesn't want to say or do something that will hurt me.
My parents are a whole other ball game. They have to now live with us and see first hand how hard it truly is for us to go through this. I have tried to kind of keep it to myself as much as possible but when you live with people it is hard to really do that on a consistent basis...especially when you are facing those big days like we just did with his birthday. This second year has just been so much harder than the first and I am thankful to know I am not alone in that thought, a lot of other parents have said the same thing. I've watched how us moving in here has really changed both of my parents in some way. My dad especially has really changed since George's death. He plays with the kids and takes time with them that he just didn't do with us growing up. He rocks Gabby to sleep and when no one is looking, so he thinks, he will get on the floor and play with her in ways I have never seen him before. I think back to the day Joshua just busted out in tears saying he missed George and my dad had to wipe tears from his own eyes as he watched Joshua fall to pieces. I know deep inside he hurts so bad and before all of this, I really couldn't look past my own pain and that of Hugh and the kids. In all of this I knew they hurt but didn't really know how much and I really feel bad about that even though I know they understand.
This road is not one anyone else in our family has ever really had to walk so it is all new to us all. You don't know what is right or wrong and you are basically walking it blind. There are times where you just can't think of anyone else because you can barely get through the day yourself, not to mention to be there for just the kids and your husband. Life as you knew it is gone and you are forced to figure it all out on your own and pray that people understand and have to give yourself slack for those who don't. It is so much easier to sit outside of the situation and say that someone should do something else or that they went about it all wrong but living it is a whole other ball game. I'm so thankful that my family does understand and is still there for me and my family even when we are not in the best of shape and even forget that they are there and have their own issues. Talking to other parents, I know this is actually the norm but so often they just loose their family and friends all together because of that and I just don't want that to be the case with us. I have already lost my son I don't want it to ever get to the point that I have no one. Being who I am, I also have to apologize in some capacity for the unintentional pain that I may have caused by not recognizing things beyond my own house.
All that said I thank God every day for my family and the many blessings he has given us. Even in my darkest hour, I have never forgotten that God is with me and that I am blessed. There are times of dispare that come in the waves of emotion that make it hard to recognize this but in my heart I know better. None of this is easy and there are going to be good days and bad and I am slowly learning to give myself slack and know it is ok to fall apart when I miss George and yet be happy without feeling guilty or that part of me is missing. There is such a fine line in all of this that words can't even begin to explain but I have to find solace in the fact that I have never intentionally hurt anyone and if people can't ever see that then there is nothing I can do and I don't have to answer to them some day, I have to answer to God and I know he knows my heart better than even I do. I pray as the next few weeks pass and we all get back into the swing of school and those mundane things life requires of us to do, that I keep growing through all of this and keep learning from all of this. In the end it is the only way I know to honor my son and his memory...I need to learn from it all and become a better person. When I get to heaven some day I want him to be able to stand there proudly and say "This is my mommy!"
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
