I don't know what day was harder, yesterday as I watched my baby die or today when I had to sign the papers to have him cremated and see him for the last time. My heart ached with every single passing moment. It was as if everyone else was living their lives and mine was standing still.
We got a call this morning that the coronor had authorized release of George's body to the funeral home. The funeral home asked that we get an outfit together and anything else that we wanted with him. I sat there wishing I would just wake up from this nightmare. I aimlessly walked around the house trying to figure out what outfit I was going to put him in. It just became a quest to buy him a christening outfit that I had hoped he would one day wear the the celebration of his baptism, not the outfit my son would be cremated it.
He still deserved the best and I had a duty to him as his mommy to see that he got the best. I always say that your job as a parent never ends at a certain age or timeframe, and that includes if they pass before you. My mom and aunt Cathy went with me to look for an outfit for him. We could not find one in his size and Ijust didn't know what would fit him and did not have him there with me to even try it on and I just felt so helpless. Then I found myself saying it doesn't matter if it is big because no one would know and it wouldn't fall off of him because it wasn't like he was going to be moving in it. It was such a terrible thought but I just didn't know how to rationalize it.
I kept it all together until I got to the counter to pay for it. My aunt had offered to pay for the outfit since my uncle is his godfather even though we never did have a service. The people at the counter looked at me as I walked up to the counter with tears streeming down my face. The poor girl asked me what was wrong and I told her I was buying this outfit for my son who had just died. She surely got more then she bargained for with that question as I broke down in tears sobbing. My poor aunt tried to fend it off by telling me to get out of the way and that she would handle it. I just looked at her and told her that I had to do it,I was his mommy and I owed it to him and I wanted to do it for him since it was all that I could do.
I stopped in at the party store down the street. I wanted to go in by myself and needed to. I walked up and down the isles thinking of how I would never be celebrating a birthday with my son. It hurt so bad to walk down the isle where the first birthday items were knowing that my poor baby would never see that day. I didn't know what I was looking for exactly but I knew it had to be a monkey for my little monkey. I found a few small little monkeys that I want to put together with some thank you notes for the hospital staff and police officers who were there for our family and grieved. I don't think anyone walked away without being profoundly touched by our little boy.
I bought some Curious George balloons. I also bought a bear that you could sign that was holding a picture frame so that we could put his picture in it. I am going to look online to see if I can find a monkey one but I will settle for the bear if that is all I can find. I bought some Curious George stickers and table covers for his service. It was as if I was in a daze walking in and out of those isles yet I knew I needed to do it. There were people in there getting ready for a baby shower and here I was getting ready to give my baby back to God. I hurt with every fiber of my being but I made it through the store and at least did not break down crying as I checked out.
We got home and found family and friends there that we had not seen in a while. I cannot tell you what it means for us to have people stop by. It is kind of odd to say that crying with them and telling them what happened in a way is a powerful healing tool. In some odd way it is as if we are still keeping him alive by doing this and remembering him.
I think the best part of the day was the phone call from the funeral home saying that the baby did not suffocate. I an't tell you how relieved I was to get that news. It sounds odd but lord knows I did not want Hugh or I blaming ourselves wondering if only we had done something different that he would still be here. Yes we still think if only we had checked on him sooner or if only we had not gone to sleep he would be here but truly deep inside we know that we didn't do anything. I think it is as if we feel the need to blame someone or something and it is easier to look within and take the blame.
They are still waiting on toxocology reports but feel as it it is SIDS. Anyone who knows me, know I disagree with that as a diagnosis because I KNOW George had Mito like his big brothers. I had told doctors for months that there was something wrong. I told people I knew something was wrong and everyone just kept saying he was fine. It even got to the point that I was seriously thinking I was crazy. I now know I was not crazy. Unfortunately, Mito is not detectable on an autopsy and the doctors refused to test him because he was under the age of two and "looked" fine. I know this disease is what took my little boy from me. If I was not an advocate for this before, I surely am now and I have several things that I am tossing around in my mind to make sure that George did not die in vain. He was here for a reason greater then my understnading but it has put a fire in my heart.
Richard's teacher from last year, Mr. Berman, came to my mom's house today. I cannot tell you how much this gesture meant to me. He wanted to be there for our family and especially for Tara and Richard. He brought George's first monkey for the service. I thanked him for being my son's mentor and going above and beyond what a teacher is suppose to do. He sat with Richard and played a video game with him and was just there for Richard and it just meant so much.
One of my cub scout mom's stopped by today. Colleen is a nurse and we have always had some sort of bond. She brought Richard something and bought me this beautiful keepsake box from Willow Tree that has a picture of a mom and baby. Ironically, I had bought a statue from that series for Hugh the day George died, it was two parents holding a baby that said "Our Gift"
George was truly that, our gift. His smile warmed your heart and his laugh still rings in my ears. We got a call shortly after that we could go to see him if we wanted to one last time. I of course said yes and told anyone who wanted to go could come. All I can say is nothing can ever prepare you for that moment. The only way I could explain is was as if it was a theater stage and the whole room was pitch black and there shines a spotlight on one lonely spot. That was what it was like to see my baby on a table knowing it would be that last time I could ever touch or kiss him. It was just a profound immage that will forever remain etched in my memory.
He was all dressed in his christening outfit and covered with a blanket I had bought at Christmas for his baptism. He also had the little stuffed Precious Moments monkey I had gotten him for Christmas. My god he did not look like himself...he was just not my baby, not the baby that I knew. You could see that his soul had left his body. I don't know if I wanted to rejoyce for him because I know he is in God's loving embrace or cry for my loss because the pain I feel is just unexplainable.
We took pictures of him. I needed to have something from those moments. I don't exactly know why but I am so glad that we did. My two sisters and Bill(the boys honorary grandpop) were there with us and I cannot thank them enough for walking with us. I wanted to be the last one to be with George. The two of us were kindred spirits and I just needed my time alone with him. They all left me to be with my precious angel. At first I didn't know what to do or why I even needed that time but I did. I found myself playing on last game of Pat a cake with him(kind of odd, but that was his favorite game/song). I cried, I held his hand, kissed his beautiful chubby cheeks, gave him eskimo kisses, sang Amazing Grace and Come to Him(a song that I fell in love with years ago and ironically would always sing to him as I walked the floor with his head against my chest as he just found comfort being with me), and I have him one last little mommy blessing. I always kiss my boys good night, bring my fingers to my lips, kiss my fingers, and then do the sign of the cross while saying "Father, Son, Holy Spirit" This was the very last thing I do before they fall asleep and my last moment with my angel.
George earned his wings and is the most beautiful angel in heaven right now. I just can't believe it was only 4 months here that I would have with him. Right now I am counting my blessings that I had those four months because it oculd have been shorter although I do feel robbed at times. I know how having this disease can take a turn for the very worst in just a few short moments. It was always my fear that I would loose one of them to it and I now have. I pray to God that he gives me many more years with the other boys but I know that in the end it is his will and not mine.
We have not set any arrangements in stone yet. Tomorrow Hugh and I are going to go to church. I knwo we both need it emotionally and we also have to talk to them about a service. I know that I want to put his monkeys around and I have a few things in particular that I want but we have to wait and see what is available and also wait for his ashes to be returned to us. It hurts me to even think of this whole thing.
I cannot tell you how greatful we are for all of our friends and family. Today Hugh's mom and brother Glenn and his nephews were here along with his old boss Gary and his friend Gary(yes two different people) My sisters have been so great along with my aunts, cousins, and uncles. Most of all, my mom and dad. My parents are hurting as badly as we are but they are trying to keep it together for us. My mom just lost her parents a little over a year ago and I know it is like reliving that nightmare all over again but even worse because she has to watch me suffer. I know all to well that helpless feeling as you watch your child suffer and have no control over it and how you would make it all differnt if you could.
We really need to be surrounded by other people right now. I think I just fear the day that the people will stop coming and we are left with our empty aching hearts. Tonight Hugh and I got to spend some one on one time. My mom has the boys for us and as we speak, Hugh is sound asleep next to me. We have both laughed and cried tonight. I also told him that there are going to be times where I just can't be there for him because I am hurting too. He understood that and we know that when we each have these moments we will have to rely on friends and family and we have been doing that for the past two days.
I think that the hardest part is going to be the fact that the little boys don't understand. I just started crying tonight as Josh took a look at my computer screen and there is a picture of George. He looked at me and told me that George was gone but that his picture was smiling at me. With that he shoved the computer screen towards me and told me to hug it. He then took my face as I broke down crying and shoved it up at the celing and told me to look up there because he was right there in heaven and that he was smiling in heaven(none of this came prompted, it all came from his little head and heart). Icannot tell you how torn my emotions were right then and there. I wanted to cry and was so proud of him and then just plain old overwhelmed.
I have such wonderful boys and a wonderful husb and family. Our hearts are breaking. we know that the wounds will heal but it will never be the same. It is kind of like how you break a glass but even if it all gets put back together, it just isn't ever the same. Thank you for the prayers and please keep them coming as we try to find a way to live life with part of our souls missing.
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