Been in a Funk

Well, George's birthday has come and gone and it did not go at all like I had hoped. I was hoping that people would help us to move some of his plants from his memorial garden but no one showed up. Hugh was not suppose to work but went in and was suppose to only be there until 9am but that didn't happen either. As the day went on I got more and more depressed as it seemed as if nothing was going the way I had hoped. I had a few people honor my wish to do something nice in his memory and a few did email me which at least made the stabbing heart pain less difficult to bear. I have a feeling as each year goes by less and less people will really care. Last year we had more support. This year Hugh and I went and got a massage at least and stopped on the way home to get a cake for him. By that point I was so dis pared it didn't mean as much as I had hoped it would.

The last few days have been spent on me trying to get myself out of this funk. I feel like I am digging myself out of this hole and someone is digging in and throwing the dirt in on my head and I can't keep up. I had hoped that at least a few of our family members would have come but it was just the kids, us, and my parents. It was so very hard for me. Saturday was my niece's birthday party and I made it through but left early because Joshua wanted to go home and it was very hot in her house. The emotions of the whole week were so overwhelming that I just cried the entire way home. The pain in my heart just finally gave into the wall that I was trying to keep up but I could no longer deal with it. No amount of medication or anything could fix that my son is dead. I want him back and I am just angry that this has to be my life. I'm not mad at anyone in particular but I am just mad at all i have had to go through.

There are people who like to try and tell me to think of it in a brighter situation but their children aren't dead and they have no real clue that there is no good side. So often I have to sit and listen to lectures from other who think they are helping and you know they mean well but it makes your dispair turn into annoyance and it makes you more upset. this whole thing is so emotionally draining and I have found myself in bed at 7pm and still needing to sleep during the day. I get short with people and I just don't have it in me to socialize because I am sick of the happy face having to be plastered on my face.

I have decided that I am going to attend a group tonight with another mom I have met for parents who have lost children. Right now I need to be surrounded by people who understand. People who get the fact that I barely have it in me to get up in the morning. They understand that you want to be in that deep dark hole with your child not here having to live this hell. yes you know you are blessed to have other children and you don't need to be reminded of it all the time because if anyone knows this it is me. It is hard for me right now to be a mother, wife, daughter, sister, and all the other stuff everyone has always expected of me. I try my hardest but inside know that I am struggling to hold it together. These are the moments I am crying out to Jesus to help me because I don't want to do this anymore, I want a break from the pain.

I am headed to Florida this coming week to Disney. I am really hoping that this helps. My aunt that "gets me" is down there. I yearn for one of her hugs and the general understanding that she has for the person I am. Never does she tell me to look at the bright side, she tells me to yell and scream and do whatever it is that I need to do and she listens rather than lectures and that is such an unbelievable gift. My life feels as if it is standing still some days while everyone else is living. I'm living in hell and they hare going about their lives blissfully unaware of the pain in my heart. Please pray for me as I pray for God's presence and help through this difficult time and try to lean on him rather than humans who ultimately let us down on many levels.