Saturday, August 20, 2011
A Long Time Coming
This morning for the first time in a very long time I was able to look at George's pictures without my heart filling with pain. I cannot tell you how long it has been that I have been able to do that. When I come to this page to update, I have the sound on mute and quickly hit the new post button. The sound of some of these songs would just break my heart and I couldn't listen to them not to mention look at the montage that plays at the top of this page. It has been such a long time since I have been able to feel something other than searing pain in my heart.
I awoke this morning and checked my email as usual. For some reason I went to a page that has sales on it for kids. Right there was a link to Curious George books and I had to click on them. Every part of me just wanted to buy every single book they were selling...good thing we don't have any money right now! I was compelled to share the link on Facebook with my friends on there and another mom said the minute she saw it(she gets the same email that I do since she loves the sight too) and thought about my little guy! With that I felt the need to actually come to this blog and turn the mute off and watch the photo montage. I was prepared for the tears to come flowing down my face but alas they didn't!
For me this is one huge step in the right direction. I know that it doesn't mean that tomorrow that I will not feel the way I did before but it was a challenge I have yet to overcome on this grief road. I am slowly learning how to live with him in heaven and us all here. He is such a beautiful little boy and I cannot wait to hold him again some day but until then I have to figure out how to live with him in my heart and not in my arms. It sounds so simple but it is the most complicated thing in the world to have to ever ask a parent to do.
My heart just filled with love for that little boy who I was blessed to carry for nine months and be a mommy to for 4 and a half here on Earth and will have an eternity to spend with in heaven some day. There were no thoughts of the morning we found him that crept into my mind as I watched the montage but rather recollection of those photos and how happy we all were with him in our lives. That in its own right is a huge blessing and I know it is God working on my heart and helping me through the pain of loosing our little monkey. As I sit here typing this tears well in my eyes at the thought of being able to accomplish this feat but not out of sadness, they are tears of sheer joy. I never thought there would come a day when I could remember him without pain and that is a gift that is not even measurable.
I think all of the things that have happened to us in the past few years had finally taken their toll on me. If I am honest, I was at such a low point these past few months. I was in a place of complete darkness and not able to see any light. Somehow I have slowly been walking and getting to a place where light shines through. There is still a lot of darkness but with each passing day the sun begins to shine through a little more. Ironically it is the small things that I appreciate that show me God's presence in my life and are teaching me how to love George from afar.
Gabrielle getting her tooth yesterday just really impacted me quite a bit. Somehow, through all that she is doing and accomplishing, I find these feelings of just being blessed. These blessings feel so much greater than they ever did before. Before all this I didn't take them for granted but I did not feel the joy and thankfulness that I do with each milestone she hits and every day that she is here. In a way I did not feel prepared for her but her presence from conception until now has helped me to move forward. I knew I wanted her but I was so afraid to have her and love her just to loose her like I did with George. Much of my pregnancy was full of so many mixed emotions but they forced me to face them all and for that I will be forever grateful.
This little girl has no idea what she brings to my life, even just her simple smiles. She has helped me to find a way out of this shadow of death. I know God sent her to give me a tangible love here on hearth to help me when I could not feel his love in my heart due to the immense pain that overwhelmed my heart. It is so hard to find love and joy in a heart full of pain. I cannot thank all of you who have followed our journey and continue to do so. I have a way to see how many hits we have had and where in the world it is all from and each day I am amazed to find we have hits from all over the world. The thought that people care enough and are praying for us everywhere is so overwhelming and those prayers are working so keep them coming. Each day one smile from my kids or prayer from a stranger will slowly take over the pain that resides in my heart and every day there is more light coming in hard at work. It isn't going to happen over night and I know there will still be bad days but I also know that this sort of peace has been a long time coming!
I awoke this morning and checked my email as usual. For some reason I went to a page that has sales on it for kids. Right there was a link to Curious George books and I had to click on them. Every part of me just wanted to buy every single book they were selling...good thing we don't have any money right now! I was compelled to share the link on Facebook with my friends on there and another mom said the minute she saw it(she gets the same email that I do since she loves the sight too) and thought about my little guy! With that I felt the need to actually come to this blog and turn the mute off and watch the photo montage. I was prepared for the tears to come flowing down my face but alas they didn't!
For me this is one huge step in the right direction. I know that it doesn't mean that tomorrow that I will not feel the way I did before but it was a challenge I have yet to overcome on this grief road. I am slowly learning how to live with him in heaven and us all here. He is such a beautiful little boy and I cannot wait to hold him again some day but until then I have to figure out how to live with him in my heart and not in my arms. It sounds so simple but it is the most complicated thing in the world to have to ever ask a parent to do.
My heart just filled with love for that little boy who I was blessed to carry for nine months and be a mommy to for 4 and a half here on Earth and will have an eternity to spend with in heaven some day. There were no thoughts of the morning we found him that crept into my mind as I watched the montage but rather recollection of those photos and how happy we all were with him in our lives. That in its own right is a huge blessing and I know it is God working on my heart and helping me through the pain of loosing our little monkey. As I sit here typing this tears well in my eyes at the thought of being able to accomplish this feat but not out of sadness, they are tears of sheer joy. I never thought there would come a day when I could remember him without pain and that is a gift that is not even measurable.
I think all of the things that have happened to us in the past few years had finally taken their toll on me. If I am honest, I was at such a low point these past few months. I was in a place of complete darkness and not able to see any light. Somehow I have slowly been walking and getting to a place where light shines through. There is still a lot of darkness but with each passing day the sun begins to shine through a little more. Ironically it is the small things that I appreciate that show me God's presence in my life and are teaching me how to love George from afar.
Gabrielle getting her tooth yesterday just really impacted me quite a bit. Somehow, through all that she is doing and accomplishing, I find these feelings of just being blessed. These blessings feel so much greater than they ever did before. Before all this I didn't take them for granted but I did not feel the joy and thankfulness that I do with each milestone she hits and every day that she is here. In a way I did not feel prepared for her but her presence from conception until now has helped me to move forward. I knew I wanted her but I was so afraid to have her and love her just to loose her like I did with George. Much of my pregnancy was full of so many mixed emotions but they forced me to face them all and for that I will be forever grateful.
This little girl has no idea what she brings to my life, even just her simple smiles. She has helped me to find a way out of this shadow of death. I know God sent her to give me a tangible love here on hearth to help me when I could not feel his love in my heart due to the immense pain that overwhelmed my heart. It is so hard to find love and joy in a heart full of pain. I cannot thank all of you who have followed our journey and continue to do so. I have a way to see how many hits we have had and where in the world it is all from and each day I am amazed to find we have hits from all over the world. The thought that people care enough and are praying for us everywhere is so overwhelming and those prayers are working so keep them coming. Each day one smile from my kids or prayer from a stranger will slowly take over the pain that resides in my heart and every day there is more light coming in hard at work. It isn't going to happen over night and I know there will still be bad days but I also know that this sort of peace has been a long time coming!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Hooray!!!
Gabrielle has her first tooth!!! It took her 5months to get one but we are so ecstatic. For many simple milestones mean nothing but for us it is like Christmas! You cherish the small things in life and our rainbow brings so much joy.
Touching Others
I woke up this morning to still hear the crickets chirping outside. So often once I am awake, I have a hard time going back to sleep since my mind will begin to race. Instead of laying in bed I opted to come and check email, facebook, and take a look at the stats here on George's page. Much to my surprise, I opened it to find that since I have started this page, we have had 17,000 hits! WOW is all I can really say about that. It was specifically that number and for some reason it just hit me how many lives that my son has touched and our experience has made a difference in some capacity even if it is to shed light on hard to express feelings.
The other day I had a bad day, and when I say bad, I mean bad! My heart was just so overwhelmed with pain and my head was taking off with the notion that I was a failure. Finally, it all came over me like a flood when my mom made a comment about something the kids were doing. She had no idea what had been going on in my head and I know she meant nothing by the comment but she truly got more than she bargained for as I sat there sobbing uncontrollably. So often as human beings we put expectations on ourselves and see our trials rather than our triumphs. I am guilty of this just as everyone else I know is.
This morning I sat there thinking about this and that is just what the evil things in this world want us to do. By allowing these tought to permiate our being, we are allowing evil things into our lives and letting them take over the good things. My son was not evil and yet I let the horrors of a few hours overcome the months of joy that I had with him. We are loosing our house and it is so depressing at times I allow it to make me feel like a failure without realizing the gift of time with our family/decreased stress I am giving to my husband or the wonderful bond my children have with my parents.
If I look at all my life trials, I have truly overcome them with dignity and poise making the best of every horrible situation. Yes, the first man I married went to prison and changed the course of my life but I would not have the inner strength I do today if it was not for that nor would I be here with my children and a man who loves me more than life itself. My children have a disease but without that I would not have the knowledge I do today nor would I have the appreciation for life and personal struggles like I do. I also have to say that it makes me realize how precious each life is no matter the state of their physical being because I would not trade any of my children for a "health/perfect" child.
Our family has struggled financially and others will look down upon us for having more children because we can't afford them however no one can afford another child and money does not make a good parent. It has also taught me to listen for the whisper of God's presence in my life rather then the loud clanging of others opinions. God will provide for us not those around us and no one has to help if they don't want to. I am sure the every single person in the bible that followed his word was refered to as a crazy person or failure by those around them who didn't recognize God's hand in it all. Somehow I have to work on not allowing the thoughts and opinions of others get to me and do what I know is right in my heart. If I really think about it I need to follow my heart and not my head and accept me for me and if others can't do that then they don't have to be in our lives as sad or hard as that may be.
I can imagine where the world would be today if Mary told God she was not up for what he had planned for her. There is no doubt in my mind that she was the talk of the town being a teenage unwed mother who claimed to be having God's child! If anyone said that now they would be locked in the loony bin and yet she stood there doing what she is called to do. I truly believe that God has called me to be a mom and wife at this point in my life. If I wanted to I could do a lot of things, I am a smart woman capable of doing anything I put my mind to and I know that. Deep in my heart though I know that I am suppose to be here doing exactly what I am doing not what others think I should be doing. There is no shame in not having a degree because there is nothing that can give you a degree in something like parenting and family life especially since it is something that is constantly changing and you can't put a price/limit on. I can only carry life for so long and they are only little for so long. There will be a place and time for all the other "stuff" to happen but for now I am sticking with what I am called to do. You can never put a price on what I am doing and the gift I am given every day in order to do my job as a mother. Family is priceless!
In this area, if I look at where we are then I have to say we are all winners and achievers. Hugh and I are still married and have been together for 8 years dispite what statistics say. I always joke with him that statistically we should have been divorced a million times by now! My children know right from wrong and I love them for who they each are, right down to their weaknesses. The relationship that I have with my parents is something that I thank God for every day because out of all my siblings, the one I carry is just different in a lot of ways and it is very strong. We all have our moments but we get through them and have become very close and that goes for my children too. They all have a special bond with my parents that only comes from all the time they spend with them and now that we are living here it is even greater.
I think in some regards, being just a mother and wife has just become not enough for society. There used to be a time, prior to the women's movement, where the family with the picket fence is what everyone wanted. Now a days, the picket fence is out the window and we all have to have these huge houses, expensive cars, and have a degree in something to prove our worth. Lately I have been caught up in all that especially with us loosing the house. Everyone will say to me well why don't you go back to school or get a job? Somehow I felt as if I was letting everyone down only to realize that I was not letting those down who really matter, my husband and children. I could do all of those things but my calling is just not there right now, it is here and especially since George died, I know I need to follow that feeling.
A long time ago, I picked up on those "gut instincts" that people talk about and realized they were God speaking to my heart. It was so hard and still is at times to follow that without being influenced by others around me. Hugh and I have both faced ridicule from those who just don't understand it. Other than Gabrielle, we were among the few people who were happy for us to be having a baby and we faced so many dirty looks and people talking behind our backs a million times over. George was no different and even now people will say stupid stuff like maybe he would have been really sick so his dying saved him from suffering. I really don't know about that but no matter his circumstances in life I would have cared for him unconditionally as long as his little heart was beating. Every part of me thanks God for that little boy even though others don't and that others somehow found some relief in the fact that he was gone.
Most important of all is that I have remained a giving person and do not blame God for the bad things in my life. The evils of this world can really get you down and take hold without you even realizing it and you are straying from your path before you even know it. Every single one of us is guilty of this. In the end I do know without having to think twice, that I am a good person and proud of who I am. Even in our hour of need we recognize others around us in need. Last night I realized that everyone is in need of something in life, even if it is just a hug or love from another person. A rich person can buy a lot of basic necessities or wants but they cannot by a relationship with someone or the love that comes with it. Every time something bad happens, I try to do something good. I believe that God places a specific yearning in my heart to follow that will allow his goodness to shine through all the bad. It is a blessing to be called to such tasks, not a burden.
If Richard would have been in front of me instead of me in front of my mother, I would have told him like I always do..."there is no such thing as failure, just learning that something doesn't work, and as long as you learn from mistakes then they are not mistakes they are life lessons." Sometimes I need to follow my own advice. I wish more people would take the time to accept one another for who they are, right down to their very worst. Loving a person for their flaws is the hardest thing to do so until we can do that, we cannot truly unconditionally love a person. Isn't that truly what God's love is all about?
The other day I had a bad day, and when I say bad, I mean bad! My heart was just so overwhelmed with pain and my head was taking off with the notion that I was a failure. Finally, it all came over me like a flood when my mom made a comment about something the kids were doing. She had no idea what had been going on in my head and I know she meant nothing by the comment but she truly got more than she bargained for as I sat there sobbing uncontrollably. So often as human beings we put expectations on ourselves and see our trials rather than our triumphs. I am guilty of this just as everyone else I know is.
This morning I sat there thinking about this and that is just what the evil things in this world want us to do. By allowing these tought to permiate our being, we are allowing evil things into our lives and letting them take over the good things. My son was not evil and yet I let the horrors of a few hours overcome the months of joy that I had with him. We are loosing our house and it is so depressing at times I allow it to make me feel like a failure without realizing the gift of time with our family/decreased stress I am giving to my husband or the wonderful bond my children have with my parents.
If I look at all my life trials, I have truly overcome them with dignity and poise making the best of every horrible situation. Yes, the first man I married went to prison and changed the course of my life but I would not have the inner strength I do today if it was not for that nor would I be here with my children and a man who loves me more than life itself. My children have a disease but without that I would not have the knowledge I do today nor would I have the appreciation for life and personal struggles like I do. I also have to say that it makes me realize how precious each life is no matter the state of their physical being because I would not trade any of my children for a "health/perfect" child.
Our family has struggled financially and others will look down upon us for having more children because we can't afford them however no one can afford another child and money does not make a good parent. It has also taught me to listen for the whisper of God's presence in my life rather then the loud clanging of others opinions. God will provide for us not those around us and no one has to help if they don't want to. I am sure the every single person in the bible that followed his word was refered to as a crazy person or failure by those around them who didn't recognize God's hand in it all. Somehow I have to work on not allowing the thoughts and opinions of others get to me and do what I know is right in my heart. If I really think about it I need to follow my heart and not my head and accept me for me and if others can't do that then they don't have to be in our lives as sad or hard as that may be.
I can imagine where the world would be today if Mary told God she was not up for what he had planned for her. There is no doubt in my mind that she was the talk of the town being a teenage unwed mother who claimed to be having God's child! If anyone said that now they would be locked in the loony bin and yet she stood there doing what she is called to do. I truly believe that God has called me to be a mom and wife at this point in my life. If I wanted to I could do a lot of things, I am a smart woman capable of doing anything I put my mind to and I know that. Deep in my heart though I know that I am suppose to be here doing exactly what I am doing not what others think I should be doing. There is no shame in not having a degree because there is nothing that can give you a degree in something like parenting and family life especially since it is something that is constantly changing and you can't put a price/limit on. I can only carry life for so long and they are only little for so long. There will be a place and time for all the other "stuff" to happen but for now I am sticking with what I am called to do. You can never put a price on what I am doing and the gift I am given every day in order to do my job as a mother. Family is priceless!
In this area, if I look at where we are then I have to say we are all winners and achievers. Hugh and I are still married and have been together for 8 years dispite what statistics say. I always joke with him that statistically we should have been divorced a million times by now! My children know right from wrong and I love them for who they each are, right down to their weaknesses. The relationship that I have with my parents is something that I thank God for every day because out of all my siblings, the one I carry is just different in a lot of ways and it is very strong. We all have our moments but we get through them and have become very close and that goes for my children too. They all have a special bond with my parents that only comes from all the time they spend with them and now that we are living here it is even greater.
I think in some regards, being just a mother and wife has just become not enough for society. There used to be a time, prior to the women's movement, where the family with the picket fence is what everyone wanted. Now a days, the picket fence is out the window and we all have to have these huge houses, expensive cars, and have a degree in something to prove our worth. Lately I have been caught up in all that especially with us loosing the house. Everyone will say to me well why don't you go back to school or get a job? Somehow I felt as if I was letting everyone down only to realize that I was not letting those down who really matter, my husband and children. I could do all of those things but my calling is just not there right now, it is here and especially since George died, I know I need to follow that feeling.
A long time ago, I picked up on those "gut instincts" that people talk about and realized they were God speaking to my heart. It was so hard and still is at times to follow that without being influenced by others around me. Hugh and I have both faced ridicule from those who just don't understand it. Other than Gabrielle, we were among the few people who were happy for us to be having a baby and we faced so many dirty looks and people talking behind our backs a million times over. George was no different and even now people will say stupid stuff like maybe he would have been really sick so his dying saved him from suffering. I really don't know about that but no matter his circumstances in life I would have cared for him unconditionally as long as his little heart was beating. Every part of me thanks God for that little boy even though others don't and that others somehow found some relief in the fact that he was gone.
Most important of all is that I have remained a giving person and do not blame God for the bad things in my life. The evils of this world can really get you down and take hold without you even realizing it and you are straying from your path before you even know it. Every single one of us is guilty of this. In the end I do know without having to think twice, that I am a good person and proud of who I am. Even in our hour of need we recognize others around us in need. Last night I realized that everyone is in need of something in life, even if it is just a hug or love from another person. A rich person can buy a lot of basic necessities or wants but they cannot by a relationship with someone or the love that comes with it. Every time something bad happens, I try to do something good. I believe that God places a specific yearning in my heart to follow that will allow his goodness to shine through all the bad. It is a blessing to be called to such tasks, not a burden.
If Richard would have been in front of me instead of me in front of my mother, I would have told him like I always do..."there is no such thing as failure, just learning that something doesn't work, and as long as you learn from mistakes then they are not mistakes they are life lessons." Sometimes I need to follow my own advice. I wish more people would take the time to accept one another for who they are, right down to their very worst. Loving a person for their flaws is the hardest thing to do so until we can do that, we cannot truly unconditionally love a person. Isn't that truly what God's love is all about?
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Tips for Friends/Family of Someone Who Lost a Child
This was posted on a page for Grieving Mothers and I felt compelled to share it since so many have often said they want to help but don't ever know what to do or say to us or anyone else who has lost someone.
• Visits over a longer period of time are more important than many visits during the first week, when other friends and relatives are still available. With the departure of these people, the bereaved may feel isolated. Now is the time for you to start your visits. You don’t have to say anything. Make a pot of coffee or a cup of tea and just be there. If you can’t visit, call. Phone calls are important. You may not know what to say but again, you don’t have to say anything. Let your friend talk, or cry. Just knowing you care is enough. It truly is. So be there.
• Be a good listener. Listening is the most important gift you can offer a grieving person. Every time your bereaved friend tells his or her story, the reality of what has happened will sink in. The loss must become real in order for your friend to move through the process of grief. Just listen.
Avoid Saying:
• “I know how you feel because _______.” One can never know how another may feel. Even if you suffered a similar loss, you would have had your own unique way of dealing with the pain.
Never compare your friend’s loss to the loss of your pet or your job. Although it’s extremely painful to lose your pet, it’s not the same as losing your child or your spouse.
• “It is part of God's plan.” “It was God’s Will.” “God needed another Angel.” "God so loved your ____ that he has taken her to live with him." These phrases can make people angry and they often respond with, “What plan? Nobody told me about any plan. I don’t care about His will. God has enough angels. He didn’t need to take mine. And does He love me less because He took ____ and not me?”
Instead, reassure your friend that it’s okay to be angry. Encourage your friend to let those feelings out. If your friend is angry at God, remind your friend to express that anger. God can take it. Encourage your friend to go for a drive and just scream at the top of his lungs.
• “Look at what you have to be thankful for.” “You’re young. You can get married again.” “You can still have another child” (another child or spouse can’t replace the one they lost), “You still have Johnny and Sally” (Johnny and Sally can’t fill the void left by their deceased sibling).
• “Call if you need anything.” They aren’t going to call. It is much better to offer something concrete, such as: “I have two free hours and I want to come over and vacuum your house or work on your lawn.”
• “He’s in a better place now.” The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
• “This is behind you now; it’s time to get on with your life.” Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means “forgetting” their loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
• Avoid statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” Instead you could begin your comments with: “Have you thought about”.
• Avoid making decisions for your friend. You can help your friend make decisions by exploring the pros and cons of what or what not to do. Write the pros and cons on paper and always remind your friend to take time before making any important decision. If you make a decision for your friend and it ends up being a bad one, your friend may be very angry with you down the road.
• Avoid discouraging expressions of grief. It is best to “encourage” your friend to express grief. If your friend begins to cry, don’t change the subject. Give a hug, make a pot of coffee or find the tissues.
God's Grace
So often I feel lost and miss my little boy. Nothing could have ever prepared me for his loss and anything I imagined was nothing close. These past few weeks have just been so bad for me. I think his birthday coming and leaving the house have just really taken their toll on me. Every part of me felt as if I was just loosing it. The smile has been plastered on my face and it takes all I have to just get up and function. Going back into our house and seeing it empty just leaves me with an even greater feeling and emotions come rushing over me as I try to wrap my head around the whirlwind our lives have been the past few years.
No matter how much we have been through, I have always felt God's presence and his grace is what gets me through every day of my life. I look in Gabrielle's eyes and see that grace right before me and I know her middle name was perfect for her. Having a rainbow baby, is nothing that I can even begin to explain to you. They can never replace the child you lost but the joy they bring is just as unique to them as they are an individual. There is just something so special about these children and they don't even know it.
I know many mom's who have rainbow babies and looking at them you know there is something special about them. The picture of a mom who has been blessed with these wonderful gifts carries a smile full of pain for the child they lost but also genuine gratefulness and unexplainable love for the precious gift God gave them in their own personal rainbow. These little people change lives and they don't even know it or how much their very presence helps a restless heart find peace even if it is only for a brief moment. All children are a gift from God but these children are God's promise to their family that he has not forgotten you and that he is walking with you the whole way. Every smile that Gabrielle blesses us with just reminds me of God's love for me and reminds me that I am never really alone no matter how alone I feel.
I posted a picture on here that I took and edited along with adding a quote. For some reason to me Gabrielle's innocent soul is just shown through this picture and in her eyes I see God's hands cradling my heart. The quote I felt was extremely fitting and spoke to my heart so I just had to add it to the picture and share this with all who read our page.
Even in the trials of life there is still something good. So often we all get wrapped up in the bad and the pain that come with these that we miss seeing the good. It is so hard sometimes to remember these things and look at them as the blessing they truly are. Yes we are loosing our house but we are all together and it gives Hugh the opportunity to not have to worry about providing and working himself to death. He worked so hard and at one point was working two full time jobs to just barely hang on and he lost a lot of time with the kids. I thank God every day Hugh was laid off for the time he was because that time he got to spend with George was priceless!!! He never would have taken that time off and would have had hardly any time with George before he died but instead got to spend every day with him.
The other day I sat here thinking about what it would be that I would be willing to give up for a day with George. I know I would give anything for that. In a way it was as if we are giving up our home for those days that Hugh got to have with him. If I think of it that way than I don't feel bad about it at all. Hugh's lay off is really what started us down this road but I was never upset about it for some reason, even before George died. I had this odd peace about it all from the beginning, something that is not common for me. Hugh was there for the whole pregnancy and those wonderful months we had with George. We can't have the time with him after he was gone so in a way God gave us that time before since he knew we would be saying good bye much sooner than we had anticipated. I would give my life for my son so saying goodbye to my house just to have been given that time as a family is not far fetched, I would do it all over again.
We still have a lot to do between our house and my parents, it just is going to take some time to do. I have cleared out a lot of the rooms but there is the storage stuff we have to do still and all the yard things. Some of the plants we are going to transplant from George's garden and the yard. We have to figure a way to get Joshua's Make a Wish house moved. It has been suggested we just sell it but I cannot do that, I feel like we are giving up so much and that is so special and has so much meaning, I feel a need to make the move happen. Hugh and my dad have to build a shed here at my mom's house which is coming in this weekend so we can work on moving the things that we need to store and hopefully be able to clear the house out. We have to finish cleaning out the other part of the basement and making a toy room/laundry room. It sounds so simple but it really isn't.
I am so thankful that Hugh and my dad are hard workers because the two of them have been busting their butts making this happen. For me, I will randomly go to the house when I can and rummage through the things to try and figure out what we need and what we can get rid of or just don't have room for. Our township has bulk pick up only once a month so the week before is busy with us trying to purge both houses of the things we cannot use or don't need anymore. Unfortunately, our road is not on a major road and we don't really have time to do a yard sale because a lot of what we have is in good shape but we have to downsize two homes.
I personally just don't have it in me to put something together in order to do a sale physically or emotionally. If I were to do a yard sale, I would probably be in tears as our things walked out the door just because I know the circumstances making us have to say goodbye to it all. It may sound stupid but this is just a very emotional thing and it was hard enough to go through the stuff and I am just so drained after dealing with the kids and all the other stuff, I just don't have it in me to do any more even if we could really use the money. I do try and make sure that things go to a good cause and often times we just call the Vietnam Vets to come pick up clothing and things. We try to find others who can use the big things but there is just so much to do and go through. You never realize how much you accumulate over time or how truly hard it is to merge two homes.
Some people have asked how they can help out. Often times I don't know what to say or if they are just saying it to be nice or some odd obligation/feeling to say something. I feel awkward asking people for help and don't even know who to go to or even what it is we really need. With school around the corner, the kids are in need of back to school items. I have created a wish list on Walmart's web page for anyone who may want to help and doesn't know what to do. By purchasing an item on there, you are helping us financially(everything we have is now going into getting the house ready for us to live there) and also by saving me time shopping(items can be mailed directly to my mom's house) so I can just focus on the stuff here that need to be done. This would be a huge help on all fronts but please feel no obligation at all, I just often times don't know what to say but also understand the want to help but not know what to do or how to go about it.
Among all of this though, I am constantly reminded of God's grace and love for me and my family. Whenever things seem as if they are falling apart he is there picking up the pieces and putting us back together again. Sometimes I think we have it bad and I am yet again reminded that there is always someone worse off and it makes me feel the need to do something for someone else in worse shape than we are. We have often times faced ridicule for giving when we are in need ourselves but I can't imagine doing anything else. Everyone is capable of giving no matter their life circumstances. I always think of the bible story where Jesus praises the woman who gives two pennies as her offering when there are others with greater donations but he recognizes that they were all she had and she was willing to give. Every day I try to be that selfless and try to help in any capacity that I can.
Being this way, I cannot think of a better way to celebrate George's life and the gift that God gave us the day he was born, by doing kind things for others and asking those who loved him or were touched by him to participate. I want others to know God's grace that we are blessed with every day of our lives. If others can see God's love through me than I know I am doing something right and all that I have gone through has purpose and proves that we can all make a difference, George did and still does. God amazes me how he will use such a horrible thing to change lives for the better. If a 4 month old little boy can touch hearts and change the world we all can make a difference still being here. In a way by doing things for others, we are able to create rainbows through God's works in our lives. Every day here on Earth it is raining and by allowing God to work through us we are the lights that create the rainbow and allow others to see God's promise. Are you allowing God's grace to shine through all that you do?
No matter how much we have been through, I have always felt God's presence and his grace is what gets me through every day of my life. I look in Gabrielle's eyes and see that grace right before me and I know her middle name was perfect for her. Having a rainbow baby, is nothing that I can even begin to explain to you. They can never replace the child you lost but the joy they bring is just as unique to them as they are an individual. There is just something so special about these children and they don't even know it.
I know many mom's who have rainbow babies and looking at them you know there is something special about them. The picture of a mom who has been blessed with these wonderful gifts carries a smile full of pain for the child they lost but also genuine gratefulness and unexplainable love for the precious gift God gave them in their own personal rainbow. These little people change lives and they don't even know it or how much their very presence helps a restless heart find peace even if it is only for a brief moment. All children are a gift from God but these children are God's promise to their family that he has not forgotten you and that he is walking with you the whole way. Every smile that Gabrielle blesses us with just reminds me of God's love for me and reminds me that I am never really alone no matter how alone I feel.
I posted a picture on here that I took and edited along with adding a quote. For some reason to me Gabrielle's innocent soul is just shown through this picture and in her eyes I see God's hands cradling my heart. The quote I felt was extremely fitting and spoke to my heart so I just had to add it to the picture and share this with all who read our page.
Even in the trials of life there is still something good. So often we all get wrapped up in the bad and the pain that come with these that we miss seeing the good. It is so hard sometimes to remember these things and look at them as the blessing they truly are. Yes we are loosing our house but we are all together and it gives Hugh the opportunity to not have to worry about providing and working himself to death. He worked so hard and at one point was working two full time jobs to just barely hang on and he lost a lot of time with the kids. I thank God every day Hugh was laid off for the time he was because that time he got to spend with George was priceless!!! He never would have taken that time off and would have had hardly any time with George before he died but instead got to spend every day with him.
The other day I sat here thinking about what it would be that I would be willing to give up for a day with George. I know I would give anything for that. In a way it was as if we are giving up our home for those days that Hugh got to have with him. If I think of it that way than I don't feel bad about it at all. Hugh's lay off is really what started us down this road but I was never upset about it for some reason, even before George died. I had this odd peace about it all from the beginning, something that is not common for me. Hugh was there for the whole pregnancy and those wonderful months we had with George. We can't have the time with him after he was gone so in a way God gave us that time before since he knew we would be saying good bye much sooner than we had anticipated. I would give my life for my son so saying goodbye to my house just to have been given that time as a family is not far fetched, I would do it all over again.
We still have a lot to do between our house and my parents, it just is going to take some time to do. I have cleared out a lot of the rooms but there is the storage stuff we have to do still and all the yard things. Some of the plants we are going to transplant from George's garden and the yard. We have to figure a way to get Joshua's Make a Wish house moved. It has been suggested we just sell it but I cannot do that, I feel like we are giving up so much and that is so special and has so much meaning, I feel a need to make the move happen. Hugh and my dad have to build a shed here at my mom's house which is coming in this weekend so we can work on moving the things that we need to store and hopefully be able to clear the house out. We have to finish cleaning out the other part of the basement and making a toy room/laundry room. It sounds so simple but it really isn't.
I am so thankful that Hugh and my dad are hard workers because the two of them have been busting their butts making this happen. For me, I will randomly go to the house when I can and rummage through the things to try and figure out what we need and what we can get rid of or just don't have room for. Our township has bulk pick up only once a month so the week before is busy with us trying to purge both houses of the things we cannot use or don't need anymore. Unfortunately, our road is not on a major road and we don't really have time to do a yard sale because a lot of what we have is in good shape but we have to downsize two homes.
I personally just don't have it in me to put something together in order to do a sale physically or emotionally. If I were to do a yard sale, I would probably be in tears as our things walked out the door just because I know the circumstances making us have to say goodbye to it all. It may sound stupid but this is just a very emotional thing and it was hard enough to go through the stuff and I am just so drained after dealing with the kids and all the other stuff, I just don't have it in me to do any more even if we could really use the money. I do try and make sure that things go to a good cause and often times we just call the Vietnam Vets to come pick up clothing and things. We try to find others who can use the big things but there is just so much to do and go through. You never realize how much you accumulate over time or how truly hard it is to merge two homes.
Some people have asked how they can help out. Often times I don't know what to say or if they are just saying it to be nice or some odd obligation/feeling to say something. I feel awkward asking people for help and don't even know who to go to or even what it is we really need. With school around the corner, the kids are in need of back to school items. I have created a wish list on Walmart's web page for anyone who may want to help and doesn't know what to do. By purchasing an item on there, you are helping us financially(everything we have is now going into getting the house ready for us to live there) and also by saving me time shopping(items can be mailed directly to my mom's house) so I can just focus on the stuff here that need to be done. This would be a huge help on all fronts but please feel no obligation at all, I just often times don't know what to say but also understand the want to help but not know what to do or how to go about it.
Among all of this though, I am constantly reminded of God's grace and love for me and my family. Whenever things seem as if they are falling apart he is there picking up the pieces and putting us back together again. Sometimes I think we have it bad and I am yet again reminded that there is always someone worse off and it makes me feel the need to do something for someone else in worse shape than we are. We have often times faced ridicule for giving when we are in need ourselves but I can't imagine doing anything else. Everyone is capable of giving no matter their life circumstances. I always think of the bible story where Jesus praises the woman who gives two pennies as her offering when there are others with greater donations but he recognizes that they were all she had and she was willing to give. Every day I try to be that selfless and try to help in any capacity that I can.
Being this way, I cannot think of a better way to celebrate George's life and the gift that God gave us the day he was born, by doing kind things for others and asking those who loved him or were touched by him to participate. I want others to know God's grace that we are blessed with every day of our lives. If others can see God's love through me than I know I am doing something right and all that I have gone through has purpose and proves that we can all make a difference, George did and still does. God amazes me how he will use such a horrible thing to change lives for the better. If a 4 month old little boy can touch hearts and change the world we all can make a difference still being here. In a way by doing things for others, we are able to create rainbows through God's works in our lives. Every day here on Earth it is raining and by allowing God to work through us we are the lights that create the rainbow and allow others to see God's promise. Are you allowing God's grace to shine through all that you do?
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Wish The Pain Would Go Away
Little boy, I love you so much. It is so hard to live a life full of this pain that is in my heart. I wish that this pain would go away but I know it won't for as long as I live. You were so very special to me and we had such a connection that I cannot explain to anyone else. I know that you knew it because I felt it whenever I was around you. In my mind I see you jumping in your jumper with that huge smile you had for me and can feel you cuddled under my chin where you LOVED to rest.
There is nothing in this world I would not give to have you back! It is not fair that anyone should have to feel this hurt or be haunted by those horrible memories. I hate that for the rest of my life that I will never be able to think of you without the bad stuff. Just thinking of your smile makes me see your lifeless body. No parent should ever have to endure a life like this and have a love so deep that your heart is torn to shreds and forever remains that way.
Now when I think of your birth, I think of your death. I try to remember your first cry, laugh, and all the little sounds you made and yet am haunted by the silence I awoke to with daddy screaming as he found you. Never will I forget the first time I held you and never will I forget the very last. I think about filling out the papers for your birth certificate and then signing the papers to have you cremated...something no parent should ever have to do. I remember finding out I was pregnant with you and how happy I was and then feeling helpless as they asked me at the hospital who I wanted them to call when you died.
How is it that every joy now is followed with sorrow? God help me through every day because I cannot do it on my own! I wish that this pain would go away but I know the only time that will ever happen is the day that return to heaven myself. If there was only a way to remember just the good things, I could even live with that but I will instead be tortured and haunted by that horrible day, every day for the rest of my life. I want to remember you without feeling pain and anxiety.
There is nothing in this world I would not give to have you back! It is not fair that anyone should have to feel this hurt or be haunted by those horrible memories. I hate that for the rest of my life that I will never be able to think of you without the bad stuff. Just thinking of your smile makes me see your lifeless body. No parent should ever have to endure a life like this and have a love so deep that your heart is torn to shreds and forever remains that way.
Now when I think of your birth, I think of your death. I try to remember your first cry, laugh, and all the little sounds you made and yet am haunted by the silence I awoke to with daddy screaming as he found you. Never will I forget the first time I held you and never will I forget the very last. I think about filling out the papers for your birth certificate and then signing the papers to have you cremated...something no parent should ever have to do. I remember finding out I was pregnant with you and how happy I was and then feeling helpless as they asked me at the hospital who I wanted them to call when you died.
How is it that every joy now is followed with sorrow? God help me through every day because I cannot do it on my own! I wish that this pain would go away but I know the only time that will ever happen is the day that return to heaven myself. If there was only a way to remember just the good things, I could even live with that but I will instead be tortured and haunted by that horrible day, every day for the rest of my life. I want to remember you without feeling pain and anxiety.
Odd Remembrance
Today I had to run to my mother in laws house to help her with an ant problem she had and for the first time we talked about George for the first time since he died. I've mentioned his name but she has always been pretty uncomfortable talking about him and usually cries so we usually don't really talk about him with her. You could see the pain in her eyes as she talked about how beautiful of a child he was and how he touched her. It was a blessing to sit with her and talk about him. This weekend Hugh and I visited his sister and we also talked about him. He was and has been on my mind so much lately.
After going to visit with my mother in law I had to run to Sears to get Hugh some clothes for his new uniform that he needs. He has been promoted to a manager but it is in a different department and they have to have black shirts and pants, not the blue and khaki ones that he had for sales. It still isn't anywhere close to what he made a while back but it will at least give him some management experience and is 40hrs not these random things he has been having to do. I'm so very proud of him and it is going to see his name listed on the wall in the management spot!!! On the way there, I had to stop at Wendy's. The entire time I was pregnant with George, I had to always have a baked potato and bacon burger. Today I felt this need to just stop and get the same thing I had with him. The very first bite just reminded me of when he was safe and alive in my belly rolling around...God what I would give to have him back and be doing that. I sat there in the parking lot at Sears with tears running down my face with every bite thinking what an odd way to remember my son.
Moving into my parents house has really made me feel even further from my son than ever before. I don't get those random moments where I would smell the scent that used to permeate his bedroom. The smell left when the boys moved in the room but I would randomly smell it near his picture and where his mantle was with his things left on them. When I would smell it, I would revel in it and would stop dead in my tracks and stay there until it went away. I felt his presence in those moments and have not had any of those here and it is very heart breaking to me. In so many ways I feel as if I have lost him all over again. The one thing I do love is that when I go in my room here, I feel as close to him as I can be here since his pictures and things decorate the walls and my bed. God what I would give to have him back and hold him in my arms again.
Gabrielle has had a pretty nasty ear infection these past two weeks. It has really been hard for me emotionally. I know that thinking of an ear infection is an odd thing to make me think of George but he died with one I did not know he had. The night before he died I knew there was something wrong and I came to find out from his autopsy that he had a horrible ear infection. I had tried to not be an over protective mom with him since I had taken him a million times to the doctors since he was born(he was my sickest little guy with tummy troubles) so I kind of pushed it off since we had just been there a few days before. Now with Gabby I have been to the doc a ton of times thinking she might have had one only to find that she did not have one, that was until this past time. Knowing she had one, really sent me on a panic attack and the very thought brings me back to the night before when I played with George for the very last time. The very thought of an ear infection is such an odd way to remember him but I can't get past it. I always will wonder if I had taken him to the docs if he would still be alive.
Yesterday I spoke to the kids pediatrician about it all. She was kind enough to take time and talk with me about it all. It was nice to know she didn't think I was crazy and told me to bring Gabby in as many times as I need to in order to feel ok. Something made me take Gabby back a week after being on meds and I was right. Her ear is not any better and she needs to be on a stronger antibiotic. We started that yesterday so please keep her in your prayers for healing especially since it gives her tummy troubles and me for my sanity. I'm trying to not have so much anxiety about it all but I do and I keep reliving the day we found him every single morning that I wake up and remember how I played with him and know how I felt that night and how he died the next morning. It all just breaks my heart. Thankfully the pediatrician understood and you could see her compassion through her eyes.
I also am so thankful for my sister Tara. Today after my running around and I came home to find she was visiting with my niece. The two of us were eventually alone with our two little girls. I told her of my trip to Wendy's and tears just filled her eyes as she knew my pain. With that she turned to me and asked me how I was doing. The tears just flowed as I told her about my anxiety that I have been having such a hard time lately. She understood and it was nice that she actually asked me and I know I can be honest with her and cry without feeling odd. I thank God for her every single day and I thank God for my nephew in heaven because he was the very reason she has the compassion she does for me. I also thank God for Gavin because I find some comfort knowing that George is not alone and is with him. It sounds odd, I am sure, but I think of that blinking little heart on that screen that I was blessed to see before he was taken to heaven and how I had a connection with the little boy I never got to meet in person that took a special place in my heart the moment I found I was going to be an aunt again. Gavin always has a special place in my heart just as I know he does in his mommy's heart and he gave us both a special gift even though we never got to hold him in our arms. I know we will always hold him in our hearts.
All of these things I find odd but know I am not alone. There are so many people in our shoes and my heart breaks for them too. Right now watching the famine in Somolia, my heart is breaking for those mom's who have to leave their dead children behind, knowing that they were trying to do the best to get them the care they need. One woman lost two of her children on a 40mile voyage looking for food for her family. I could not imagine being in her shoes and I thank God for the blessings even involved in my own son's death. As bad as it was, I know it could be worse but no matter the circumstances your lives are altered forever and you cannot ever prepare yourself for this type of loss and you are never ready for any of the things that come, especially the odd remembrances you have. Please pray for all of us who have had to say goodbye to our children.
After going to visit with my mother in law I had to run to Sears to get Hugh some clothes for his new uniform that he needs. He has been promoted to a manager but it is in a different department and they have to have black shirts and pants, not the blue and khaki ones that he had for sales. It still isn't anywhere close to what he made a while back but it will at least give him some management experience and is 40hrs not these random things he has been having to do. I'm so very proud of him and it is going to see his name listed on the wall in the management spot!!! On the way there, I had to stop at Wendy's. The entire time I was pregnant with George, I had to always have a baked potato and bacon burger. Today I felt this need to just stop and get the same thing I had with him. The very first bite just reminded me of when he was safe and alive in my belly rolling around...God what I would give to have him back and be doing that. I sat there in the parking lot at Sears with tears running down my face with every bite thinking what an odd way to remember my son.
Moving into my parents house has really made me feel even further from my son than ever before. I don't get those random moments where I would smell the scent that used to permeate his bedroom. The smell left when the boys moved in the room but I would randomly smell it near his picture and where his mantle was with his things left on them. When I would smell it, I would revel in it and would stop dead in my tracks and stay there until it went away. I felt his presence in those moments and have not had any of those here and it is very heart breaking to me. In so many ways I feel as if I have lost him all over again. The one thing I do love is that when I go in my room here, I feel as close to him as I can be here since his pictures and things decorate the walls and my bed. God what I would give to have him back and hold him in my arms again.
Gabrielle has had a pretty nasty ear infection these past two weeks. It has really been hard for me emotionally. I know that thinking of an ear infection is an odd thing to make me think of George but he died with one I did not know he had. The night before he died I knew there was something wrong and I came to find out from his autopsy that he had a horrible ear infection. I had tried to not be an over protective mom with him since I had taken him a million times to the doctors since he was born(he was my sickest little guy with tummy troubles) so I kind of pushed it off since we had just been there a few days before. Now with Gabby I have been to the doc a ton of times thinking she might have had one only to find that she did not have one, that was until this past time. Knowing she had one, really sent me on a panic attack and the very thought brings me back to the night before when I played with George for the very last time. The very thought of an ear infection is such an odd way to remember him but I can't get past it. I always will wonder if I had taken him to the docs if he would still be alive.
Yesterday I spoke to the kids pediatrician about it all. She was kind enough to take time and talk with me about it all. It was nice to know she didn't think I was crazy and told me to bring Gabby in as many times as I need to in order to feel ok. Something made me take Gabby back a week after being on meds and I was right. Her ear is not any better and she needs to be on a stronger antibiotic. We started that yesterday so please keep her in your prayers for healing especially since it gives her tummy troubles and me for my sanity. I'm trying to not have so much anxiety about it all but I do and I keep reliving the day we found him every single morning that I wake up and remember how I played with him and know how I felt that night and how he died the next morning. It all just breaks my heart. Thankfully the pediatrician understood and you could see her compassion through her eyes.
I also am so thankful for my sister Tara. Today after my running around and I came home to find she was visiting with my niece. The two of us were eventually alone with our two little girls. I told her of my trip to Wendy's and tears just filled her eyes as she knew my pain. With that she turned to me and asked me how I was doing. The tears just flowed as I told her about my anxiety that I have been having such a hard time lately. She understood and it was nice that she actually asked me and I know I can be honest with her and cry without feeling odd. I thank God for her every single day and I thank God for my nephew in heaven because he was the very reason she has the compassion she does for me. I also thank God for Gavin because I find some comfort knowing that George is not alone and is with him. It sounds odd, I am sure, but I think of that blinking little heart on that screen that I was blessed to see before he was taken to heaven and how I had a connection with the little boy I never got to meet in person that took a special place in my heart the moment I found I was going to be an aunt again. Gavin always has a special place in my heart just as I know he does in his mommy's heart and he gave us both a special gift even though we never got to hold him in our arms. I know we will always hold him in our hearts.
All of these things I find odd but know I am not alone. There are so many people in our shoes and my heart breaks for them too. Right now watching the famine in Somolia, my heart is breaking for those mom's who have to leave their dead children behind, knowing that they were trying to do the best to get them the care they need. One woman lost two of her children on a 40mile voyage looking for food for her family. I could not imagine being in her shoes and I thank God for the blessings even involved in my own son's death. As bad as it was, I know it could be worse but no matter the circumstances your lives are altered forever and you cannot ever prepare yourself for this type of loss and you are never ready for any of the things that come, especially the odd remembrances you have. Please pray for all of us who have had to say goodbye to our children.
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
