Bedtime

Yesterday was a rough day for me. It was one of those unplanned moments that took me by surprise. Things here have been kind of stressful lately with the odd hours Hugh has been working. The boys have also been kind of off since we got back. Michael has these random episodes where he spikes a fever. Gabrielle has been fussy, and will start to cry when I leave the room and now that she is crawling she is into everything but hates to be cooped up. I'm so thankful that my mom helps me out with these guys but even she was at her whits end the other day when it all seemed to hit at the same time and all the kids were crying at the same time. I've felt very overwhelmed at times but am still pushing through.

Yesterday was really tough for me. My mom had been reading on the internet that Gabby should be sleeping through the night. She brought this up to me and I have never thought about it at all since none of my kids have ever slept through the night due to their disease. We read that it was 4months and she is 10months later this week. With that we try to get things organized around here and make it easier for her to nap and sleep when and where she is suppose to. Usually one of us rocks her to sleep(I never did his with any of the boys but things surely changed after George died.) She would always wake up if we put her down so she would just nap wherever she fell asleep. At bedtime she was in a sleeper and not her crib. We decided we were going to try to transition her into her crib for naps and the pack n play for bedtime since her room is not on the same floor as ours and she still doesn't sleep through the night.

The crib was originally in our room but space wise it just was easier to swap it with the pac n play in her room. Gabrielle was not happy about this and it was really rough. She would just cry. My mom had her the first try. We decided to try again the next day and I went in to get her and try to calm her down after she cried a while. This weird combination of emotions just washed over me. It was the first time since George died that I actually put a baby to bed in their crib. The whole scenario just reminded me of the last time I put him to bed. He was fussy, probably due to the ear infection he had that we didn't know about, and after my shower, I walked into his room and rocked him a little and then brought him out to play. Her cry and rocking her in the rocking chair just brought me back to when he was alive and I felt like I hit a brick wall. While I had her I didn't cry but the minute I got her to sleep and placed her in that crib, I walked out of the room holding back the tears my heart was crying.

My mom looked at me and was talking to me. She asked me if it was hard for me and with that I just shook my head and could no longer hold back the tears. They ran down my cheeks as she praised me for doing it but I couldn't think about anything she was saying. In my head I just kept replaying that night I put him to bed for the very last time. I will never forget his little head popping up and looking up at me only to put a sour face on and cry. God my heart felt bad as I walked out of his room and once I walked to his crib and rocked him, he settled down and went to sleep. Every single part of me just kept reliving those moments over and over again as I tuned out what was going on in front of me. My mom told me how hard it was for her the day before and how she couldn't imagine how hard it had to be for me.

With that I took a shower where I just fell apart and cried. Hugh had not gone to work yet but I knew he was leaving soon. I went downstairs after my shower and just couldn't keep it in and cried saying to him "It just hurts so bad; I want him back." For me these are the moments that are the hardest. I want to just go to bed and forget the rest of the world for a while but I was not able to do that. Hugh had to head to work and I was left to deal with the kids and my broken heart on my own with my mom's help. We have since decided we are going to just take a break from this for now because I emotionally need the break and one day she will sleep in her own bed and won't be doing this forever so we will just deal with it until then.