Today has been a rough day for me. I woke up with a huge anxiety attack yet again. It is sort of like post tramatic stress dissorer. You wake up and relive that day all over again. It is such a terrible thing to have to constantly relive. I've been to the docs but of course shy of meds there is nothing they can do. We start grief counseling next Wednesday night. I know it is normal to feel like this but I just hate it.
I don't know what normal is anymore and I miss him terribly. My heart aches for him. We picked up his urn today from the funeral home. I thought that maybe having him here would make it better but I don't think it did. In a way it did but in a way it was a hard realization that my baby's life is over and I can now only hold a marble box rather then my beautiful boy.
Joshua walked up to it and kissed it very gently and said "I love you brother and I miss you." I just wanted to cry as I sat there watching him do this. Just two weeks ago he was able to do that to George's cheeks. I thought as the days went on it would get better but it really isn't at this point. I know I am at a standstill with it all until his service on Saturday.
After Saturday, we are going to have to find a new normal. I don't know how to do that. You can't go back to the way it use to be an you can't go forward the way that use to be. It is so confusing and all I want is my little boy back and wonder why this happens. I know that God has a plan but sometimes I just really wonder what it is he is thinking. Do I get a break from bad things happening to me? How much more can I really handle?
Idid talk to a lady from the NJ SIDS foundation. They sent me a packet a few days ago that I just have not had the time or even energy to read. There is just so much to do and stuff keeps going wrong making it all that much more complicate. She was very nice and apparently they got my name and info from someone at the hospital. They will be calling me weekly and have a lot of resources. Once the autopsy report is done I can request a copy of it. She offered to read through it with me since it is very graffic.
I told her that I read charts for a living and that i know what they look like and how grafic they are. It isn't going to be a good day when I get it. I was so mad that they even did one because THEY needed to knwo what he died from. It may sound stupid but I felt like I brought him into the world whole I didn't want them to cut him open and then he have to leave the world that way. I know they do on an autopsy an I didn't want that to happen to my baby but I had no say.
Anyway, tomorrow we have to get the church ready for his service. I am waiting to hear back to see if we can get in around 2pm to start setting up because I don't know if there are many people that can come to help. I am hoping for a better mental health day tomorrow an that things go smoothly.
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