Love Goes On

Every day we miss our little boy more and more. I seriously thought that it was suppose to get easier when in fact that is definitely not the case. For us these past few weeks and weeks ahead are going to be very hard on so many levels. George's first birthday will be on the 9th of Sept and we just have so many emotions running high and we are sure it is only going to get harder as the day gets closer.

We have been working with the kids on the fundraiser for the 11th, that following Saturday. It has been a struggle to get support for it since so many people are wrapped up in their own lives and the fact that the economy is in the toilet. With this being Richard's and the little boys idea, I really want it to be special for them. They want to honor their little brother's memory this way and I will do whatever it is to make that happen. I even told Richard that even if we are the only people there that we are making a difference, even one penny can make a difference. As of right now we have two weeks left and although we have a petting zoo together and some other kid activities, we have not sold a ticket yet. I know the norm is that people wait but it is definitely unnerving when these are your children with this desire, especially such young children with huge hearts, it is a very scary thing! I just pray that they are not disappointed.

I have written letters to the newspaper and the local news programs but have not heard back from any of them. This of course does not surprise me since I am the one writing the letters and they are not coming from a 3rd party...that is usually how it works. I've gotten a hold of them all several times now but to follow up with all that we have going on here is just so hard for me to do. I'm organizing all the "stuff" needed to pull it off along with keeping on top of the kids needs, the issues with my unemployment, and tons of other things...not to mention our own emotions. I keep telling myself it is in God's plans and at this point in his hands because I just don't have more in me to give...I feel so very tired and tapped out with no rest from the chaos of life in years(that is no exaggeration)!

Today Hugh and I were watching a movie called The Last Song. It is a tear jerker and had I known the plot I wouldn't have watched it but was glad in a way that I did watch it. So many of the moments in the movie just hit home for Hugh and I both. The one boy in the movie lost his brother a year before and it showed his family and how they reacted. The girl found out later that her dad was dying from cancer they didn't know about(surely hit home for Hugh) and he passes away in the end. Ultimately, the girl learns how fragile life is and the very miracles that are happening every day. There are these sea turtle eggs(if you know anything about see turtles you will know why that is so moving) that they care for and watch hatch and go to the ocean...so moving and so much meaning behind it.

Of course to add to that, we found a friend of ours posted a video on Facebook of her son using George's jumper. It was his favorite toy and we had actually just put it together Christmas day for him. He loved it. When he died we knew we wanted his things to be used. Nothing would come of them sitting in a room or in a basement. Seeing this baby use this was just enough to make Hugh and I break down into tears crying for the loss of our son but also the joy he is still bringing to this world through simple gifts like this.

For the longest time I had no idea what to do with his baby book. Just the other day I knew what to do with it. No, it will not fulfill its initial purpose to record his life milestones. Now it will be filled with memories from the lives he has touched even after his death. I asked the mom to send me a picture of her son using his jumper. I have asked the deacon at our church to take a picture of those who will be taking his clothes to Ecuador for the Chilean refugees. If somehow he has touched your life in someway and we are not aware of it, I ask that you send us a picture or write a note/letter saying what it was that he did for you. We are going to take pictures at the fundraiser to add. I want this book for our family to see in the future years, that even in tragedy, there can be good.

Hugh and I have been talking about what we want to do on George's actual birthday, September 9. Yes the boys will be in school but we are contemplating keeping them home and doing something special as a family. We have tossed around the idea of a trip to the beach, zoo, or Franklin Institute with them. We will have to see what the weather brings and what our finances look like. Whatever it is, we want it to be special and don't want to sit home crying, that won't bring him back. We both know if we don't do something, we will do just that. We have a Curious George stuffed monkey that I plan to take with us to special things and photograph so I have a visual representation of his spirit still living on with us. I will also add these to his book.

Please keep us in your prayers as we need every single one of them right now. The days and nights are long and full of very difficult moments/memories. We are trying to keep our heads up and live life to the best of our abilities but we are only human and cannot have it together all of the time. Thank you all who read this!

A Mother's Prayer - Rachel Aldous / baby lullaby, dedication song

Meant to Be - Steven Curtis Chapman

Tears

Tears have just rolled down my cheeks all day long today. There is no huge significance other than the fact I miss my little boy so bad. My heart breaks for him and although I am logical, there is no logic when dealing with the death of your child. I don't know if it is the hormones from being pregnant or what it really is but there were very few moments in the day that I was not crying or didn't want to cry.

I went to church bible study although I had every intention of not going for fear of loosing it. I made it through but on numerous occasions I had to seriously keep it together, especially while reading. I did however find a need for his clothes. As hard as it is to get rid of them I hate that they are not being used. I didn't just want to sell them or any of that. They had a grater purpose. At the end of September our church has a few people going to Equador to help out down there. As soon as I heard that I knew that was where they were going. They will be used by children in need and I cannot think of a greater purpose to them. I will have to go through them and take out the things that are not clothing but at least the now have a purpose other than sitting in my mother's basement.

I miss George so much and words cannot express the heaviness my heart feels. The very thought of life being this way forever is so very overwhelming. I am so grateful for some new friends I have found in a few mothers who are walking this path too. We know one another's pain and hurt like no one else does. Together we hold one another up through these moments. So many of us have been having a rough time lately, even though who have been without their children for years. I don't know what it is but I am so glad to know I am not alone and can find comfort in others walking this road and also lending that comfort to these wonderful women too. The tears will continue to roll forever down my cheeks because the love I felt for my little monkey just runs so deep and always will. If I didn't cry I would think there is something wrong.

Perceptions Changing

Tonight Hugh and I sat here talking about how George's death has really put in perspective our lives and those who we can count on and those we can't. It was just amazing how things and the way we perceive them have changed. In some ways it is very hard because the realizations causes a deep pain from sheer disappointment and realization of the way we thought things were vs the way they really are. I think in some ways it has lent itself to our anti social ways that have come about since his death. We have come to know those who are completely uncomfortable, those just doing things out of obligation, and then the very few who do understand and truly make an effort to take time out of their lives to try and help us through our difficult situation by a simple gesture or a listening ear.

For so many, after his funeral, it was over for them. Many didn't know him but were rather saddened that he was such a young beautiful little boy and the tragic events that transpired. Several of our "close" family members never even met him in person. After the funeral was over their worlds went back to norm and ours just stood still and still does to this day. There have been people who have used our son's death as an excuse to benefit them in some manner and never has there been anything more hurtful than to find out accidentally that this little boy , our beautiful son, was someone else's scape goat way out of a situation.

I sat here thinking about his service and the faces that stared back at me as I said his eulogy. Thinking back I can tell who was there because they truly cared vs some sort of obligation because of family or old friendship. Sadly Hugh and I realized that the number is very few. It isn't that they were not sad or touched by his passing but we both realized that not everyone is like we are. At least a quarter of the people there were co-workers of my sisters. Hugh and I have always been the ones in our lives that didn't exactly fit in but had a heart of gold and would do anything to gain acceptance and love. Not everyone will drop things in their lives for others the way we do or would do and that is very hard emotionally to handle in a situation like this.

A lot of this has come about because we have been talking about God parents for Gabrielle. We have truly been racking our brains for people that we trust with our child's faith because we take it so seriously and personally. We always wanted them all to have different God parents and not ones from a couple. Religious denomination has no bearing but rather a strong faith of some sort that our child can go to when they question faith or have questions/need guidance. After much thought, we are seriously considering forgoing the thing all together and just having her baptized without God parents. I hate to have superficial people who will not be part of their lives as God parents, it is to important of a roll, it is our child's basis for eternal life. We know we can give them the foundation but should anything ever happen to us we really want people in their lives who will guide them in their faith.

I always find it interesting how when tragedy strikes you learn these life lessons sometimes the hard way. That isn't to say that there are not people who do step up. We both have had at least one person in our lives that has truly made some effort to find a way to be there and help us in some way even after the funeral. We are fording new relationships with these people but it is hard to let go of the old relationships that we thought we had. I keep telling myself that it is only when we have expectations in a relationship does that relationship fail. Sometimes people are just not capable of what we thought or even what we need so we must seek it out elsewhere. No one really understands how hard that truly is to do because that itself is another sort of loss and grief piled on top of the heartache and grief over the loss of our son.

Somehow our society has made hard subjects the job of a therapist rather than family and friends. In many ways I think that is why so many are not equip to handle these situations when they do happen and why those who it happens to feel so very alone/judged. Churches are now taking a back seat to therapy/counsel and don't really have the same sort of minister relationships like they used to. I am so glad that Hugh and I have one another and our faith and that we are the understanding people that we are. We try not to let it change us but there is no way we cannot let that happen.

In some ways it is sad that we have decided to no longer make the efforts in relationships that we used to but we just no longer have the energy to do what we used to do. Those relationships that survive are the true ones and all the others were just not meant to be and had their purpose in our lives but no longer do. I think we have learned what is important and that is our family, Hugh and I and the boys. We used to take time from that and drop things at a moments notice for others who we have come to find out wouldn't do the same for us. There is nothing wrong with that but we just have learned to refocus our efforts and energy.

The loss of a child is very unique in so many ways. Parents who have lost a child all say that they feel more support and comfort from other parents who have lost children. I have found that to be true but also to not necessarily be true since my personal experience was not a positive one with the parents I know who have lost children. I've had a mixed batch but have found that even if they are not sportive, they do know your pain and have had the same feelings. Somehow it is like you got cooties, everyone thinks you are contagious, and you have to go to the doctor in order to get it fixed but in fact there is truly no cure! We have become the kids in the school yard!