Odd Remembrance

Today I had to run to my mother in laws house to help her with an ant problem she had and for the first time we talked about George for the first time since he died. I've mentioned his name but she has always been pretty uncomfortable talking about him and usually cries so we usually don't really talk about him with her. You could see the pain in her eyes as she talked about how beautiful of a child he was and how he touched her. It was a blessing to sit with her and talk about him. This weekend Hugh and I visited his sister and we also talked about him. He was and has been on my mind so much lately.

After going to visit with my mother in law I had to run to Sears to get Hugh some clothes for his new uniform that he needs. He has been promoted to a manager but it is in a different department and they have to have black shirts and pants, not the blue and khaki ones that he had for sales. It still isn't anywhere close to what he made a while back but it will at least give him some management experience and is 40hrs not these random things he has been having to do. I'm so very proud of him and it is going to see his name listed on the wall in the management spot!!! On the way there, I had to stop at Wendy's. The entire time I was pregnant with George, I had to always have a baked potato and bacon burger. Today I felt this need to just stop and get the same thing I had with him. The very first bite just reminded me of when he was safe and alive in my belly rolling around...God what I would give to have him back and be doing that. I sat there in the parking lot at Sears with tears running down my face with every bite thinking what an odd way to remember my son.

Moving into my parents house has really made me feel even further from my son than ever before. I don't get those random moments where I would smell the scent that used to permeate his bedroom. The smell left when the boys moved in the room but I would randomly smell it near his picture and where his mantle was with his things left on them. When I would smell it, I would revel in it and would stop dead in my tracks and stay there until it went away. I felt his presence in those moments and have not had any of those here and it is very heart breaking to me. In so many ways I feel as if I have lost him all over again. The one thing I do love is that when I go in my room here, I feel as close to him as I can be here since his pictures and things decorate the walls and my bed. God what I would give to have him back and hold him in my arms again.

Gabrielle has had a pretty nasty ear infection these past two weeks. It has really been hard for me emotionally. I know that thinking of an ear infection is an odd thing to make me think of George but he died with one I did not know he had. The night before he died I knew there was something wrong and I came to find out from his autopsy that he had a horrible ear infection. I had tried to not be an over protective mom with him since I had taken him a million times to the doctors since he was born(he was my sickest little guy with tummy troubles) so I kind of pushed it off since we had just been there a few days before. Now with Gabby I have been to the doc a ton of times thinking she might have had one only to find that she did not have one, that was until this past time. Knowing she had one, really sent me on a panic attack and the very thought brings me back to the night before when I played with George for the very last time. The very thought of an ear infection is such an odd way to remember him but I can't get past it. I always will wonder if I had taken him to the docs if he would still be alive.

Yesterday I spoke to the kids pediatrician about it all. She was kind enough to take time and talk with me about it all. It was nice to know she didn't think I was crazy and told me to bring Gabby in as many times as I need to in order to feel ok. Something made me take Gabby back a week after being on meds and I was right. Her ear is not any better and she needs to be on a stronger antibiotic. We started that yesterday so please keep her in your prayers for healing especially since it gives her tummy troubles and me for my sanity. I'm trying to not have so much anxiety about it all but I do and I keep reliving the day we found him every single morning that I wake up and remember how I played with him and know how I felt that night and how he died the next morning. It all just breaks my heart. Thankfully the pediatrician understood and you could see her compassion through her eyes.

I also am so thankful for my sister Tara. Today after my running around and I came home to find she was visiting with my niece. The two of us were eventually alone with our two little girls. I told her of my trip to Wendy's and tears just filled her eyes as she knew my pain. With that she turned to me and asked me how I was doing. The tears just flowed as I told her about my anxiety that I have been having such a hard time lately. She understood and it was nice that she actually asked me and I know I can be honest with her and cry without feeling odd. I thank God for her every single day and I thank God for my nephew in heaven because he was the very reason she has the compassion she does for me. I also thank God for Gavin because I find some comfort knowing that George is not alone and is with him. It sounds odd, I am sure, but I think of that blinking little heart on that screen that I was blessed to see before he was taken to heaven and how I had a connection with the little boy I never got to meet in person that took a special place in my heart the moment I found I was going to be an aunt again. Gavin always has a special place in my heart just as I know he does in his mommy's heart and he gave us both a special gift even though we never got to hold him in our arms. I know we will always hold him in our hearts.

All of these things I find odd but know I am not alone. There are so many people in our shoes and my heart breaks for them too. Right now watching the famine in Somolia, my heart is breaking for those mom's who have to leave their dead children behind, knowing that they were trying to do the best to get them the care they need. One woman lost two of her children on a 40mile voyage looking for food for her family. I could not imagine being in her shoes and I thank God for the blessings even involved in my own son's death. As bad as it was, I know it could be worse but no matter the circumstances your lives are altered forever and you cannot ever prepare yourself for this type of loss and you are never ready for any of the things that come, especially the odd remembrances you have. Please pray for all of us who have had to say goodbye to our children.