Sunday, January 31, 2010

I am loosing track of days and time right now. The days seem to fly by and yet stand still at the same time. Tonight I am home by myself getting some much needed alone time to grieve and be alone with my thoughts and feelings. The next week will be filled with planning the baby's service and I need to get myself prepared for the road that lies ahead.

This morning Hugh and I both went to church and throughout the day found God's comfort come to us in many forms. Hugh had a dream of our little man crying and in the dream he went to him and picked him up and he stopped crying and was smiling that beautiful smile of his. He awoke when he noticed I had gotten out of bed from his wonderful dream. The clock made him realize that he needed to get up and moving so we could get to church. He put his pants on and felt something in his pocket. Out of curiosity he reached in and pulled out the item and then broke down in tears. He had pulled out the velcro tale from George's monkey halloween costume.

I came down stairs to find him in tears and asked what had happened and he told me and then swore that he did not wear those pants on Halloween! I looked at the pictures and he was right. We have no idea how in the world it got there but I know it was George's way of letting his daddy know that he was there. I truly felt so greatful for that moment.

We went to church and found so much support by everyone there. Many people hugged us and cried with us and for us. We got something to eat before heading to the craft store. Someone had posted here about getting a mold of the babies hand and foot. We had called the funeral home early this morning to make sure he was still there and asked them to do the mold for us and they told me whatever I wanted they would do. We had to get the kit and had to run it to them but we will have a beautiful way to remember out little boy.

While there, we opted to pick up some boards and decorations to make photo boards to share with everything. Hugh ached at every turn of an isle and it was etched all over his face. I wanted to look to see if they still had the little wooden monkies that I used to make George's shelf. I wanted to give them out to people who attend. THe only had 3 on the shelf so I went to ask if they could order them. They looked at me oddly when I told them I wanted 50 of them. I explained why and the people there are trying their best to get them for me and as they called around they would update me on what was going on while I was shopping for the rest of the things I needed. They are ordering them so I hope they can get them in time.

We began to think of his service and what we wanted. Deacon Smythe was coming to the house after a meeting at the church to do this. I really didn't know where to begin but by the end of it all, I truly knew it was not only us planning the service but also my grandparents. I was looking for readings and was not familiar with the list of "typical funeral" readings. One had struck a cord with me just because it came from Job. I always draw strenth from the book of Job in times like these. We didn't have a bible with us since we forgot it but we asked my mom if she had one. She gave us two so we could decide. I opened to the page and found very distinct markings at the very section referenced. I just about died when I found out it was my grandmother's bible. She was there guiding us through planning his service and I just knew at that very moment that God was carrying me through all of this...I live by Footprints in the Sand.

The service is now officially planned at our church, St. Martin in the Fields here in Lumberton for Saturday February 6th,2010. Calling hours will start at noon and end at 2pm when we will hold his celebration of life service. People have been dropping of monkey's and I can't tell you how excited I am to see them at the church ready for the service! My monkey is going to love it. I am still working on the music since I want that to be very special since music is what brought Hugh and I together and George LOVED music!

I had posted that I felt very sad about all the milestones in his life that I will miss. Today I found a way to do that and also make his service super special. We are going to decorate each table for the reception following the service with a theme. We will have a birthday table, Christmas, Halloween, prom, wedding, and so on and so forth. It is going to be one huge celebration of his life and all those life milestones. The idea was just perfect and I can thank my sister Tara for helping me find a way to make this a special day.

Hugh's sister and her husband stopped in today and I was so greatful for that. I think he really needed that. They stayed for a while and then were going to check on Hugh's mom. That was a blessing also because she has been taking it hard too.

Ken, the boys pediatrian also came by. He is hurting so bad right now, please pray for him. I know him well enough to know what he is thinking and how terrible he feels. He feels so lost and never wanted to see us go through this. We were so happy to see him and glad we could all grieve together. He didn't know George as well as he did the other boys but I know he saw his own son Rhys in George. This past summer he worked hard on the playouse and became such a part of our family. He has become like a second father to Hugh and I and is probably the one person that truly understands me like no other. His words of wisdom and help have never gone unnoticed or unappreciated and he knows that. We were so happy to be able to be there for him and cry and laugh together because I think we all needed it so badly. Ken I love you!

My sister Tara and I sat down and wrote the babies obituary. I have to send it to the funeral home tomorrow to have it put in the paper. We want anyone who feels the need or desire to come feel free to come. George was not only our gift, but a gift to the world. So many people have been touched by our little monkey that we want them to celebrate his life with us.

I also have really come to make peace with God. I don't want to be angry because we cannot change what has happened and God has bigger plans for us and that is why we are here. He wanted to hold George and wanted him in heaven because he was that wonderful of a child...who wouldn't want him. I also feel so blessed to have been chosen to be his mommy. I thank God for allowing me the time I had with him. He could have chosen to take my little man sooner so I am greatful for 4 months of wonderful!

I have a lot to do in order to have everything ready for Saturday. It is helping to keep me busy and I am greatful for that. I'm trying to find a way to get things so taht they are the way I want. It is like I feel the need to give my baby everything I can that day. It makes me feel as if I have done right by him and was the best mommy I could be to him and that he gave me so much that I need to give it back to him. It sounds odd, I know. He just loved me so much and gave me so much and he deserves the best!

I'm hoping to get some rest tonight because the few hours of sleep I have gotten are truly wearing on me. I really need this time to be by myself and collect my thoughts tonight. Hugh is grieving in his own way by staying around the boys. I'm sure part of him feels as if he needs to protect them. he is so terrified to leave them alone now. It is going to take him a long time and even then, I don't know if that will every change for him. It is good that hey are there and can console him becuase right now I just cannot carry this for the two of us and the children and somehow come out in the end all in tact. I need to really get myself together before the marathon of funeral plans ahead of me.

It is a very odd feeling to feel as if your world has stopped. you wonder if the stranger walking by knows the hell you are living. Peopel come and go all day but they get to leave that hell we are staying in. I know that having all the visitors is hard sometimes but as I told my mom, I need that right now during the day but need my time at night...I just don't know why. I think we are going to be going through many things like this over the next few days, weeks, or years.

The past few days have finally taken their toll on me so I am heading off to try and get some sleep. Please keep us all in your prayers and thank you all for words of kindness. We appreciate everyone's caring thoughts.