I Miss

I miss your face.
I miss your smile.
I miss your laugh.
I miss the way you lit up when I walked in the room.
I miss seeing you in your "hopper!"
I miss holding you.
I miss rocking you.
I miss singing to you.
I miss watching you sleep.
I miss hearing your heart beat.
I miss being able to mother you.
I miss you with all my heart sweet little monkey!

Climbing out of my Hole of Despare

I know I posted last about being in a funk but I have to say it was more like a big black hole of despair. It is a very dark place that I have never visited in my entire life. Every fiber of my being just didn't even want to exist. The pain my heart felt consumed me down to the cells in my body. Never could I ever think that loosing a child would ever be this painful or that I could ever feel this way.

I could not wish this on my worst enemy but I do often times wish that others have a better understanding so they would understand when you can't get out of bed that it isn't that you don't want to it is just that you can't. You really do need these moments because if they came at you all at once you really would go crazy. During these time periods you do feel like you are loosing your mind and that just one more thing will send you off the deep end. You can't be anything to anyone and you have to just focus on yourself and the deep pain within your heart of you feel like you will explode.

Last night for the first time Hugh and I attended a compassionate friends meeting that another mom I met online goes to. They had a guest speaker and she was a grief counselor that specified in trauma and after talking to her, I finally realized I wasn't crazy, it was everyone else out there who just didn't understand. I told her how this second year seems so much worse than the first and she told me I was right and it is usually the second and third when you need people the most yet no one is there so you are fending for yourself in the dark woods. Shock has worn off and you are left with no support or very little and people who are just tired of hearing about what has now become your new normal.

I just felt so relieved that I was not crazy and this insane intense pain I feel is all "normal" The moments where all I can do is cry and my chest hurts so bad from the deep sobs that eventually lead to my sleep. The nights where I can't sleep no matter how hard I try and then being exhausted during the day. People thinking that you need to get off the medication cause it is making you worse and ironically they are the same one who wanted you on it to begin with! I've come to realize that medication is not as bad as they all say and is a tool to help you put things in perspective and still be able to function enough to be that mother, wife, friend, ect that you still need to be. It doesn't take the pain away but it makes it bearable but there are times it just doesn't do anything because that pain is so bad.

I have to cry I have to let it out in some capacity. My son is dead my baby is gone and it is now all to real and every time I look at his picture I now realize he wasn't a dream and I am living this hell and he is dead reduced to ashes in an urn on the mantle. What parent wants that? Think about how you would feel if it was you. It isn't for you but it has now become my reality and something I am learning to accept in small increments because it just isn't possible to do all at once. I really believe that God helps us by doing it a little at a time. Every time I am in one of these moments, no one else can help, and yet I hear God calling out to me and rubbing my head as I lay it in his lap and just sob my heart out over the death of my sweet baby boy. I really do feel he knows I need him because people on Earth don't know what to do or are just not comfortable doing so.

I need people to be here for me with out me having to ask because I am not the person to ask. Sometimes I don't even realize I am in need because I am so used to giving. When others are in despare I always make it part of who I am to try and reach out even if it is through a letter, meal, gift, or something else. The walk through this process has taught me that I am a minority and it does hurt to know that others don't do the same for me when I need it but I am learning that even when others fail me, God never does. I have to accept this more and more as time goes on and others are less affected by George's death but it is still as if it happened yesterday for me. These are overwhelming thoughts but I know that with God at my side and my faith in Jesus that I will weather any storm even if it is alone. I guess that is why I have always loved the poem Footprints in the Sand. Years ago as a kid I fell in love with it and never realized how much it would play a part in my life!

Been in a Funk

Well, George's birthday has come and gone and it did not go at all like I had hoped. I was hoping that people would help us to move some of his plants from his memorial garden but no one showed up. Hugh was not suppose to work but went in and was suppose to only be there until 9am but that didn't happen either. As the day went on I got more and more depressed as it seemed as if nothing was going the way I had hoped. I had a few people honor my wish to do something nice in his memory and a few did email me which at least made the stabbing heart pain less difficult to bear. I have a feeling as each year goes by less and less people will really care. Last year we had more support. This year Hugh and I went and got a massage at least and stopped on the way home to get a cake for him. By that point I was so dis pared it didn't mean as much as I had hoped it would.

The last few days have been spent on me trying to get myself out of this funk. I feel like I am digging myself out of this hole and someone is digging in and throwing the dirt in on my head and I can't keep up. I had hoped that at least a few of our family members would have come but it was just the kids, us, and my parents. It was so very hard for me. Saturday was my niece's birthday party and I made it through but left early because Joshua wanted to go home and it was very hot in her house. The emotions of the whole week were so overwhelming that I just cried the entire way home. The pain in my heart just finally gave into the wall that I was trying to keep up but I could no longer deal with it. No amount of medication or anything could fix that my son is dead. I want him back and I am just angry that this has to be my life. I'm not mad at anyone in particular but I am just mad at all i have had to go through.

There are people who like to try and tell me to think of it in a brighter situation but their children aren't dead and they have no real clue that there is no good side. So often I have to sit and listen to lectures from other who think they are helping and you know they mean well but it makes your dispair turn into annoyance and it makes you more upset. this whole thing is so emotionally draining and I have found myself in bed at 7pm and still needing to sleep during the day. I get short with people and I just don't have it in me to socialize because I am sick of the happy face having to be plastered on my face.

I have decided that I am going to attend a group tonight with another mom I have met for parents who have lost children. Right now I need to be surrounded by people who understand. People who get the fact that I barely have it in me to get up in the morning. They understand that you want to be in that deep dark hole with your child not here having to live this hell. yes you know you are blessed to have other children and you don't need to be reminded of it all the time because if anyone knows this it is me. It is hard for me right now to be a mother, wife, daughter, sister, and all the other stuff everyone has always expected of me. I try my hardest but inside know that I am struggling to hold it together. These are the moments I am crying out to Jesus to help me because I don't want to do this anymore, I want a break from the pain.

I am headed to Florida this coming week to Disney. I am really hoping that this helps. My aunt that "gets me" is down there. I yearn for one of her hugs and the general understanding that she has for the person I am. Never does she tell me to look at the bright side, she tells me to yell and scream and do whatever it is that I need to do and she listens rather than lectures and that is such an unbelievable gift. My life feels as if it is standing still some days while everyone else is living. I'm living in hell and they hare going about their lives blissfully unaware of the pain in my heart. Please pray for me as I pray for God's presence and help through this difficult time and try to lean on him rather than humans who ultimately let us down on many levels.