Today was kind of a hard day. It started out fine but wound up going downhill real quick. The boys have been bugging to decorate for Halloween. To get them to stop we went over to our old house to grab the boxes that we had. I still have quite a bit to do over in the house to finally be out of there but there is a good chunk of it done already.
It is never easy to walk into the house knowing that it will soon no longer be ours. Knowing that it is the place we brought our children home to from the hospital and the place we stopped the day we got married, it is hard to just close the door and walk away. The horrible memories of George's death still linger there but the good memories are there too. It is just a very different feeling walking in there now rather then when we lived in it. Seeing it this way just brings tears to my eyes as I know another chapter in our lives will soon be closed.
While I was rummaging through the boxes, I came across George's book that had his weight/height/shot record in it. Suddenly, I was filled with this deep sadness as I looked at the very last entry dated 01/12/10. I remember that visit vividly and little did I know not much longer after he would be dead. It just ends there and seeing all the rest of the pages empty just hit me hard. I felt as if I had the wind knocked out of me and I just became so sad.
I can't believe it will be almost two years since he died! The very thought of that takes my breath away. Sometimes it feels as if he was never here and then there is this pain that reminds me he was. The memories of him just seem to fade a little more each day and it all starts to blend all together and I hate that. I want to remember every second of his life because it was so short but instead I loose more of him the more time passes and it makes me feel horrible.
We got our decorations and brought them back to my mom's house and the first place I started to decorate was George's mantle where his urn is. It saddens me to think that 1 in 4 people are decorating their child's grave rather then spending time with them. In some ways you try and keep things as "normal" as possible but then again there is nothing normal about any of it. I shouldn't be going on vacation and looking for something small to put on my baby's urn but I am. Every little monkey I see somewhere, I think of my little boy. I want him here yet know I cannot have that and it just hurts so bad.
Yesterday I spent the day with Michael. He had a follow me day at school so I got to do everything he does in the course of a school day. Michael was so excited to spend individual time with me since it is not often we get the chance to do this. He is such a wonderful little boy and I am so thankful for him. After school we had to go grab a few things from the grocery store. Outside on the sidewalk happened to be pumpkins for sale. Michael of course wanted to buy some so I let him pick some out for our family. We picked one out for everyone in the house and of course we had to get on for George. As we strolled the supermarket, Michael told me how he wanted to attach George's pumpkin to a balloon to send it to him in heaven. My heart just broke as I had to tell him we can't do that. God what I would give to be able to do that sort of thing.
I was talking to someone yesterday about being a parent who has lost a child and then to have other children to care for. This has got to be the hardest thing in the world to have to do. You feel this obligation to the remaining children to have it together and still do fun family things but your heart isn't 100% in it anymore. On the days you want to just stay in bed and grieve, you can't. If you cry, they start to cry too. The kids will say all sorts of things that will just break your heart and make you feel so bad even when you were doing well. Life is surely more complicated to loose a child and have others at home and this is often times where God's grace is such a gift because so often I have no idea what I am doing nor do I have the energy sometimes to make it through a situation or just the day.
The holiday season is slowly creeping in on me and I can feel it. I am dreading every single bit of it and then it is followed by George's death date. It is only October and I am looking forward to February. Some part of me wishes I could just sleep through the next few months and forget the rest of the world. I don't want to celebrate any holiday and I am not looking forward to George's date of death. My kids are in love with the holidays and decorating but I now dread something that used to be my favorite thing to do. I don't think the holidays will ever be the same for me again and I am getting to the point I just hate them and want them to not exist at all. This is our second go round with them so I am hoping I can find some other ritual or something to do that makes it easier or helps me to not hate them completely.
For now, I will push through like I always do. It is not easy but I don't have any other choice but to keep it together for our family and try to make the best out of a bad situation. Please keep us in your prayers.
George's Guardian's of Grace Projects
Stocking project is now in full force collecting donations. We have a list of the items we can use. You can also choose to sponsor a stocking in memory or honor of someone else. We will include a paragraph or two in the cards we place in the stockings to let the recipient know about the person that means so much to you. Our paypal account is posted on this page and ready to take donations. Email us for a list of items needed or with any questions or information you would like included on a sponsored stocking/donation.
Video Tributes/Celebration of Life Footage
Here is a link to a video tribute that was made by Richard's dad in memory of George. Get out your tissues!
We Finally have footage from the service up and running:
It is in 4 sections running about 17 mins each. If you were unable to attend, you can now see what you missed. We were so blessed to have everyone there with us in person and in spirit!