Our Angel's Service

Today was a long day from start to finish. Hugh and I were able to sit on the beddie with the little boys for a while before we had to begin our long and crazy emotional day. We dropped the boys off at my mom's for them to get ready over there and eat breakfast. I had to drop Hugh off at the church so he could let people in and get things set up. That left me some time here at home by myself.

I came in and turned on some of my music an sat in the babies room for a while. My heart aches so much and I miss him terribly. His room is loosing his smell and that saddens me. Soon enough the little things I cherish and miss the most will not exist and I will just be left with memories and pictures. I knew time was passing and I needed to get ready so I gathered myself and my thoughts and finished getting myself together. I also took 3 of the babies monkies from his room and put tee shirts on them with George's picture on them to give to the boys at the service.

I got to the church and met up with everyone who was coming in. Hugh and I both were greeted by many friends and family that we have not sceen in years. It was such a blessing to know all these peopel were there to support us through this difficult time. Some people stayed for the service and others came to pay their respects. When it came time for the service there was standing room only. The place was packed and it kind of felt as if everyone there was wrapping their arms around us giving us a hug.

We could not have asked for a better service. Hugh's brother Glenn played the music which was awsome and just perfect. My sister Tara read a beautiful poem she wrote for him, which I will post once I get a copy of it from her. Hugh did a reading and also sang Bass in the group that sang the special song I had requested to be done since I always sang the melody to George. As you looked aorund the church you saw monkeys everywhere. At the alter was the baby's urn with a Curios George wrapping its arms around him. I could not have asked for a better service. A friend of ours who had lost her daughter at a young age read one of the readings. I gave his eulogy and made it through without crying so that was a huge feat.

It was akward to sit there in the pew and look at my son's picture and urn knowing that this was the end of him here. From that moment forward I knew we had to officially find a new sort of normal. I'm not sure how we are going to do that at this point in time but I know it will come in time. The utter impact that it had on me was just something I cannot explain.

At the end of the service we processed out to the memorial garden where we placed some of his ashes. I did that and it was hard for me to do but I knew as his mommy I had to see him out of this earth since I brought him in. I knew him the longest and had this connection with him that I will forever miss. As we left the hall I put a rose on his little grave and kissed it. God how I wish it didn't have to be this way but I know I cannot change it.

The hall was beautiful. We got a chance to celebrate his life and all those milestons we will miss. There were balloons and kids and friends and family everywhere. The food was great and I can't thank all those who helped out in the kitchen and made food enough for their help. Everyone who helped make his service special will forever have a place in our hearts.

I have decided that a funeral is much like a wedding, in the fact that those who are hosting it never sit down! There is always someone to talk to or something to do. I did get a chance to sit down briefly but I was on my feet most of the time. The kids were having a blast the whole time though. I think that most people had a good time or at least as good of a time as you can have under the circumstances.

Hugh and I went back into the church to get the baby's urn. I knelt on the risers and just prayed to God to take care of my baby. He knows how much I hurt being away from George. With that I started to cry. The finality of it all just really hit me. My sweet little boy is gone and I am left with an urn of what use to be his little body. That was so hard to really accept but I know that I cannot change things and can only keep moving forward.

We all went back to my mom's and had a good time talking with family and friends. After a while we came back home to try and get some sleep and get the little boys in bed. Tomorrow is another day, hopefully I can finally get some sleep. It has been such a long and draining day on everyone. I hope to have pictures and my eulogy and my sister's poem up on here tomorrow. Thank you all for keeping us in your prayers. We will need them as we move forward seeking out where our next step will be on the path of life.

February 12, 2009

Today seemed as if it was a day that would never end. There was just so much to do and a lot of running around for final things we need for the baby's service. By the end of the night I was surely maxed out physically and especially emotionally. I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be much of the same.

I was up again with another panic attack around the same time that Hugh came running with the baby two weeks ago. It is going ot take time for these to go away. I keep reliving the day over and over again in my head. I've gotten some medication to help with them for the time being.

My mom and I went to Costco to order the sandwich trays. I took the picture of the baby with us so I could go to one of the stores to get a mat for it. That was a fiasco. Joann Fabrics was my first stop but they had no one who could help until 3pm. We shot over to AC Moore. Thankfully they had someone working but boy she was such a chatter box! Nice lady and knew her stuff. It took us forever because of sizing issues and of course the macine they use broke so she had to finish it by hand. I wanted the mat for people to sign instead of a guest book. I also got a teddy bear that people can sign when coming in the church and don't plan to stay tillt he service is over. After the service his picture will be moved downstairs so people can sign the matting. It tured out beautiful dispite the fact we had to wait an hour.

We headed home and I went to grab things that needed to go to the church. Hugh ran to get the boys lunch when I got a call from the local detective. He wants me to come in and give him a taped events by recolection of what happened that day and night. I just busted out into tears because that is the very immage that replays over and over in my head an him just saying it made it even worse! It will have to be next week sometime and I am not looking forward to it.

Hugh and I dropped the boys off at my mom's and headed to the church to set up. It all seemes so sureal at times. We put the monkeys all over the church and his picture up front. It looked perfect! Of course it made me miss him even more and I sat there and cried. Hugh had his moments too. We went down to the parish hall and started to cover he tables. At first I was afraid I wouldn't have enough but it worked out perfect and the hall looks awsome. His picture boards are up there and lots of decorations.

We went back to my mom's once we were done, and I think I just had enough. I felt so drained from all the on the go and emotional stuff that the day brang with it. I know tomorrow is going to be just as bad, if not worse but I will do it for my baby.

We had two instances with the boys today taht made it hard. Josh had lifted up my shirt and asked me if I had another one in there because he missed Georgie. He told me to go back to the hospital and I can stay there and the doctors can take the baby out and then he will vist me until I can come home. Michael had his moment when he looked at the picture of George and told me don't worry he will come back later. If only that were true and it was that simple. It has just been a very long and draining day. I know tomorrow will be more of the same so please just keep us in your prayers.

February 11, 2010

Today has been a rough day for me. I woke up with a huge anxiety attack yet again. It is sort of like post tramatic stress dissorer. You wake up and relive that day all over again. It is such a terrible thing to have to constantly relive. I've been to the docs but of course shy of meds there is nothing they can do. We start grief counseling next Wednesday night. I know it is normal to feel like this but I just hate it.

I don't know what normal is anymore and I miss him terribly. My heart aches for him. We picked up his urn today from the funeral home. I thought that maybe having him here would make it better but I don't think it did. In a way it did but in a way it was a hard realization that my baby's life is over and I can now only hold a marble box rather then my beautiful boy.

Joshua walked up to it and kissed it very gently and said "I love you brother and I miss you." I just wanted to cry as I sat there watching him do this. Just two weeks ago he was able to do that to George's cheeks. I thought as the days went on it would get better but it really isn't at this point. I know I am at a standstill with it all until his service on Saturday.

After Saturday, we are going to have to find a new normal. I don't know how to do that. You can't go back to the way it use to be an you can't go forward the way that use to be. It is so confusing and all I want is my little boy back and wonder why this happens. I know that God has a plan but sometimes I just really wonder what it is he is thinking. Do I get a break from bad things happening to me? How much more can I really handle?

Idid talk to a lady from the NJ SIDS foundation. They sent me a packet a few days ago that I just have not had the time or even energy to read. There is just so much to do and stuff keeps going wrong making it all that much more complicate. She was very nice and apparently they got my name and info from someone at the hospital. They will be calling me weekly and have a lot of resources. Once the autopsy report is done I can request a copy of it. She offered to read through it with me since it is very graffic.

I told her that I read charts for a living and that i know what they look like and how grafic they are. It isn't going to be a good day when I get it. I was so mad that they even did one because THEY needed to knwo what he died from. It may sound stupid but I felt like I brought him into the world whole I didn't want them to cut him open and then he have to leave the world that way. I know they do on an autopsy an I didn't want that to happen to my baby but I had no say.

Anyway, tomorrow we have to get the church ready for his service. I am waiting to hear back to see if we can get in around 2pm to start setting up because I don't know if there are many people that can come to help. I am hoping for a better mental health day tomorrow an that things go smoothly.

February 10, 2010

The boys got their wish for a snow day and from my previous post today you can tell the morning started off with a bang! That really messed up my plans for the rest of the day though. I was planning on doing picture boards and my little monkey gifts but that all got messed up. Right now I am just so overwhelmed by so many different emotions.

I did get three picture boards done today. It was hard to do this time around, this was my baby. I missed him so much and looking at and sorting the pictures made it all to real. My heart ached as I put it together just wishing he was here with me in my arms. I think it is odd because it is like you are walking in this fog most of the day.

The funeral home called and said his urn was in. I was so excited. This had to have been the wierdest thing to be excited about. I can't wait to go pick him up, and tha sounds even odder to say. It has been as if something has been missing and I know it is him. Maybe having him here will help, I don't know but I just want to go get him.

I have been having trouble with sleeping and finally figure out why. Now that everyone is back here at the house I am waking at every sound an in a panic. This moring was the worst one yet but I realized why. It was because that is when the baby died. Hugh got up this morning and was very heavy footed and it just made my heart fall into my chest because all of the memories from that mroning came flooing over me. It was sort of like a solier off to war who comes back but keeps replaying in their mind what happened in the field.

Loosing a child is an experience like no other. I have lost many people I love or have known and even worked hospice before but this is completely different. The ups and downs are intense and you just never know when they will be. Small things can set you off crying or feeling lost. Most of the time you have things together but when it falls appart, it really falls appart. It is like a never ending roller coaster but the track is above you so you cant see what is coming.

Tomorrow starts crunch days until the service. I really hope it is beatiful. I hope I get everything done. my poor brain is in its own zip code right now doing its own thing when I am here. Being level heade is just not my strong suite right now. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight.

Trying to Understand People

Ok, how in the world can someone be so insensitive with what has happened to our family. We just had some major drama with our neighbor across the street. We have always had tension between us because the wife is a difficult personality to deal with. You have to kiss her rear end or she doesn't like you. She thinks as if she owns the whole block and can do whatever she wants to do. I've been one of the few people who refuse to allow her to be a bully. She is just that, an adult bully.

We had a long night and just waited to get up and go take care of the snow figuring it wasn't going anywhere. Having lost George an the boys having their health issues we have learned to appreciate life and know that the snow stuff can wait and were spending time with the boys and working on funeral plans. Finally Hugh got up to finally go work on the snow. He went out and started to shovel our drive. We don't have a snow blower so I told him that he needed to be careful knowing the stress that he has been under and knowing he has heart stress and shoveling can cause those things to get worse.

He finally got to the end of the drive after shoveling. The husband came by and started to help Hugh with the end of the drive on his own valition. Hugh stood there with the shovel taking a break talking to him and thanked him. Well all she saw was him standing there while her husban was helping him out. She opened her windown and started telling him he was a deadbeat and needed to get a job. Her husband works all week an had been up since 7 am working on the snow. That was just the straw that broke his back and he just went off. After all the issues she has caused with us across the years that we have just let go an the passing of the baby he just went off. I think he called her every single name in the book.

I was in the house playing with the boys. Suddenly, I heard Hugh with a tone of voice I have never heard him use across the years I have known him. I went out in my pajamas with nothing on my feet but socks to try and calm him down. She kept screaming out her window and saying all sorts of horrible things. I yelled back at here, "can't you have any respect, we just lost our son?" She had the audacity to say, that isn't my problem, I don't care. That set Hugh off even more and I was trying to push this man back in the house before he totally lost it or had a heart attack. He is never like this and is the most understanding person and a huge teddy bear. I just kept telling him that she wasn't worth it and to get back in the house.

Finally I got him back in the house and calmed him down. I told him to go to my mom's with the little boys and that I would finish shoveling the driveway. As I sat there soveling, I could not believe that she could truly be like that. There are such horrible people in the world and that truly don't get it at all or just don't really care. They had a little boy and I just thought that they would understand. I just stood there in the snow sobbing over all that has transipired and how we didn't need this sort of thing right now. I had already had an issue with a friend of mine recently that hurt my feelings after hte baby passed, I just keep wondering WHY???

We are good people who only want the simple tings in life and work hard ot get that. Our lives have been complicated by some difficult circumstances and we have made the best of what we have been given. It was not Hugh's fault that the field he was in went in the toilet with the economy and the economy sucks right now and he can't find employment. God also didn't give him a job because he gave him the time with our son who he knew he was taking soon. I think she thinks I don't work either an we are people living on the system when that is by far not the case.

My brother came walking down the street as I sat there crying to help me out. His girlfriend followed shortly after and tried to get me to stop crying. I just kept saying, why doesn't she get it and can't she get past herself to understand. Down the street came my father with his shovel. God had sent me my own little army of family to console me as I stood there crying in pain and just utter disbeliefe over the whole thing. Finally Hugh came back home too. We were inside talking and I told him that we needed to go over there and try to be the bigger people. We needed to get this "fued" between us all rectified, well not us all just between his wife and us. We don't know what ever caused it other then I told them I could no longer watch their son when I was pregnant with Michael and it was last minute because I had started spotting again and was told to stop doing so much. I don't really know but no matter the fact I felt it had to be rectified.

I went over myeslf because Hugh just knew himself and felt he could not do that at this time. My father said he was not going to leave me alone and went with me. He is usually very diplomatic so I figured ok, I think we will finally get this whole thing resolved. I figured it couldn't get any worse and that it needed to be dealt with now rather then later. Boy was I wrong!!!

I knocked on the door and it took her forever to answer. I am sure she knew it was me. I began saying that I felt I needed to come over so we could resolve things so and try to be adult about it. She just started to tell me she was just defending her husband because he works all day and my husband couldn't even thank him. I told her she was wrong because I know my husband and he was greatful for the help and did tell him thank you. She started to get nasty with me and I kept trying to stay calm although it was so tough to do. She started to say that Hugh was lazy and I said to her that we had been planning funeral services and to please try to understand we just lost our son. She turned aorund an said to me that she was sorry about our son but it was nto her problem and she really didn't care. If God was not there with me I know I would have gone off but I was not going to let her get the best of me.

With that, my dad lost it!!! My dad, the man who never says anything. Then she stared to say Hugh was not a very Christian person after calling her the names he did and that he was just a looser who couldn't defend himself. My dad went bolistic and said that he didn't know anything about the bible but that even the bible has cuss words it and by her actions she obviously doesn't know what the bible says either and she needed to read it herself. I was just so floored by it all. Hugh took everyting he had to try and come over and resolve it but she turned around and started getting nasty with him and called him a deadbeat!

I asked them to all please calm down and if I could just come in and talk like adults. She said she wanted nothing to do with me and that we needed to get off her property. I pleaded with her to please talk to me as an adult to an adult without to get this all resovled and she just wouldn't. Her husband stood there behind her with his eyes to the floor, knowing he felt horrible for what was transpiring but not willing to say a thing. He did admit the fact that Hugh did thank him and then she turned and said oh well, I appologize for that but that she didn't care and that she was no longer dealing with this and slammed the door in my face. What a holy nightmare! I sat there in utter disbelief as I walked away with my dad. I was so proud of him and thankful for him and just told Hugh he was not a looser and he was the best man in the world.

She had gotten into this whole thing about how her house is immaculate an our yard is always a mess. Little does she know that our lives are just not privy to that sort of thing. Our kids are still young and life is to short to continually worry about the house being clean or the yard being immaculate. I sat there praying for her and feeling sorry for the terrible person that she was. She doesn ot realize that I work an Hugh that kids can't tollerate being outside half of the year due to temp regulation issues. We can't leave them alone so what does she expect...we have learned first hand that life is too short.

I was just baffled by the whole thing and how someone could be so heartless. It saddens me so much. I have never been one to tell the kids that they cannot assosicate with anyone even if we don't get along with them but in this instance I have asked Richard to please not associate with them. I just don't need her doing something like that to him or the boys just be boys and do something because we just don't need that sort of stress in our already stressful life we lead. We actually got rid of our dog over an incident with her this past summer to avoid these problems with her. She is just an adult bully an unfortunately, I cannot control the way she is. All I can do is pray for her and the sad life that she leads.

February 9, 2010

My sweet little boy you would have been 5 months old today. It broke my heart because when you turned 4 months, I kept thinking how awsome it was going to be to see you crawl around...it was always one of my craziest but favorite milestones. In my mind it would have been around my birthday but God had other plans for us all. I know you were here today dispite the emptiness we feel here without you in your crib.

Poor Michael just doesn't get the fact that you are gone. He was in your room today asking for your special lavender lotion to put on his belly just like he always did if he knew someone had hte bottle. We kept finding him pulling down the bumper pad looking for you. He would ask where you were and we would tell him, in heaven. He just didn't understna it. Daddy even picked him up to show him your empty crib an he told us to go find you. We all miss you terribly but push through each day as if it is a chore right now rather then a joy. There are moemnts of joy but it is just short lived right now and we know it is ok.

It is snowing outside and we are all here in the house wishing you were with us. We felt your presence this morning. The morning was going as usual but this time there came a single beam of light in the window. It was not just light in a room but rather one of those sun beems that warms you all the way to your heart when you sit in it and enjoy the warmth that it brings. Many people have that feeling and I have decided that it is a way for our loved ones to let us know they are with us. IT doesn't happen all the time and you can see particles in the suns light. I told the little boys that it was angel dust and that you were letting us know you loved us and were here with us.

I went out to get things for the funeral. It is the hardest thing to be out shopping for your babies funeral. The whole shopping experienced is just dragge down by the thought of what it is for. So many times I find myself doing something and thinking of how it reminds me of you. Looking at babies is hard and so is going into that section of the store. It all just seems to remind me of you in some odd way. I know that a lot of this is totally normal but many times I feel like I am loosing my mind. I can't remember words, forget what I am doing, and forget where I have put things. It is crazy but I keep telling myself it is temporary.

I think I have two sides, the practical side of me an then the mommy side. I know the reality of it all and that makes me know that nothing will help to bring you back to me. The mommy part wants you so badly dispite all of the logic of it all. That is the times that you get in the if only I could have or if only I did. We know that there was nothing more we could do but we just want you so badly and have very few answers. I think it is hard to not know why dispite the fact we knew we took the best care of you ever. You were the love of our lives. I love to look at your pictures and yet it hurts to look at them. I love the momories but yet the memories hurt to know there will be no more with you in them. It is so difficult to feel torn in so many different ways.

We finally have most of the stuff for your service. I am so thankful for everyone who has been here for us. Simple things like making dinner are just difficult for me to do right now. Even when I do make something I will take one bite and not eat the rest. One day at a time, is what I keep telling myself. One step or breath at a time is sometimes what it comes down to. I find it hard to not have anxiety about things right now especially as your service gets closer.

The odd part is I am not worried about you, when I always thought I would be. I truly believe you are well taken care of and I only cry for myself because I miss you. It was kind of like when I was a little girl and I would spend the night somewhere and my parents were out. I was never worried about them or if they would return but I would have panic attacks and want them to be home or I wanted to be home. It isn't exactly the ssame but probably the best way I could explain it. I know they are coming back to get me but not exactly when and I know I will be safe anc comfortable in my home again but that all lies in the hands of someone else.

Tomorrow everyone has a snow day so I am going to try and sit down and try to actually put your photo boards together. I feel like I have to do them but have been puttint it all off. There are less adn less days before your service and still tons to do. It is going to be great and I can't wait to celebrate with you my sweet angel...You are forever in my heart!

February 8,2010

My sweet angel I miss you so much. Today has been full of many ups an downs. I think the road ahead will just be full of these things. We have finally all made our way back to the house to find our new "normal". It was kind of hard on all of us but a step we needed to make. I woke to find Richard staring at a picture of George on our refridgerator. He looked up and I asked him if he missed him and just hugged him. In turn, he cried and then pulled himself together. We talked about all sorts of things and the good memories but mostly about how lucky George was. George knew nothing put sheer love and happiness. It was one of those moments where I think it really helped him out. I tol him that George would never know what it was like to be made fun of or worry about bills or trial things that we all do eveyr day. He had such an awsome gift to only know unconitional love and pure happiness.

Richard went to school with George's picture in his pocket. I am going to be finding a way to help each of the boys still have a little bit of their brother. I'm going to get a iron on transfer for the printer and print his picture on it so we can put it on a stuffed animal. It will still give them a way to hold him and work through their own grief. They all miss him terribly. Michael looke up at me toay as we were playing and told me he missed Goerge.

Hugh needed to get out today and we went to Wendy's for lunch with Michael since the other kids were at shcool and I just don't have it in me to cook. It is so ironic how you can be fine one miniute and not hte next. The smell of the bake potato that I got just made me want to cry. I would eat them all the time when I was pregnant with him. It was such an odd things.

I could find myself and Hugh randomly phasing in and out of thought. I have to say at times there was nothing in particular that I was thinking about but found myself zoning out. The days are just flying by and time seems to escape me without me even reallizing it.

My friend from Germany called this morning at around 5:30am. It was hard to talk to her. She was so upset and cried as I answered the phone. All she kept telling me was that she din't know what to say. I told her there was nothing she could say and that it was fine. She has always been a great friend even though we don't talk all the time and only see each other on ocassion.

I think the one thing with all of this is that we have learned who our true friends are in all of this. It was quite shocking in many ways to see who stands behind you and undrstnans that grief just comes in many ways and we are learning to deal with it in our own way. There are others who just don't get it and make the whole thing worse dispite the fact they may feel they are doing us a favor. It is such an akward thing to be going through all of this at one time and just wish that you really didn't have to deal with any of it all.

We have looked at pictures and laughed and cried. Josh plays peek a boo with George's picture. He was even drawing a picture and told my mom to cover George's eyes(a picture of him was on the table) and then said ok. My mom took her hand off the frame and Josh held up a picture for George to see! He wanted to surprise him and said tada with such pride as she showed his brother the picture he drew. I think it is so awsome that he can do this.

Tomorrow I have to try an get some running around done before the snow again on Wednesday. I really just want a ay in bed with nohing to do and no interruptions. It would be nice for Hugh and I to get away for a little while or boy could I use a day away at a spa or something...I can dream can't I? I will settle for a few peaceful moments to myself where I can look at pictures of my little man and know he is in a better place. It is just that smile that captures my heart every single time!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

In my mind I have been trying to do a lot of connect the dots in terms of the boys and their symptoms. I find it ironic that both George and Josh's issues were coming out of sleep. There has got to be a corrolation between the two. I had done some research on the connection between Mito and SIDS. Recent research showed that infants dying from SIDS had low seratonin levles. I don't necessarily think that itself is the problem but think there may be something there.

When you make that chemical, you need magnesium and B6. I kept coming up with a magnesium deficiency issue. Apparently you can have fine magnesium counds in your blood but not actually be getting enough if your body does not metaboize thing properly. You actually have Magnesium stores just like iron stores but testing for this is very difficult from everything I have read thus far. You counts change based on diet and things of that nature and fatty things.

It says that many of the people who have trouble have many of the symptoms the boys have had. We had taken George off of his additional OTC antacid which contained Magnesium and put him on a pump inhibitor and the Zantac. I know the Zantac had Magnesium in it but I don't wonder if it was just not enough.

The more I researched it, Magnesium affects your central nervous system and the center where breathing, waking, temp regulation and things like that. Apparently your body will pull from it's stores to make sure that your blood Magnesium stays stable so actually detecting the dysfunction is virtually impossible. Magnesium is key to ATP production, which is the chemical that the Mitochondria actually produce.

Dispite the fact that baby formula has enough Magnesium in it for a normal baby, it may not be for one who has a metabolic disease or who's body does not use it appropriately. The last week of George's life he had stopped sleeping and taking naps during the day but would crash at night. We had attributed it to possible teething and getting accustome to the new meds. All of our kids had always had issues whenever there was a change. Josh himself has been going downhill lately and we just could not figure out why. He usually took Gatoraide daily for issues with fatigue. It was always wierd when his labs came back norm being on it for a long time when you are suppose to use it in small amounts and was why we kept trying to switch him to something else.

Josh has since switched to milk and has started a steady decline. There is quite a bit of magnesium in Gatoraide so that truly makes me wonder if there is not a connection. Michael has always drank soy milk which has a higher Magnesium content and he has had less issues then the other two kids. I am not saying that this is the cause of it all but I feel as if it is worth looking into and bringing up to the doctors. I don't necessarily think that it has much to do with the low Seratonin like the SIDS article said but rather a possible metabolic issue with Magnesium. Amino acids are so key to metabolic function that it would not be a huge surprise if this contributes to some of the problems. There is at the very least a need to rule this issue out on my part. I'm going to bring it up to the docs this week, especially when I talked to my older sister who said she was told she has a magnesium deficiency.

Friday, February 5, 2010

My heart is just breaking today. The events of last week just keep replaying in my mind over and over again. I miss my beautiful baby so bad that my whole body just aches for him. I want to see that smile that was invoked just by him catching my gaze. He lit up anytime he would see his mommy. I would pick him up and he would just snuggle up under my neck with a finger or his thumb in his mouth and it was is the rest of the world didn't exist for either of us.

There is nothing that anyone could do or say to make this better. I can't bring him back and I so desperately want my little boy. For whatever reason, things just keep happening to make this all so much worse. His obituary was printed incorrectly where his date of birth was and I know it is stupid to rerun it for the extreme $395 cost but God it hurts to even look at it. It was no ones fault but I feel responsible since I didn't do it myself and in some way I feel as if I let him down. It means nothing to anyone else but me and I know it is something stupid to be upset about by I just don't know howelse to be right now.

As strong as I am, there is just no way for me to be able to cope and deal with all the stuff that goes with someone dying. I know people want my input and I have to do it but God knows every part of me just doesn't want to. I want to curl up in my bed and forget that the rest of the world just doesn't exist. People keep telling me to be strong but I just want to yell and say I am strong, that is why I am here and I am doing this all. It takes everything in me to just get out of bed right now.

I felt bad because I know my mom is trying to help but feels so helpless herself as she sees me suffer. Watching your child suffer is just so hard, I do that on a regular basis. I felt terrible when she called to tell me they were not going to rerun the baby's obituary since it was a mistake on our part and we would have to pay for it all over again. It was just yet another feeling of the total inability to control the things that happen. My heart didn't care I wanted it fixed by the logic in me just kept saying it was such a wast of money and would not bring my baby back, which is what I truly want. It has been as if one thing after another has just seemed to unravel and it is as if I have to relive that horrible day every single day and the helplessness that I felt.

We are suppose to be getting this horrible snow storm on the very day his service was suppose to be. As much as every single part of my being needs to have this whole thing completed, I knew logically we needed to postpone it. Everyone kept saying that it gives us more time to get it together. I get that but Lord why do I have to suffer even longer? I'm glad we had the option to do either but the reality was we knew it was just better to move the date. His little body has already been cremated and he has already gone; I saw that they day we went to the funeral home.

It was very odd to see him and all I kept saying he didn't look like himself. He looked like a baby doll. I know he was there with us though. Thinking back I remembered how hard it was for me to just leave him laying on the table there, knowing what the future held for his little body and that I could not walk that path with him. I felt as if I would have stayed there forever and yet I couldn't. It was as if I kept looking at him and saying to myself that this was all a dream because he didn't looke like my baby yet I knew it was my angel, and his body was just a vesel for his spirit that had left after we left him at the hospital. As I put him in my arms for the last time to bless him and kiss him, I turned his face to the side to kiss his chubby little cheeks, and for a brief moment I saw my son there. It was as if he was giving me that last moment with him to let me know that it was ok and that he would be alright. As quickly as I saw his spirit, it left again. My angel had earned his wings.

We have gotten cards, calls, people stopping by, and all sorts of other things. I've been so greatful for them and so thankfu for it all, but as odd as this sounds, I know everyone else will leave and I will be left to figure out how to continue living this hell here on earth without my son. Logically I know it will get easeir to deal with but the pain will never get easier. Everyone tells you to call them if you need anything but will Hugh or I really do that, no, we won't pick the phone up and say that I am having a crappy day. It is as if in some way we have found our solice in prayer and God because he "gets it" He knows when we are sad and how we truly feel without us having to say a single word. It is he who is embracing us without any spoken words and carrying us through each of these moments.

As things have replayed in my mind I have found so many similarities in Joshua and George. Both of them had their issues trying to come out of sleep. Josh had a seizure and George died. I do not know if there is something more to that but I read an article two days ago about how they think part of the issue with SIDS is lack of production of seratonin which helps you to wake. WE took the boys to the neuro office at St Chris yesterday and talked to the docs there. They of course were of no help and I just about wanted to punch the neuro himself but all that said. The reason we went was to continue the research they are doing there in order to try to diagnose Mito via mouth swab. It is so important that parents know and don't have to go through the hell of trying to get a biopsy done. The researcher was absolutely wonderful and I talked to him and told him how importnat I thought his research was. He said he was going to be talking to another doctor to look into setting up a fund in George's name for those who want to help the funding of this research. Even if it never happens, I am just greatful enough that he thought enough of us to even think of that.

I did finally find a necklace that I want to put some of the baby's ashes in so I can wear them around my neck and feel as if he is close to my heart all the time. Yes I know he is in it but I need that symbolic representation right now. One of the biggest hurdles is that I don't get paid for the time I am off from work and we are already behind on payments for things since I had taken time off to spend it with George(I do not regret a moment of it) so I just don't really know what to do or where to begin. God I wish I was a millionaire to be able to do what I want to do but I knowI have got to be practicle. In the very end, I know it will all make sense and work out in the end. I just feel for so may people who have to go through all of this and are in worse situations then we are.

I pray for strenght as we have to endure another week of pure torture. It is in me and I rely on it every day but God knows I need it today for the immages of a week ago and all the days following keep flooding my memories and just make every part of me hurt. Thank you all for the prayers and support, we truly appreciate it.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Today has been a rough day. They took the baby to the crematorium and we had to go pick up his remains, his death certificate, and the molds of his hands and feet. My heart has just felt so broken today and I just have not been able to concentrate on much. There are so many things I have to do but I just can't seem to get it together enough to do them. It just seems so overwhelming at times.

I did go to Josh's school today to work on Michael's registration. They had told me that they could postpone it but I really saw no point in it. I would have to do it anyway and then it would make me remember why I had to cancle it if I had to make it up. The staff was so shocked by me being there. I felt so bad for Joshua's teacher. She was so upset and in tears as we spoke about it all. They have all needed to speak with the guidance counselor to not only help themselves but also Joshua. He was rolling playdough and looked up and just said to his teacher " Baby George died" and it just took her back. I spoke with several members of the staff who were just so shocked and moved by everything.

Two of the staff members stopped by my mother's house since they had known her years ago when I was in school. One was the principal and she said to me that she was glad I had come. She said that she felt the way that I was handling it made it easier for the others to find strength and solice in the entire situation. They all have children and just all hurt so badly for our family. She said in a way I had helped them to heal and cope better with it all but that it has surely taken it's toll. It was just so personal since they had all watched me grow up and Joshua was in the shcool and they really understood now what I meant when I said they could be here one day and not the next.

I have felt like I have been in much of a daze the majority of the day. Friends of ours stopped by and brought pizza and are going to help Hugh with his project to make a section of the yard a place for George. His friend is going to be getting a maple tree and they will plant it with some of Geoge's ashes so that we can watch it grow! It was such a great idea and we were so greatful for their support and love. They have always been so good to us and there whenever we have needed them.

I did finally get the pictures sent to Costco so I can pick them up tomorrow and begin work on the picture boards. There is just so much to do and I just don't have it in me to do it all. Tonight I was so overwhelmed that I asked my brother in law to handle the music end of it and to coordinate it with the church because I just was feeling so overwhelmed after out trip to the funeral home. Trying to make decisions just seems so impossible right now. I can express to others what I want, I just can't seem to do it and there is just to much that I feel the need to deligate responsibility.

We picked up a portion of the babies remains today for the service on saturday. They will be placed in our churches memorial garden. The rest of them will be placed in a necklace that we got for Hugh and I and also a small box urn. It was so sureal to be sitting there picking out an urn for the baby knowing the only thing that remained from him was these ashes. The thought of it has just been so hard for me and just makes every part of my body ache and feel as if it has had a major loss. I think the other hard part was getting the death certificates handed to me when only a few days ago I got his birth certificate in the mail.

We did choose an urn that was very simple. It was like a base piece where we could put things on it. His name will be engraved along with his birth and death dates. It is flat so we can put a toy or something on top of it. We can even change it out with the seasons so I really liked that. Ihad made a shelf for him when I was pregnant that had his name and monkeys on it. We plan on putting the shelf over our wedding picture with his ashes and some of his things.

I am so greatful for the woman at the funeral home. She is so wonderful and helpful! I told her that I just didn't know what to do or where to look because the urns and items on the internet were just so overwhelming. She had initially suggested it to save on the money but at this point, I would sell my house to give this baby the service he deserves. It was so much easier when she handed me a book and I looked through it. Both Hugh and I came across what we were looking for. My older sister went with us and I thank God every day for my family because they have held us up through all of this when we have fallen down.

The baby's obituary will be in the newspaper tomorrow. I am so dreading the morning knowing that it will be there. I just want to cry knowing this is the black and white finality of it all. Writing it was hard enough. It is beautiful though since I have scene it already. The funeral home has it posted on their web page http://koschekandporterfuneralhome.com/obituary_view/71139 You are welcome to look at it and they have a place where you can click on a little candle to leave messages. My baby was so beautiful and the picture just showed his true personality. I cannot thank them all enough for everything they have done for us, God truly sent us to the right people.

Well, I am off to try and sleep. It has been so hard for me to sleep and eat lately. Everytime I sleep my mind keeps racing and everytime I eat, I want to throw up. So many people have been so kind to drop off food. I am so greatful for it because I know I have no desire to cook and don't think I will wnat to for sometime now. I have had trouble completing words and thinking at times because of the fog my head is in. I've gotten short with people and feel so terrible and yet I just don't have it in me to appologize. I have never been this lost in my life but so greatful I am grounded in my faith. Tomorrow is another day, I hope it gets better.I am taking it one breath at a time right now as God carries me through this whole thing.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

I am loosing track of days and time right now. The days seem to fly by and yet stand still at the same time. Tonight I am home by myself getting some much needed alone time to grieve and be alone with my thoughts and feelings. The next week will be filled with planning the baby's service and I need to get myself prepared for the road that lies ahead.

This morning Hugh and I both went to church and throughout the day found God's comfort come to us in many forms. Hugh had a dream of our little man crying and in the dream he went to him and picked him up and he stopped crying and was smiling that beautiful smile of his. He awoke when he noticed I had gotten out of bed from his wonderful dream. The clock made him realize that he needed to get up and moving so we could get to church. He put his pants on and felt something in his pocket. Out of curiosity he reached in and pulled out the item and then broke down in tears. He had pulled out the velcro tale from George's monkey halloween costume.

I came down stairs to find him in tears and asked what had happened and he told me and then swore that he did not wear those pants on Halloween! I looked at the pictures and he was right. We have no idea how in the world it got there but I know it was George's way of letting his daddy know that he was there. I truly felt so greatful for that moment.

We went to church and found so much support by everyone there. Many people hugged us and cried with us and for us. We got something to eat before heading to the craft store. Someone had posted here about getting a mold of the babies hand and foot. We had called the funeral home early this morning to make sure he was still there and asked them to do the mold for us and they told me whatever I wanted they would do. We had to get the kit and had to run it to them but we will have a beautiful way to remember out little boy.

While there, we opted to pick up some boards and decorations to make photo boards to share with everything. Hugh ached at every turn of an isle and it was etched all over his face. I wanted to look to see if they still had the little wooden monkies that I used to make George's shelf. I wanted to give them out to people who attend. THe only had 3 on the shelf so I went to ask if they could order them. They looked at me oddly when I told them I wanted 50 of them. I explained why and the people there are trying their best to get them for me and as they called around they would update me on what was going on while I was shopping for the rest of the things I needed. They are ordering them so I hope they can get them in time.

We began to think of his service and what we wanted. Deacon Smythe was coming to the house after a meeting at the church to do this. I really didn't know where to begin but by the end of it all, I truly knew it was not only us planning the service but also my grandparents. I was looking for readings and was not familiar with the list of "typical funeral" readings. One had struck a cord with me just because it came from Job. I always draw strenth from the book of Job in times like these. We didn't have a bible with us since we forgot it but we asked my mom if she had one. She gave us two so we could decide. I opened to the page and found very distinct markings at the very section referenced. I just about died when I found out it was my grandmother's bible. She was there guiding us through planning his service and I just knew at that very moment that God was carrying me through all of this...I live by Footprints in the Sand.

The service is now officially planned at our church, St. Martin in the Fields here in Lumberton for Saturday February 6th,2010. Calling hours will start at noon and end at 2pm when we will hold his celebration of life service. People have been dropping of monkey's and I can't tell you how excited I am to see them at the church ready for the service! My monkey is going to love it. I am still working on the music since I want that to be very special since music is what brought Hugh and I together and George LOVED music!

I had posted that I felt very sad about all the milestones in his life that I will miss. Today I found a way to do that and also make his service super special. We are going to decorate each table for the reception following the service with a theme. We will have a birthday table, Christmas, Halloween, prom, wedding, and so on and so forth. It is going to be one huge celebration of his life and all those life milestones. The idea was just perfect and I can thank my sister Tara for helping me find a way to make this a special day.

Hugh's sister and her husband stopped in today and I was so greatful for that. I think he really needed that. They stayed for a while and then were going to check on Hugh's mom. That was a blessing also because she has been taking it hard too.

Ken, the boys pediatrian also came by. He is hurting so bad right now, please pray for him. I know him well enough to know what he is thinking and how terrible he feels. He feels so lost and never wanted to see us go through this. We were so happy to see him and glad we could all grieve together. He didn't know George as well as he did the other boys but I know he saw his own son Rhys in George. This past summer he worked hard on the playouse and became such a part of our family. He has become like a second father to Hugh and I and is probably the one person that truly understands me like no other. His words of wisdom and help have never gone unnoticed or unappreciated and he knows that. We were so happy to be able to be there for him and cry and laugh together because I think we all needed it so badly. Ken I love you!

My sister Tara and I sat down and wrote the babies obituary. I have to send it to the funeral home tomorrow to have it put in the paper. We want anyone who feels the need or desire to come feel free to come. George was not only our gift, but a gift to the world. So many people have been touched by our little monkey that we want them to celebrate his life with us.

I also have really come to make peace with God. I don't want to be angry because we cannot change what has happened and God has bigger plans for us and that is why we are here. He wanted to hold George and wanted him in heaven because he was that wonderful of a child...who wouldn't want him. I also feel so blessed to have been chosen to be his mommy. I thank God for allowing me the time I had with him. He could have chosen to take my little man sooner so I am greatful for 4 months of wonderful!

I have a lot to do in order to have everything ready for Saturday. It is helping to keep me busy and I am greatful for that. I'm trying to find a way to get things so taht they are the way I want. It is like I feel the need to give my baby everything I can that day. It makes me feel as if I have done right by him and was the best mommy I could be to him and that he gave me so much that I need to give it back to him. It sounds odd, I know. He just loved me so much and gave me so much and he deserves the best!

I'm hoping to get some rest tonight because the few hours of sleep I have gotten are truly wearing on me. I really need this time to be by myself and collect my thoughts tonight. Hugh is grieving in his own way by staying around the boys. I'm sure part of him feels as if he needs to protect them. he is so terrified to leave them alone now. It is going to take him a long time and even then, I don't know if that will every change for him. It is good that hey are there and can console him becuase right now I just cannot carry this for the two of us and the children and somehow come out in the end all in tact. I need to really get myself together before the marathon of funeral plans ahead of me.

It is a very odd feeling to feel as if your world has stopped. you wonder if the stranger walking by knows the hell you are living. Peopel come and go all day but they get to leave that hell we are staying in. I know that having all the visitors is hard sometimes but as I told my mom, I need that right now during the day but need my time at night...I just don't know why. I think we are going to be going through many things like this over the next few days, weeks, or years.

The past few days have finally taken their toll on me so I am heading off to try and get some sleep. Please keep us all in your prayers and thank you all for words of kindness. We appreciate everyone's caring thoughts.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I don't know what day was harder, yesterday as I watched my baby die or today when I had to sign the papers to have him cremated and see him for the last time. My heart ached with every single passing moment. It was as if everyone else was living their lives and mine was standing still.

We got a call this morning that the coronor had authorized release of George's body to the funeral home. The funeral home asked that we get an outfit together and anything else that we wanted with him. I sat there wishing I would just wake up from this nightmare. I aimlessly walked around the house trying to figure out what outfit I was going to put him in. It just became a quest to buy him a christening outfit that I had hoped he would one day wear the the celebration of his baptism, not the outfit my son would be cremated it.

He still deserved the best and I had a duty to him as his mommy to see that he got the best. I always say that your job as a parent never ends at a certain age or timeframe, and that includes if they pass before you. My mom and aunt Cathy went with me to look for an outfit for him. We could not find one in his size and Ijust didn't know what would fit him and did not have him there with me to even try it on and I just felt so helpless. Then I found myself saying it doesn't matter if it is big because no one would know and it wouldn't fall off of him because it wasn't like he was going to be moving in it. It was such a terrible thought but I just didn't know how to rationalize it.

I kept it all together until I got to the counter to pay for it. My aunt had offered to pay for the outfit since my uncle is his godfather even though we never did have a service. The people at the counter looked at me as I walked up to the counter with tears streeming down my face. The poor girl asked me what was wrong and I told her I was buying this outfit for my son who had just died. She surely got more then she bargained for with that question as I broke down in tears sobbing. My poor aunt tried to fend it off by telling me to get out of the way and that she would handle it. I just looked at her and told her that I had to do it,I was his mommy and I owed it to him and I wanted to do it for him since it was all that I could do.

I stopped in at the party store down the street. I wanted to go in by myself and needed to. I walked up and down the isles thinking of how I would never be celebrating a birthday with my son. It hurt so bad to walk down the isle where the first birthday items were knowing that my poor baby would never see that day. I didn't know what I was looking for exactly but I knew it had to be a monkey for my little monkey. I found a few small little monkeys that I want to put together with some thank you notes for the hospital staff and police officers who were there for our family and grieved. I don't think anyone walked away without being profoundly touched by our little boy.

I bought some Curious George balloons. I also bought a bear that you could sign that was holding a picture frame so that we could put his picture in it. I am going to look online to see if I can find a monkey one but I will settle for the bear if that is all I can find. I bought some Curious George stickers and table covers for his service. It was as if I was in a daze walking in and out of those isles yet I knew I needed to do it. There were people in there getting ready for a baby shower and here I was getting ready to give my baby back to God. I hurt with every fiber of my being but I made it through the store and at least did not break down crying as I checked out.

We got home and found family and friends there that we had not seen in a while. I cannot tell you what it means for us to have people stop by. It is kind of odd to say that crying with them and telling them what happened in a way is a powerful healing tool. In some odd way it is as if we are still keeping him alive by doing this and remembering him.

I think the best part of the day was the phone call from the funeral home saying that the baby did not suffocate. I an't tell you how relieved I was to get that news. It sounds odd but lord knows I did not want Hugh or I blaming ourselves wondering if only we had done something different that he would still be here. Yes we still think if only we had checked on him sooner or if only we had not gone to sleep he would be here but truly deep inside we know that we didn't do anything. I think it is as if we feel the need to blame someone or something and it is easier to look within and take the blame.

They are still waiting on toxocology reports but feel as it it is SIDS. Anyone who knows me, know I disagree with that as a diagnosis because I KNOW George had Mito like his big brothers. I had told doctors for months that there was something wrong. I told people I knew something was wrong and everyone just kept saying he was fine. It even got to the point that I was seriously thinking I was crazy. I now know I was not crazy. Unfortunately, Mito is not detectable on an autopsy and the doctors refused to test him because he was under the age of two and "looked" fine. I know this disease is what took my little boy from me. If I was not an advocate for this before, I surely am now and I have several things that I am tossing around in my mind to make sure that George did not die in vain. He was here for a reason greater then my understnading but it has put a fire in my heart.

Richard's teacher from last year, Mr. Berman, came to my mom's house today. I cannot tell you how much this gesture meant to me. He wanted to be there for our family and especially for Tara and Richard. He brought George's first monkey for the service. I thanked him for being my son's mentor and going above and beyond what a teacher is suppose to do. He sat with Richard and played a video game with him and was just there for Richard and it just meant so much.

One of my cub scout mom's stopped by today. Colleen is a nurse and we have always had some sort of bond. She brought Richard something and bought me this beautiful keepsake box from Willow Tree that has a picture of a mom and baby. Ironically, I had bought a statue from that series for Hugh the day George died, it was two parents holding a baby that said "Our Gift"

George was truly that, our gift. His smile warmed your heart and his laugh still rings in my ears. We got a call shortly after that we could go to see him if we wanted to one last time. I of course said yes and told anyone who wanted to go could come. All I can say is nothing can ever prepare you for that moment. The only way I could explain is was as if it was a theater stage and the whole room was pitch black and there shines a spotlight on one lonely spot. That was what it was like to see my baby on a table knowing it would be that last time I could ever touch or kiss him. It was just a profound immage that will forever remain etched in my memory.

He was all dressed in his christening outfit and covered with a blanket I had bought at Christmas for his baptism. He also had the little stuffed Precious Moments monkey I had gotten him for Christmas. My god he did not look like himself...he was just not my baby, not the baby that I knew. You could see that his soul had left his body. I don't know if I wanted to rejoyce for him because I know he is in God's loving embrace or cry for my loss because the pain I feel is just unexplainable.

We took pictures of him. I needed to have something from those moments. I don't exactly know why but I am so glad that we did. My two sisters and Bill(the boys honorary grandpop) were there with us and I cannot thank them enough for walking with us. I wanted to be the last one to be with George. The two of us were kindred spirits and I just needed my time alone with him. They all left me to be with my precious angel. At first I didn't know what to do or why I even needed that time but I did. I found myself playing on last game of Pat a cake with him(kind of odd, but that was his favorite game/song). I cried, I held his hand, kissed his beautiful chubby cheeks, gave him eskimo kisses, sang Amazing Grace and Come to Him(a song that I fell in love with years ago and ironically would always sing to him as I walked the floor with his head against my chest as he just found comfort being with me), and I have him one last little mommy blessing. I always kiss my boys good night, bring my fingers to my lips, kiss my fingers, and then do the sign of the cross while saying "Father, Son, Holy Spirit" This was the very last thing I do before they fall asleep and my last moment with my angel.

George earned his wings and is the most beautiful angel in heaven right now. I just can't believe it was only 4 months here that I would have with him. Right now I am counting my blessings that I had those four months because it oculd have been shorter although I do feel robbed at times. I know how having this disease can take a turn for the very worst in just a few short moments. It was always my fear that I would loose one of them to it and I now have. I pray to God that he gives me many more years with the other boys but I know that in the end it is his will and not mine.

We have not set any arrangements in stone yet. Tomorrow Hugh and I are going to go to church. I knwo we both need it emotionally and we also have to talk to them about a service. I know that I want to put his monkeys around and I have a few things in particular that I want but we have to wait and see what is available and also wait for his ashes to be returned to us. It hurts me to even think of this whole thing.

I cannot tell you how greatful we are for all of our friends and family. Today Hugh's mom and brother Glenn and his nephews were here along with his old boss Gary and his friend Gary(yes two different people) My sisters have been so great along with my aunts, cousins, and uncles. Most of all, my mom and dad. My parents are hurting as badly as we are but they are trying to keep it together for us. My mom just lost her parents a little over a year ago and I know it is like reliving that nightmare all over again but even worse because she has to watch me suffer. I know all to well that helpless feeling as you watch your child suffer and have no control over it and how you would make it all differnt if you could.

We really need to be surrounded by other people right now. I think I just fear the day that the people will stop coming and we are left with our empty aching hearts. Tonight Hugh and I got to spend some one on one time. My mom has the boys for us and as we speak, Hugh is sound asleep next to me. We have both laughed and cried tonight. I also told him that there are going to be times where I just can't be there for him because I am hurting too. He understood that and we know that when we each have these moments we will have to rely on friends and family and we have been doing that for the past two days.

I think that the hardest part is going to be the fact that the little boys don't understand. I just started crying tonight as Josh took a look at my computer screen and there is a picture of George. He looked at me and told me that George was gone but that his picture was smiling at me. With that he shoved the computer screen towards me and told me to hug it. He then took my face as I broke down crying and shoved it up at the celing and told me to look up there because he was right there in heaven and that he was smiling in heaven(none of this came prompted, it all came from his little head and heart). Icannot tell you how torn my emotions were right then and there. I wanted to cry and was so proud of him and then just plain old overwhelmed.

I have such wonderful boys and a wonderful husb and family. Our hearts are breaking. we know that the wounds will heal but it will never be the same. It is kind of like how you break a glass but even if it all gets put back together, it just isn't ever the same. Thank you for the prayers and please keep them coming as we try to find a way to live life with part of our souls missing.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Our wonderful baby boy George Charles passed away yesterday. We do not know what happened but my heart is beraking right now. Hugh and I just don't have the words to express our pain. His life was way to short and I would be lying it I said I dont want him back.

Yesterday was full of tons of emotions. The only way I can explain my feelings is just sheer numbness. George was my litte man and had my heart in a way that I just cant exlain. We were soul mates/kindred spirits. He could not talk or walk but he just always knew what it is that I wanted or needed. I feel like part of my soul died with my little boy yesterday.

He ran out holding his lifeless little body screaming as I flew up the steps to see with was he matter He thrust his tiny little body into my arms and I immediately started CPR. He had no pulse and was just unresponsive. Poor Hugh just does not handle emergencies well and ran around the house freaking out as I tried to get him to cal down and call 911. He was in such a panic that I had to talk to the 911 dispatcher until the cops and emergency squad came. They all worked so hard on him and took him to the hospital. His lifeless littl body sat there on the table as they tied to save his little life. I stood there in the room not being able to leave my little boys side. The look on their faces just said it all and I knew it really was a long shot. this was the one time I wish I didn't know anyhing medically.

When they finlly asked if I wanted to hold his hand, I knew it was all over. Hugh kept looking at him and holding his hand and told him to keep fighting. He just didn't realize, as I knew, that George was gone. The ER doctor put his arm around Hugh and looked at him with tears in his own eyes and said he was sorry. He had cofirmed our worst fear, that our little monkey had died. I picked him up and held him so tight just crying. So many things flooded my mind as I sat in the cold ER room where my son left me.

I sat there wondering what I had ever done in my life to deserve to loose my baby. I just couldn't save him. So many what if I had done more what if I had stayed up all night. He was still warm when we brought him in but i had known he was going to be gone. So many members of the hospital staff were just wonderful and I cannot thank them enough for their effeorts to save the love of my life.

We never had him baptized, so I asked that they baptise him for me. Iknow he is in heaven and baptizing him wasn't really going to fix that but for my own comfort I needed them to do it. My sister Michelle and thier on call chaplan was brought it. Our own deacon came in slightly after so just be with us. So many things ran through my mind and still are. I keep telling myself one step at a time. Ironically enough, it was yet another 29th of a month. Both of my grandparents passed on the 29th of a month

The hardest two moments where when detectives and the prosocutor showed up to question us. I cannot tell you how bad I wanted to scream at them and I just about passed out in the hallway as they began to ask questions and tell me it was routine proceedure. They invaded my house while I was not there and took pictures of the baby's bed and removed his blankets and things. My mom told me they weren't going to do that but I kenw in my heart they were.

When I got home I never felt more invaded and lost and angry like that ever before. His little bed was empty with a few scattered things in it. After a few hours at my mom's house with family and friends, I left on my own to spend some much needed time alone. My dad walked me home and even stayed for a while. I felt the need to clean his room, make his bed, pick it all up and make it the way it ws the day he came home from the hospital. The empty crib mattress just kept reminding me of the violated feeling from them taking his things. I sat in his rocking chair rocking and crying holding the little monkeys I had bought for him. He was my little Curious George.

I know they are going to do an autopsy dispite the fact that I don't want them to. I just don't want them to cut up my precous angel who cam in this word whole. They all keep telling me that isn't going to happen, but I know better. The very thought of soeone cutting up my perfect baby just to find answers is killing me. Th thought that I had to leave him there and not bring him home just ripped my heart out. I was so thankful that the Deacon stayed with George because I just didn't want some stranger taking my baby away.

I kept thinkg of poor Richard. He has been through so much! I kept telling him I was sorry and that I didn't ever want this sort of thing. He was such and inspiration and make me know that I must have done something right as a mother for him to be as grown up as he is. His heart is breaking as he saw his little brother in my arms, knowing he was never coming home.

They told me we could stay there as long as we wanted to but I needed to just leave. Staying there was not going to bring him back an I knew the other guys were at home and needed us too dispite the fact they don't realy understand. Life goes on with or without him in it. I needed to just get out of that atmosphere. The very thought of the police in my home takign his things and the fact I could just not stay there with my baby who was lifeless in my arms finally became to much to bear.

I went home and called work to let them know he had died and that I ws not going to be able to finish my hours for the week. I told them that I would get back to them on Monday to let them know where I was going with that. We still need money and are already behind at leas a month on the mortgage and several other bills. I had taken a few extra weeks of unpaid leave a while ago. Unfortunately, I don't have the opportunity to not work I know the bills from everthing will be expensive and I know that I do have to keep fordging forward one second at a time right now.

Nothing anything can say or do will fix this and at times it is difficult for me to sit there and just smile with tears streaming down my face as I try to keep it all together. I kept thinking back on the time I found out I found out I was pregnant with him and how I did not want to tell people because I knew they would look down on it. None of my pregnancies were truly welcomed by others with open arms. I had, in their minds, made poor choices but they just didn't know or understand my desiere for a big family. They felt that we have a genetic disorder and in many ways already have our hands full and struggle with money and that we really don't "need anymore children" There were none that were welcome with open arms and feelings of excitement by other besides Hugh and I. The way we looked at it was that our children were loved and cared for dispite the Mito issue. We know that it is a terribble disese but others who pass on genetic factors for other diseases such as diabetes, cancer, and so many other horrible things don't have less of a chance of their child getting severely ill. The very joy and endless great memories that children bring with them is why we have had children dispite the fact that we don't have a lot financially to give but we have the love and my children want for nothing. I would walk the ends of the earth to get them their needs. The richest people in the world have children and it is ok even if their kids stay with a nanny all day long.

The last ten years of my life have been nothing but struggle. One terrible thing after another has happened. I just don't konw when my break comes. I sat there in tears just thinking taht I should have known better. George was a great baby and it was all to good to be true. My life has always been filled with bad things always happening. Yes I know I have other things that I am greatful for but the huge amount of energy needed to do this all without a break is making me feel as if I just can't handle anymore. I even told Hugh that he better move on to someone else because I am just bad luck. Everything I have ever loved has left my life in some horribly tragic way.

I did go out with my sister tot he supper market to grab a few things for everyone at the house to eat. I had to just get out of there...the saddness was just so overwhelming. I feel the need to keep busy. Last night I came home by myself(even thoug my dad walked me home...who I am so greatful for) I sat in his bedroom rocking in the rocking chair holding a pair of his pajamas hat smelled like him and the several monkeys that were his. I felt the need to get up and clean his bedroom and so I started and turned on his favorite lulaby cd. Once it was clean, I sat there with the bag they gave me at the hospital with a lock of his hair, pictures of us with him, and his little foot prints. I sat on the middle of the floor just crying, knowing that he would be forever sleeping.

I guess that I will have to begin making funeral arrangements for my baby. How do you even begin to do that? I want to do it because I feel that it is my dudy as his mommy to make it beautiful. I want to fill the church with monkeys. He was my monkey! I had looked for Curious George balloons at the supermarket yesterday but I will have to go to the party store to get them. I think we are going to get only a few flow arrangements but ask that people donate to the trust fund or to send a monkey. I bought one yesterday for him and hope to have the one tiny special monkey I bought for him at Christmas time cremated with him. It was a precious moment stuffed monkey. I have always been a huge fan of precious moments andhappened to find a stuffed monkey adn I was so excited.

Every where I turn here in the house, I am reminded of him. I have started to move things into his room when I come across them. All of his baby bottles and spoons/feeding stuff has already made its way to his bedroom. I just can't open that cabinet door knowing that there will be no use for them now. I have a closet full of brand knew baby cloths I had purchased for him that still have the tags on them. He will never need them. I will never get to watch him crawl, walk, or even celebrate his first birthday. I just don't understand it all...why would God give him to me and take him away so fast?

I felt so horrible because the day before I did not sit down much and play with him. I had so many hours of work to catch up on. Hugh had to drive his mom to Atlantic City earlier in the week and I had to stop working to take care of George, who slept most of the time. So many times I wanted to go upstairs to be with my little man. It has been Hugh's birthday the day before yesterday so I had my hands full with cooking and things like that. I had gone downstairs to put my last hour in to come upstairs to find that he was put in his bed to sleep. Shortly afer he started crying and I went in and picked him up. I had brought him out and played and cuddled with him for about an hour or so before I went and laid him back down. He sat up and looked up at me crying and my heart broke to leave him in there but I knew he would not just fall asleep. I had been walking the foor with his head on my chest rubbing his beautiful blond hair. That was our special thing and time . No matter hwo much he was crying if I picked him up and cuddled him like that he would calm down and just stay tucked under my chin. My last good bye was the same thing. I sang to him and hope to have the song sung at his funeral service. Years ago I fell in love with it, the words were just so fitting...for you must become as a little child, as a little chid come unto him, for you must become as a little child and share in the kingdom of God"

I will post arrangements later. Please pray for us all and especially Hugh, he is having a very hard time. I have a broken cabinet and hole in the wall to prove it. With his father just passing, and now our beloved little boy, he needs all the slove and support he can get although he will not ask for it. I can only give so much because I myself and trying to wrap my head around it all. Thank you all in advance for your prayers.

If you would like to send a stuffed monkey or monkey stickers(we will be putting them on photo colages) for our little boys service please send it to our home address. 14 Easlick Avenue Lumberton, NJ 08048 God Bless you all.