I know I posted last about being in a funk but I have to say it was more like a big black hole of despair. It is a very dark place that I have never visited in my entire life. Every fiber of my being just didn't even want to exist. The pain my heart felt consumed me down to the cells in my body. Never could I ever think that loosing a child would ever be this painful or that I could ever feel this way.
I could not wish this on my worst enemy but I do often times wish that others have a better understanding so they would understand when you can't get out of bed that it isn't that you don't want to it is just that you can't. You really do need these moments because if they came at you all at once you really would go crazy. During these time periods you do feel like you are loosing your mind and that just one more thing will send you off the deep end. You can't be anything to anyone and you have to just focus on yourself and the deep pain within your heart of you feel like you will explode.
Last night for the first time Hugh and I attended a compassionate friends meeting that another mom I met online goes to. They had a guest speaker and she was a grief counselor that specified in trauma and after talking to her, I finally realized I wasn't crazy, it was everyone else out there who just didn't understand. I told her how this second year seems so much worse than the first and she told me I was right and it is usually the second and third when you need people the most yet no one is there so you are fending for yourself in the dark woods. Shock has worn off and you are left with no support or very little and people who are just tired of hearing about what has now become your new normal.
I just felt so relieved that I was not crazy and this insane intense pain I feel is all "normal" The moments where all I can do is cry and my chest hurts so bad from the deep sobs that eventually lead to my sleep. The nights where I can't sleep no matter how hard I try and then being exhausted during the day. People thinking that you need to get off the medication cause it is making you worse and ironically they are the same one who wanted you on it to begin with! I've come to realize that medication is not as bad as they all say and is a tool to help you put things in perspective and still be able to function enough to be that mother, wife, friend, ect that you still need to be. It doesn't take the pain away but it makes it bearable but there are times it just doesn't do anything because that pain is so bad.
I have to cry I have to let it out in some capacity. My son is dead my baby is gone and it is now all to real and every time I look at his picture I now realize he wasn't a dream and I am living this hell and he is dead reduced to ashes in an urn on the mantle. What parent wants that? Think about how you would feel if it was you. It isn't for you but it has now become my reality and something I am learning to accept in small increments because it just isn't possible to do all at once. I really believe that God helps us by doing it a little at a time. Every time I am in one of these moments, no one else can help, and yet I hear God calling out to me and rubbing my head as I lay it in his lap and just sob my heart out over the death of my sweet baby boy. I really do feel he knows I need him because people on Earth don't know what to do or are just not comfortable doing so.
I need people to be here for me with out me having to ask because I am not the person to ask. Sometimes I don't even realize I am in need because I am so used to giving. When others are in despare I always make it part of who I am to try and reach out even if it is through a letter, meal, gift, or something else. The walk through this process has taught me that I am a minority and it does hurt to know that others don't do the same for me when I need it but I am learning that even when others fail me, God never does. I have to accept this more and more as time goes on and others are less affected by George's death but it is still as if it happened yesterday for me. These are overwhelming thoughts but I know that with God at my side and my faith in Jesus that I will weather any storm even if it is alone. I guess that is why I have always loved the poem Footprints in the Sand. Years ago as a kid I fell in love with it and never realized how much it would play a part in my life!
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