Our wonderful baby boy George Charles passed away yesterday. We do not know what happened but my heart is beraking right now. Hugh and I just don't have the words to express our pain. His life was way to short and I would be lying it I said I dont want him back.
Yesterday was full of tons of emotions. The only way I can explain my feelings is just sheer numbness. George was my litte man and had my heart in a way that I just cant exlain. We were soul mates/kindred spirits. He could not talk or walk but he just always knew what it is that I wanted or needed. I feel like part of my soul died with my little boy yesterday.
He ran out holding his lifeless little body screaming as I flew up the steps to see with was he matter He thrust his tiny little body into my arms and I immediately started CPR. He had no pulse and was just unresponsive. Poor Hugh just does not handle emergencies well and ran around the house freaking out as I tried to get him to cal down and call 911. He was in such a panic that I had to talk to the 911 dispatcher until the cops and emergency squad came. They all worked so hard on him and took him to the hospital. His lifeless littl body sat there on the table as they tied to save his little life. I stood there in the room not being able to leave my little boys side. The look on their faces just said it all and I knew it really was a long shot. this was the one time I wish I didn't know anyhing medically.
When they finlly asked if I wanted to hold his hand, I knew it was all over. Hugh kept looking at him and holding his hand and told him to keep fighting. He just didn't realize, as I knew, that George was gone. The ER doctor put his arm around Hugh and looked at him with tears in his own eyes and said he was sorry. He had cofirmed our worst fear, that our little monkey had died. I picked him up and held him so tight just crying. So many things flooded my mind as I sat in the cold ER room where my son left me.
I sat there wondering what I had ever done in my life to deserve to loose my baby. I just couldn't save him. So many what if I had done more what if I had stayed up all night. He was still warm when we brought him in but i had known he was going to be gone. So many members of the hospital staff were just wonderful and I cannot thank them enough for their effeorts to save the love of my life.
We never had him baptized, so I asked that they baptise him for me. Iknow he is in heaven and baptizing him wasn't really going to fix that but for my own comfort I needed them to do it. My sister Michelle and thier on call chaplan was brought it. Our own deacon came in slightly after so just be with us. So many things ran through my mind and still are. I keep telling myself one step at a time. Ironically enough, it was yet another 29th of a month. Both of my grandparents passed on the 29th of a month
The hardest two moments where when detectives and the prosocutor showed up to question us. I cannot tell you how bad I wanted to scream at them and I just about passed out in the hallway as they began to ask questions and tell me it was routine proceedure. They invaded my house while I was not there and took pictures of the baby's bed and removed his blankets and things. My mom told me they weren't going to do that but I kenw in my heart they were.
When I got home I never felt more invaded and lost and angry like that ever before. His little bed was empty with a few scattered things in it. After a few hours at my mom's house with family and friends, I left on my own to spend some much needed time alone. My dad walked me home and even stayed for a while. I felt the need to clean his room, make his bed, pick it all up and make it the way it ws the day he came home from the hospital. The empty crib mattress just kept reminding me of the violated feeling from them taking his things. I sat in his rocking chair rocking and crying holding the little monkeys I had bought for him. He was my little Curious George.
I know they are going to do an autopsy dispite the fact that I don't want them to. I just don't want them to cut up my precous angel who cam in this word whole. They all keep telling me that isn't going to happen, but I know better. The very thought of soeone cutting up my perfect baby just to find answers is killing me. Th thought that I had to leave him there and not bring him home just ripped my heart out. I was so thankful that the Deacon stayed with George because I just didn't want some stranger taking my baby away.
I kept thinkg of poor Richard. He has been through so much! I kept telling him I was sorry and that I didn't ever want this sort of thing. He was such and inspiration and make me know that I must have done something right as a mother for him to be as grown up as he is. His heart is breaking as he saw his little brother in my arms, knowing he was never coming home.
They told me we could stay there as long as we wanted to but I needed to just leave. Staying there was not going to bring him back an I knew the other guys were at home and needed us too dispite the fact they don't realy understand. Life goes on with or without him in it. I needed to just get out of that atmosphere. The very thought of the police in my home takign his things and the fact I could just not stay there with my baby who was lifeless in my arms finally became to much to bear.
I went home and called work to let them know he had died and that I ws not going to be able to finish my hours for the week. I told them that I would get back to them on Monday to let them know where I was going with that. We still need money and are already behind at leas a month on the mortgage and several other bills. I had taken a few extra weeks of unpaid leave a while ago. Unfortunately, I don't have the opportunity to not work I know the bills from everthing will be expensive and I know that I do have to keep fordging forward one second at a time right now.
Nothing anything can say or do will fix this and at times it is difficult for me to sit there and just smile with tears streaming down my face as I try to keep it all together. I kept thinking back on the time I found out I found out I was pregnant with him and how I did not want to tell people because I knew they would look down on it. None of my pregnancies were truly welcomed by others with open arms. I had, in their minds, made poor choices but they just didn't know or understand my desiere for a big family. They felt that we have a genetic disorder and in many ways already have our hands full and struggle with money and that we really don't "need anymore children" There were none that were welcome with open arms and feelings of excitement by other besides Hugh and I. The way we looked at it was that our children were loved and cared for dispite the Mito issue. We know that it is a terribble disese but others who pass on genetic factors for other diseases such as diabetes, cancer, and so many other horrible things don't have less of a chance of their child getting severely ill. The very joy and endless great memories that children bring with them is why we have had children dispite the fact that we don't have a lot financially to give but we have the love and my children want for nothing. I would walk the ends of the earth to get them their needs. The richest people in the world have children and it is ok even if their kids stay with a nanny all day long.
The last ten years of my life have been nothing but struggle. One terrible thing after another has happened. I just don't konw when my break comes. I sat there in tears just thinking taht I should have known better. George was a great baby and it was all to good to be true. My life has always been filled with bad things always happening. Yes I know I have other things that I am greatful for but the huge amount of energy needed to do this all without a break is making me feel as if I just can't handle anymore. I even told Hugh that he better move on to someone else because I am just bad luck. Everything I have ever loved has left my life in some horribly tragic way.
I did go out with my sister tot he supper market to grab a few things for everyone at the house to eat. I had to just get out of there...the saddness was just so overwhelming. I feel the need to keep busy. Last night I came home by myself(even thoug my dad walked me home...who I am so greatful for) I sat in his bedroom rocking in the rocking chair holding a pair of his pajamas hat smelled like him and the several monkeys that were his. I felt the need to get up and clean his bedroom and so I started and turned on his favorite lulaby cd. Once it was clean, I sat there with the bag they gave me at the hospital with a lock of his hair, pictures of us with him, and his little foot prints. I sat on the middle of the floor just crying, knowing that he would be forever sleeping.
I guess that I will have to begin making funeral arrangements for my baby. How do you even begin to do that? I want to do it because I feel that it is my dudy as his mommy to make it beautiful. I want to fill the church with monkeys. He was my monkey! I had looked for Curious George balloons at the supermarket yesterday but I will have to go to the party store to get them. I think we are going to get only a few flow arrangements but ask that people donate to the trust fund or to send a monkey. I bought one yesterday for him and hope to have the one tiny special monkey I bought for him at Christmas time cremated with him. It was a precious moment stuffed monkey. I have always been a huge fan of precious moments andhappened to find a stuffed monkey adn I was so excited.
Every where I turn here in the house, I am reminded of him. I have started to move things into his room when I come across them. All of his baby bottles and spoons/feeding stuff has already made its way to his bedroom. I just can't open that cabinet door knowing that there will be no use for them now. I have a closet full of brand knew baby cloths I had purchased for him that still have the tags on them. He will never need them. I will never get to watch him crawl, walk, or even celebrate his first birthday. I just don't understand it all...why would God give him to me and take him away so fast?
I felt so horrible because the day before I did not sit down much and play with him. I had so many hours of work to catch up on. Hugh had to drive his mom to Atlantic City earlier in the week and I had to stop working to take care of George, who slept most of the time. So many times I wanted to go upstairs to be with my little man. It has been Hugh's birthday the day before yesterday so I had my hands full with cooking and things like that. I had gone downstairs to put my last hour in to come upstairs to find that he was put in his bed to sleep. Shortly afer he started crying and I went in and picked him up. I had brought him out and played and cuddled with him for about an hour or so before I went and laid him back down. He sat up and looked up at me crying and my heart broke to leave him in there but I knew he would not just fall asleep. I had been walking the foor with his head on my chest rubbing his beautiful blond hair. That was our special thing and time . No matter hwo much he was crying if I picked him up and cuddled him like that he would calm down and just stay tucked under my chin. My last good bye was the same thing. I sang to him and hope to have the song sung at his funeral service. Years ago I fell in love with it, the words were just so fitting...for you must become as a little child, as a little chid come unto him, for you must become as a little child and share in the kingdom of God"
I will post arrangements later. Please pray for us all and especially Hugh, he is having a very hard time. I have a broken cabinet and hole in the wall to prove it. With his father just passing, and now our beloved little boy, he needs all the slove and support he can get although he will not ask for it. I can only give so much because I myself and trying to wrap my head around it all. Thank you all in advance for your prayers.
If you would like to send a stuffed monkey or monkey stickers(we will be putting them on photo colages) for our little boys service please send it to our home address. 14 Easlick Avenue Lumberton, NJ 08048 God Bless you all.
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