Today has been a rough day. They took the baby to the crematorium and we had to go pick up his remains, his death certificate, and the molds of his hands and feet. My heart has just felt so broken today and I just have not been able to concentrate on much. There are so many things I have to do but I just can't seem to get it together enough to do them. It just seems so overwhelming at times.
I did go to Josh's school today to work on Michael's registration. They had told me that they could postpone it but I really saw no point in it. I would have to do it anyway and then it would make me remember why I had to cancle it if I had to make it up. The staff was so shocked by me being there. I felt so bad for Joshua's teacher. She was so upset and in tears as we spoke about it all. They have all needed to speak with the guidance counselor to not only help themselves but also Joshua. He was rolling playdough and looked up and just said to his teacher " Baby George died" and it just took her back. I spoke with several members of the staff who were just so shocked and moved by everything.
Two of the staff members stopped by my mother's house since they had known her years ago when I was in school. One was the principal and she said to me that she was glad I had come. She said that she felt the way that I was handling it made it easier for the others to find strength and solice in the entire situation. They all have children and just all hurt so badly for our family. She said in a way I had helped them to heal and cope better with it all but that it has surely taken it's toll. It was just so personal since they had all watched me grow up and Joshua was in the shcool and they really understood now what I meant when I said they could be here one day and not the next.
I have felt like I have been in much of a daze the majority of the day. Friends of ours stopped by and brought pizza and are going to help Hugh with his project to make a section of the yard a place for George. His friend is going to be getting a maple tree and they will plant it with some of Geoge's ashes so that we can watch it grow! It was such a great idea and we were so greatful for their support and love. They have always been so good to us and there whenever we have needed them.
I did finally get the pictures sent to Costco so I can pick them up tomorrow and begin work on the picture boards. There is just so much to do and I just don't have it in me to do it all. Tonight I was so overwhelmed that I asked my brother in law to handle the music end of it and to coordinate it with the church because I just was feeling so overwhelmed after out trip to the funeral home. Trying to make decisions just seems so impossible right now. I can express to others what I want, I just can't seem to do it and there is just to much that I feel the need to deligate responsibility.
We picked up a portion of the babies remains today for the service on saturday. They will be placed in our churches memorial garden. The rest of them will be placed in a necklace that we got for Hugh and I and also a small box urn. It was so sureal to be sitting there picking out an urn for the baby knowing the only thing that remained from him was these ashes. The thought of it has just been so hard for me and just makes every part of my body ache and feel as if it has had a major loss. I think the other hard part was getting the death certificates handed to me when only a few days ago I got his birth certificate in the mail.
We did choose an urn that was very simple. It was like a base piece where we could put things on it. His name will be engraved along with his birth and death dates. It is flat so we can put a toy or something on top of it. We can even change it out with the seasons so I really liked that. Ihad made a shelf for him when I was pregnant that had his name and monkeys on it. We plan on putting the shelf over our wedding picture with his ashes and some of his things.
I am so greatful for the woman at the funeral home. She is so wonderful and helpful! I told her that I just didn't know what to do or where to look because the urns and items on the internet were just so overwhelming. She had initially suggested it to save on the money but at this point, I would sell my house to give this baby the service he deserves. It was so much easier when she handed me a book and I looked through it. Both Hugh and I came across what we were looking for. My older sister went with us and I thank God every day for my family because they have held us up through all of this when we have fallen down.
The baby's obituary will be in the newspaper tomorrow. I am so dreading the morning knowing that it will be there. I just want to cry knowing this is the black and white finality of it all. Writing it was hard enough. It is beautiful though since I have scene it already. The funeral home has it posted on their web page http://koschekandporterfuneralhome.com/obituary_view/71139 You are welcome to look at it and they have a place where you can click on a little candle to leave messages. My baby was so beautiful and the picture just showed his true personality. I cannot thank them all enough for everything they have done for us, God truly sent us to the right people.
Well, I am off to try and sleep. It has been so hard for me to sleep and eat lately. Everytime I sleep my mind keeps racing and everytime I eat, I want to throw up. So many people have been so kind to drop off food. I am so greatful for it because I know I have no desire to cook and don't think I will wnat to for sometime now. I have had trouble completing words and thinking at times because of the fog my head is in. I've gotten short with people and feel so terrible and yet I just don't have it in me to appologize. I have never been this lost in my life but so greatful I am grounded in my faith. Tomorrow is another day, I hope it gets better.I am taking it one breath at a time right now as God carries me through this whole thing.
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