The boys got their wish for a snow day and from my previous post today you can tell the morning started off with a bang! That really messed up my plans for the rest of the day though. I was planning on doing picture boards and my little monkey gifts but that all got messed up. Right now I am just so overwhelmed by so many different emotions.
I did get three picture boards done today. It was hard to do this time around, this was my baby. I missed him so much and looking at and sorting the pictures made it all to real. My heart ached as I put it together just wishing he was here with me in my arms. I think it is odd because it is like you are walking in this fog most of the day.
The funeral home called and said his urn was in. I was so excited. This had to have been the wierdest thing to be excited about. I can't wait to go pick him up, and tha sounds even odder to say. It has been as if something has been missing and I know it is him. Maybe having him here will help, I don't know but I just want to go get him.
I have been having trouble with sleeping and finally figure out why. Now that everyone is back here at the house I am waking at every sound an in a panic. This moring was the worst one yet but I realized why. It was because that is when the baby died. Hugh got up this morning and was very heavy footed and it just made my heart fall into my chest because all of the memories from that mroning came flooing over me. It was sort of like a solier off to war who comes back but keeps replaying in their mind what happened in the field.
Loosing a child is an experience like no other. I have lost many people I love or have known and even worked hospice before but this is completely different. The ups and downs are intense and you just never know when they will be. Small things can set you off crying or feeling lost. Most of the time you have things together but when it falls appart, it really falls appart. It is like a never ending roller coaster but the track is above you so you cant see what is coming.
Tomorrow starts crunch days until the service. I really hope it is beatiful. I hope I get everything done. my poor brain is in its own zip code right now doing its own thing when I am here. Being level heade is just not my strong suite right now. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight.
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