My sweet angel I miss you so much. Today has been full of many ups an downs. I think the road ahead will just be full of these things. We have finally all made our way back to the house to find our new "normal". It was kind of hard on all of us but a step we needed to make. I woke to find Richard staring at a picture of George on our refridgerator. He looked up and I asked him if he missed him and just hugged him. In turn, he cried and then pulled himself together. We talked about all sorts of things and the good memories but mostly about how lucky George was. George knew nothing put sheer love and happiness. It was one of those moments where I think it really helped him out. I tol him that George would never know what it was like to be made fun of or worry about bills or trial things that we all do eveyr day. He had such an awsome gift to only know unconitional love and pure happiness.
Richard went to school with George's picture in his pocket. I am going to be finding a way to help each of the boys still have a little bit of their brother. I'm going to get a iron on transfer for the printer and print his picture on it so we can put it on a stuffed animal. It will still give them a way to hold him and work through their own grief. They all miss him terribly. Michael looke up at me toay as we were playing and told me he missed Goerge.
Hugh needed to get out today and we went to Wendy's for lunch with Michael since the other kids were at shcool and I just don't have it in me to cook. It is so ironic how you can be fine one miniute and not hte next. The smell of the bake potato that I got just made me want to cry. I would eat them all the time when I was pregnant with him. It was such an odd things.
I could find myself and Hugh randomly phasing in and out of thought. I have to say at times there was nothing in particular that I was thinking about but found myself zoning out. The days are just flying by and time seems to escape me without me even reallizing it.
My friend from Germany called this morning at around 5:30am. It was hard to talk to her. She was so upset and cried as I answered the phone. All she kept telling me was that she din't know what to say. I told her there was nothing she could say and that it was fine. She has always been a great friend even though we don't talk all the time and only see each other on ocassion.
I think the one thing with all of this is that we have learned who our true friends are in all of this. It was quite shocking in many ways to see who stands behind you and undrstnans that grief just comes in many ways and we are learning to deal with it in our own way. There are others who just don't get it and make the whole thing worse dispite the fact they may feel they are doing us a favor. It is such an akward thing to be going through all of this at one time and just wish that you really didn't have to deal with any of it all.
We have looked at pictures and laughed and cried. Josh plays peek a boo with George's picture. He was even drawing a picture and told my mom to cover George's eyes(a picture of him was on the table) and then said ok. My mom took her hand off the frame and Josh held up a picture for George to see! He wanted to surprise him and said tada with such pride as she showed his brother the picture he drew. I think it is so awsome that he can do this.
Tomorrow I have to try an get some running around done before the snow again on Wednesday. I really just want a ay in bed with nohing to do and no interruptions. It would be nice for Hugh and I to get away for a little while or boy could I use a day away at a spa or something...I can dream can't I? I will settle for a few peaceful moments to myself where I can look at pictures of my little man and know he is in a better place. It is just that smile that captures my heart every single time!
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