My sweet little boy you would have been 5 months old today. It broke my heart because when you turned 4 months, I kept thinking how awsome it was going to be to see you crawl around...it was always one of my craziest but favorite milestones. In my mind it would have been around my birthday but God had other plans for us all. I know you were here today dispite the emptiness we feel here without you in your crib.
Poor Michael just doesn't get the fact that you are gone. He was in your room today asking for your special lavender lotion to put on his belly just like he always did if he knew someone had hte bottle. We kept finding him pulling down the bumper pad looking for you. He would ask where you were and we would tell him, in heaven. He just didn't understna it. Daddy even picked him up to show him your empty crib an he told us to go find you. We all miss you terribly but push through each day as if it is a chore right now rather then a joy. There are moemnts of joy but it is just short lived right now and we know it is ok.
It is snowing outside and we are all here in the house wishing you were with us. We felt your presence this morning. The morning was going as usual but this time there came a single beam of light in the window. It was not just light in a room but rather one of those sun beems that warms you all the way to your heart when you sit in it and enjoy the warmth that it brings. Many people have that feeling and I have decided that it is a way for our loved ones to let us know they are with us. IT doesn't happen all the time and you can see particles in the suns light. I told the little boys that it was angel dust and that you were letting us know you loved us and were here with us.
I went out to get things for the funeral. It is the hardest thing to be out shopping for your babies funeral. The whole shopping experienced is just dragge down by the thought of what it is for. So many times I find myself doing something and thinking of how it reminds me of you. Looking at babies is hard and so is going into that section of the store. It all just seems to remind me of you in some odd way. I know that a lot of this is totally normal but many times I feel like I am loosing my mind. I can't remember words, forget what I am doing, and forget where I have put things. It is crazy but I keep telling myself it is temporary.
I think I have two sides, the practical side of me an then the mommy side. I know the reality of it all and that makes me know that nothing will help to bring you back to me. The mommy part wants you so badly dispite all of the logic of it all. That is the times that you get in the if only I could have or if only I did. We know that there was nothing more we could do but we just want you so badly and have very few answers. I think it is hard to not know why dispite the fact we knew we took the best care of you ever. You were the love of our lives. I love to look at your pictures and yet it hurts to look at them. I love the momories but yet the memories hurt to know there will be no more with you in them. It is so difficult to feel torn in so many different ways.
We finally have most of the stuff for your service. I am so thankful for everyone who has been here for us. Simple things like making dinner are just difficult for me to do right now. Even when I do make something I will take one bite and not eat the rest. One day at a time, is what I keep telling myself. One step or breath at a time is sometimes what it comes down to. I find it hard to not have anxiety about things right now especially as your service gets closer.
The odd part is I am not worried about you, when I always thought I would be. I truly believe you are well taken care of and I only cry for myself because I miss you. It was kind of like when I was a little girl and I would spend the night somewhere and my parents were out. I was never worried about them or if they would return but I would have panic attacks and want them to be home or I wanted to be home. It isn't exactly the ssame but probably the best way I could explain it. I know they are coming back to get me but not exactly when and I know I will be safe anc comfortable in my home again but that all lies in the hands of someone else.
Tomorrow everyone has a snow day so I am going to try and sit down and try to actually put your photo boards together. I feel like I have to do them but have been puttint it all off. There are less adn less days before your service and still tons to do. It is going to be great and I can't wait to celebrate with you my sweet angel...You are forever in my heart!
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