A Long Time Coming

This morning for the first time in a very long time I was able to look at George's pictures without my heart filling with pain. I cannot tell you how long it has been that I have been able to do that. When I come to this page to update, I have the sound on mute and quickly hit the new post button. The sound of some of these songs would just break my heart and I couldn't listen to them not to mention look at the montage that plays at the top of this page. It has been such a long time since I have been able to feel something other than searing pain in my heart.

I awoke this morning and checked my email as usual. For some reason I went to a page that has sales on it for kids. Right there was a link to Curious George books and I had to click on them. Every part of me just wanted to buy every single book they were selling...good thing we don't have any money right now! I was compelled to share the link on Facebook with my friends on there and another mom said the minute she saw it(she gets the same email that I do since she loves the sight too) and thought about my little guy! With that I felt the need to actually come to this blog and turn the mute off and watch the photo montage. I was prepared for the tears to come flowing down my face but alas they didn't!

For me this is one huge step in the right direction. I know that it doesn't mean that tomorrow that I will not feel the way I did before but it was a challenge I have yet to overcome on this grief road. I am slowly learning how to live with him in heaven and us all here. He is such a beautiful little boy and I cannot wait to hold him again some day but until then I have to figure out how to live with him in my heart and not in my arms. It sounds so simple but it is the most complicated thing in the world to have to ever ask a parent to do.

My heart just filled with love for that little boy who I was blessed to carry for nine months and be a mommy to for 4 and a half here on Earth and will have an eternity to spend with in heaven some day. There were no thoughts of the morning we found him that crept into my mind as I watched the montage but rather recollection of those photos and how happy we all were with him in our lives. That in its own right is a huge blessing and I know it is God working on my heart and helping me through the pain of loosing our little monkey. As I sit here typing this tears well in my eyes at the thought of being able to accomplish this feat but not out of sadness, they are tears of sheer joy. I never thought there would come a day when I could remember him without pain and that is a gift that is not even measurable.

I think all of the things that have happened to us in the past few years had finally taken their toll on me. If I am honest, I was at such a low point these past few months. I was in a place of complete darkness and not able to see any light. Somehow I have slowly been walking and getting to a place where light shines through. There is still a lot of darkness but with each passing day the sun begins to shine through a little more. Ironically it is the small things that I appreciate that show me God's presence in my life and are teaching me how to love George from afar.

Gabrielle getting her tooth yesterday just really impacted me quite a bit. Somehow, through all that she is doing and accomplishing, I find these feelings of just being blessed. These blessings feel so much greater than they ever did before. Before all this I didn't take them for granted but I did not feel the joy and thankfulness that I do with each milestone she hits and every day that she is here. In a way I did not feel prepared for her but her presence from conception until now has helped me to move forward. I knew I wanted her but I was so afraid to have her and love her just to loose her like I did with George. Much of my pregnancy was full of so many mixed emotions but they forced me to face them all and for that I will be forever grateful.

This little girl has no idea what she brings to my life, even just her simple smiles. She has helped me to find a way out of this shadow of death. I know God sent her to give me a tangible love here on hearth to help me when I could not feel his love in my heart due to the immense pain that overwhelmed my heart. It is so hard to find love and joy in a heart full of pain. I cannot thank all of you who have followed our journey and continue to do so. I have a way to see how many hits we have had and where in the world it is all from and each day I am amazed to find we have hits from all over the world. The thought that people care enough and are praying for us everywhere is so overwhelming and those prayers are working so keep them coming. Each day one smile from my kids or prayer from a stranger will slowly take over the pain that resides in my heart and every day there is more light coming in hard at work. It isn't going to happen over night and I know there will still be bad days but I also know that this sort of peace has been a long time coming!