God's Grace

So often I feel lost and miss my little boy. Nothing could have ever prepared me for his loss and anything I imagined was nothing close. These past few weeks have just been so bad for me. I think his birthday coming and leaving the house have just really taken their toll on me. Every part of me felt as if I was just loosing it. The smile has been plastered on my face and it takes all I have to just get up and function. Going back into our house and seeing it empty just leaves me with an even greater feeling and emotions come rushing over me as I try to wrap my head around the whirlwind our lives have been the past few years.

No matter how much we have been through, I have always felt God's presence and his grace is what gets me through every day of my life. I look in Gabrielle's eyes and see that grace right before me and I know her middle name was perfect for her. Having a rainbow baby, is nothing that I can even begin to explain to you. They can never replace the child you lost but the joy they bring is just as unique to them as they are an individual. There is just something so special about these children and they don't even know it.

I know many mom's who have rainbow babies and looking at them you know there is something special about them. The picture of a mom who has been blessed with these wonderful gifts carries a smile full of pain for the child they lost but also genuine gratefulness and unexplainable love for the precious gift God gave them in their own personal rainbow. These little people change lives and they don't even know it or how much their very presence helps a restless heart find peace even if it is only for a brief moment. All children are a gift from God but these children are God's promise to their family that he has not forgotten you and that he is walking with you the whole way. Every smile that Gabrielle blesses us with just reminds me of God's love for me and reminds me that I am never really alone no matter how alone I feel.

I posted a picture on here that I took and edited along with adding a quote. For some reason to me Gabrielle's innocent soul is just shown through this picture and in her eyes I see God's hands cradling my heart. The quote I felt was extremely fitting and spoke to my heart so I just had to add it to the picture and share this with all who read our page.

Even in the trials of life there is still something good. So often we all get wrapped up in the bad and the pain that come with these that we miss seeing the good. It is so hard sometimes to remember these things and look at them as the blessing they truly are. Yes we are loosing our house but we are all together and it gives Hugh the opportunity to not have to worry about providing and working himself to death. He worked so hard and at one point was working two full time jobs to just barely hang on and he lost a lot of time with the kids. I thank God every day Hugh was laid off for the time he was because that time he got to spend with George was priceless!!! He never would have taken that time off and would have had hardly any time with George before he died but instead got to spend every day with him.

The other day I sat here thinking about what it would be that I would be willing to give up for a day with George. I know I would give anything for that. In a way it was as if we are giving up our home for those days that Hugh got to have with him. If I think of it that way than I don't feel bad about it at all. Hugh's lay off is really what started us down this road but I was never upset about it for some reason, even before George died. I had this odd peace about it all from the beginning, something that is not common for me. Hugh was there for the whole pregnancy and those wonderful months we had with George. We can't have the time with him after he was gone so in a way God gave us that time before since he knew we would be saying good bye much sooner than we had anticipated. I would give my life for my son so saying goodbye to my house just to have been given that time as a family is not far fetched, I would do it all over again.

We still have a lot to do between our house and my parents, it just is going to take some time to do. I have cleared out a lot of the rooms but there is the storage stuff we have to do still and all the yard things. Some of the plants we are going to transplant from George's garden and the yard. We have to figure a way to get Joshua's Make a Wish house moved. It has been suggested we just sell it but I cannot do that, I feel like we are giving up so much and that is so special and has so much meaning, I feel a need to make the move happen. Hugh and my dad have to build a shed here at my mom's house which is coming in this weekend so we can work on moving the things that we need to store and hopefully be able to clear the house out. We have to finish cleaning out the other part of the basement and making a toy room/laundry room. It sounds so simple but it really isn't.

I am so thankful that Hugh and my dad are hard workers because the two of them have been busting their butts making this happen. For me, I will randomly go to the house when I can and rummage through the things to try and figure out what we need and what we can get rid of or just don't have room for. Our township has bulk pick up only once a month so the week before is busy with us trying to purge both houses of the things we cannot use or don't need anymore. Unfortunately, our road is not on a major road and we don't really have time to do a yard sale because a lot of what we have is in good shape but we have to downsize two homes.

I personally just don't have it in me to put something together in order to do a sale physically or emotionally. If I were to do a yard sale, I would probably be in tears as our things walked out the door just because I know the circumstances making us have to say goodbye to it all. It may sound stupid but this is just a very emotional thing and it was hard enough to go through the stuff and I am just so drained after dealing with the kids and all the other stuff, I just don't have it in me to do any more even if we could really use the money. I do try and make sure that things go to a good cause and often times we just call the Vietnam Vets to come pick up clothing and things. We try to find others who can use the big things but there is just so much to do and go through. You never realize how much you accumulate over time or how truly hard it is to merge two homes.

Some people have asked how they can help out. Often times I don't know what to say or if they are just saying it to be nice or some odd obligation/feeling to say something. I feel awkward asking people for help and don't even know who to go to or even what it is we really need. With school around the corner, the kids are in need of back to school items. I have created a wish list on Walmart's web page for anyone who may want to help and doesn't know what to do. By purchasing an item on there, you are helping us financially(everything we have is now going into getting the house ready for us to live there) and also by saving me time shopping(items can be mailed directly to my mom's house) so I can just focus on the stuff here that need to be done. This would be a huge help on all fronts but please feel no obligation at all, I just often times don't know what to say but also understand the want to help but not know what to do or how to go about it.

Among all of this though, I am constantly reminded of God's grace and love for me and my family. Whenever things seem as if they are falling apart he is there picking up the pieces and putting us back together again. Sometimes I think we have it bad and I am yet again reminded that there is always someone worse off and it makes me feel the need to do something for someone else in worse shape than we are. We have often times faced ridicule for giving when we are in need ourselves but I can't imagine doing anything else. Everyone is capable of giving no matter their life circumstances. I always think of the bible story where Jesus praises the woman who gives two pennies as her offering when there are others with greater donations but he recognizes that they were all she had and she was willing to give. Every day I try to be that selfless and try to help in any capacity that I can.

Being this way, I cannot think of a better way to celebrate George's life and the gift that God gave us the day he was born, by doing kind things for others and asking those who loved him or were touched by him to participate. I want others to know God's grace that we are blessed with every day of our lives. If others can see God's love through me than I know I am doing something right and all that I have gone through has purpose and proves that we can all make a difference, George did and still does. God amazes me how he will use such a horrible thing to change lives for the better. If a 4 month old little boy can touch hearts and change the world we all can make a difference still being here. In a way by doing things for others, we are able to create rainbows through God's works in our lives. Every day here on Earth it is raining and by allowing God to work through us we are the lights that create the rainbow and allow others to see God's promise. Are you allowing God's grace to shine through all that you do?