Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Random Act of Kindness
As I posted yesterday, we want to have as many people as we can participate in completing a random act of kindness in George's memory/honor. I now have cards/templates for anyone who wants to participate. Please let me know ASAP if you are interested so I can get you whatever you need to be ready for his special day!
garman_family@yahoo.com is where you can email requests.
Please pass along this information to anyone who would be willing to honor our little monkey in this way! Don't forget to stop back here on his birthday and write in the comment section for the day what you did for someone else in his honor. There is also a guestbook to the right of this section where you can leave notes and what you have chosen to do in his memory.
garman_family@yahoo.com is where you can email requests.
Please pass along this information to anyone who would be willing to honor our little monkey in this way! Don't forget to stop back here on his birthday and write in the comment section for the day what you did for someone else in his honor. There is also a guestbook to the right of this section where you can leave notes and what you have chosen to do in his memory.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Change of Heart
As you know, if you follow my blog, I have been having a very hard time. Last night was no different and I have found from others that I am not the only person having some trouble lately. Joshua broke down in tears last night saying he missed Georgie. He has been acting up a lot lately and I think this was just the last straw for him. Watching him suffer like that just rips my heart apart because there is nothing I can do to take away that pain. Sometimes I think that times like those are the ones that make this all so much more difficult. My dad sat next to my mom, who was holding Joshua as he sobbed, and wiped tears from his eyes as he watched things unfold before him. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room as we all just ached over the loss of such a little boy who changed all of our lives.
Gabrielle has been having her own set of issues lately but last night she really freaked me out. She acted a lot like George did the night before he died. I remember vividly telling Hugh that if he continued what he was doing in the morning I was going to take him to the doctors. My instinct was right last night just as it was the day before George died, Gabrielle had an ear infection just like her big brother did. I did not sleep much at all last night and felt my heart racing as I sat there watching her sleep until I decided it would be better if I just went upstairs to try and sleep. As I sat there with my heart racing, I just kept asking God to help me and to give purpose to all of this and to help me know that all of this is for some greater purpose.
This morning I got up and started to read some more of the book "Glimpses of Heaven" that I have been reading. There are short stories about people that this hospice nurse cared for and how she helped walk them home to God. Much of the things she wrote about I had been familiar with having been a home health aide before and working with the elderly. Suddenly, I sat there thinking of all the kids and families that are walking the path of hospice care knowing that their time is limited. It then came to me that I wanted to do something along those lines to honor my son's memory and help someone else who will someday know my pain. With that, I got up and began researching local hospice facilities and came across Samaritan Hospice and emailed them about volunteering. Wednesday they happen to be having their monthly meeting for volunteers and invited me to join it to see if it was something I really wanted to do. I know that this is what I am suppose to be doing. If I volunteer, I can choose how much I alot to this and it will help me to get out of the house and work with others in a very difficult and vulnerable part of their life.
I had felt the need to do something for quite some time now and had looked into going into ministry/social work/nursing. The biggest obstacle would be the cost to begin with and then our now horrible credit rating would not even allow me to borrow money. Yes there are grants and scholarships out there but they don't cover the cost of everything. I had been torn in all sorts of directions until today when I realized I don't need a piece of paper to make a difference in others lives and that I was ok volunteering since I really believe that this is God's calling to me. Eventually this sort of thing could lead to work once the kids are older but for now it gives me experience and allows me the opportunity to still tend to the kids needs. I'm actually quite excited to find out what is entailed and to see if this is really where I am suppose to be.
Death scared me as a kid and I think it was mainly because of my mom's fear of it all along with hospitals. Once I was old enough and started to work in the medical field, I found something special inside of myself. God has blessed me with this wonderful understanding of the needs of others and the perception of death as a blessing and not a burden. We are all called home when God has taught us all we need to learn here. I'm respectful of other people's beliefs yet should they ask I will gladly share my own thoughts. Having now personally suffered the greatest loss of all, I now have an even greater respect and understanding of death than ever before and now feel this deep seeded need to help others where this is concerned. There has got to be a purpose to this all!
I was riding in the car to take Gabby to her appointment when this minister came on the radio speaking about life trials. He said that so often we ask God why me? It is not often that we ever say God what can I learn from this and what is your plan for all of this? We cannot change the bad stuff and rather than wallowing in your own sorrow that you need to realize that God uses all things to teach us something or to put us where he wants us. I always get so tired of all the changes in our lives and the horribly difficult obstacles but it finally hit me. God wants to constantly help us to evolve as people. He doesn't just plant a seed for the fun of it, he wants to watch it grow and change and blossom into the individuals he has created us to be. There needs to be both rain and sunshine in order for that to all happen. Just because I have chosen to follow God's calling doesn't mean that I won't suffer and have obstacles along the way. It does however mean he is there to walk with me and show me the beauty in all, including the trials. If I keep asking why me rather than what do you want me to learn, I will be far from where God wants me to be and not mature into that beautiful flower he created me to be.
Right now I am going to honor my son's memory and keep him in my heart but also take this whole thing as a lesson in life and follow God's calling to grow. I have decided that on his birthday I am going to ask people to do random acts of kindness. What I want to do is print up little cards, like business ones, that people can give to someone without having to speak a word to say that they did this act of kindness in honor of our little monkey. If you would like to participate please feel free to contact me via email or phone and I will gladly email you one or put them in the regular mail. I figure if I start doing this now that maybe by the time his birthday comes around everyone we know will be ready to make that a special day and change the world in memory of our little boy. I cannot think of a better way to celebrate his life and all that he meant to so many people.
Thank you all for all the prayers because they have been slowly working and God is working in me and my family every single day. Every prayer is a blessing bringing us closer to God and his calling for us in this Earthly life.
Gabrielle has been having her own set of issues lately but last night she really freaked me out. She acted a lot like George did the night before he died. I remember vividly telling Hugh that if he continued what he was doing in the morning I was going to take him to the doctors. My instinct was right last night just as it was the day before George died, Gabrielle had an ear infection just like her big brother did. I did not sleep much at all last night and felt my heart racing as I sat there watching her sleep until I decided it would be better if I just went upstairs to try and sleep. As I sat there with my heart racing, I just kept asking God to help me and to give purpose to all of this and to help me know that all of this is for some greater purpose.
This morning I got up and started to read some more of the book "Glimpses of Heaven" that I have been reading. There are short stories about people that this hospice nurse cared for and how she helped walk them home to God. Much of the things she wrote about I had been familiar with having been a home health aide before and working with the elderly. Suddenly, I sat there thinking of all the kids and families that are walking the path of hospice care knowing that their time is limited. It then came to me that I wanted to do something along those lines to honor my son's memory and help someone else who will someday know my pain. With that, I got up and began researching local hospice facilities and came across Samaritan Hospice and emailed them about volunteering. Wednesday they happen to be having their monthly meeting for volunteers and invited me to join it to see if it was something I really wanted to do. I know that this is what I am suppose to be doing. If I volunteer, I can choose how much I alot to this and it will help me to get out of the house and work with others in a very difficult and vulnerable part of their life.
I had felt the need to do something for quite some time now and had looked into going into ministry/social work/nursing. The biggest obstacle would be the cost to begin with and then our now horrible credit rating would not even allow me to borrow money. Yes there are grants and scholarships out there but they don't cover the cost of everything. I had been torn in all sorts of directions until today when I realized I don't need a piece of paper to make a difference in others lives and that I was ok volunteering since I really believe that this is God's calling to me. Eventually this sort of thing could lead to work once the kids are older but for now it gives me experience and allows me the opportunity to still tend to the kids needs. I'm actually quite excited to find out what is entailed and to see if this is really where I am suppose to be.
Death scared me as a kid and I think it was mainly because of my mom's fear of it all along with hospitals. Once I was old enough and started to work in the medical field, I found something special inside of myself. God has blessed me with this wonderful understanding of the needs of others and the perception of death as a blessing and not a burden. We are all called home when God has taught us all we need to learn here. I'm respectful of other people's beliefs yet should they ask I will gladly share my own thoughts. Having now personally suffered the greatest loss of all, I now have an even greater respect and understanding of death than ever before and now feel this deep seeded need to help others where this is concerned. There has got to be a purpose to this all!
I was riding in the car to take Gabby to her appointment when this minister came on the radio speaking about life trials. He said that so often we ask God why me? It is not often that we ever say God what can I learn from this and what is your plan for all of this? We cannot change the bad stuff and rather than wallowing in your own sorrow that you need to realize that God uses all things to teach us something or to put us where he wants us. I always get so tired of all the changes in our lives and the horribly difficult obstacles but it finally hit me. God wants to constantly help us to evolve as people. He doesn't just plant a seed for the fun of it, he wants to watch it grow and change and blossom into the individuals he has created us to be. There needs to be both rain and sunshine in order for that to all happen. Just because I have chosen to follow God's calling doesn't mean that I won't suffer and have obstacles along the way. It does however mean he is there to walk with me and show me the beauty in all, including the trials. If I keep asking why me rather than what do you want me to learn, I will be far from where God wants me to be and not mature into that beautiful flower he created me to be.
Right now I am going to honor my son's memory and keep him in my heart but also take this whole thing as a lesson in life and follow God's calling to grow. I have decided that on his birthday I am going to ask people to do random acts of kindness. What I want to do is print up little cards, like business ones, that people can give to someone without having to speak a word to say that they did this act of kindness in honor of our little monkey. If you would like to participate please feel free to contact me via email or phone and I will gladly email you one or put them in the regular mail. I figure if I start doing this now that maybe by the time his birthday comes around everyone we know will be ready to make that a special day and change the world in memory of our little boy. I cannot think of a better way to celebrate his life and all that he meant to so many people.
Thank you all for all the prayers because they have been slowly working and God is working in me and my family every single day. Every prayer is a blessing bringing us closer to God and his calling for us in this Earthly life.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
A Heart Full of Pain
I have felt as if my heart has just been full of pain. Something changed today when I realized it was all the love that is flowing over in my heart that I cannot give directly to my little monkey. If I had not loved him the way that I do than it would not hurt like this. There is no way I would not have given him any less love just to not feel so horrible. He knew unconditional love like no other and for that I am so grateful. I wish I had been there to walk him to heaven but God just did not have that planned and probably spared us something even greater.
There has just been this horrible funk that I have been in and for the life of me I could not really understand why. It came to me today what it really is all about. A friend of mine was pregnant at the same time that I was with her son and she had him one month before George. I see his pictures and I am happy for her but so sad when I see what my son would be doing if he was still alive. Today this little guy celebrated his second birthday and I realized that all I have been feeling is because I know George's birthday is coming up.
My son should be blowing out two candles on his cake but he never even got a chance to try it once. Last year we were so busy with all the fundraising stuff it didn't hit me until we were singing Happy Birthday to him without him there. Singing just tore my heart apart in a way I was just so unprepared for and I almost lost it in front of all the people there. This year, we have nothing big planned and the sadness leading up to it is just so great.
To add to it, my niece will celebrate her 1st birthday and it will be the same weekend we would be doing George's if he was here. I love this little girl with all my heart, as I know how precious she is and in some ways she makes me feel close to George and her big brother Gavin who I love with all my heart too. Watching her grow up this past year gave me a glimpse into what would have been had George lived and it was full of such bitter sweet moments. The hardest of these is yet to come and that is the birthday I never got to plan for him. It is going to be one of those bitter sweet moments as I am happy for her and sad for my son.
George's birth has just been running through my mind a lot lately. He is the only child of ours that we actually have a video tape of his birth and a picture in the OR of Hugh and I with him. I knew he was going to make his mark on the world just because of the dates he was born 09/09/09. I would always joke how being 4 boys in, he just wanted to make sure that we never forgot his birthday! That very thought now just brings such sadness, I had so many hopes and dreams for him that he never got to do. Birthdays for my kids have always been special to me and I always wanted to make sure that they were special for the kids, especially after the boys were diagnosed with Mito and I never know if this will be their last birthday that they will celebrate. It just saddens me that George didn't get to even celebrate one.
I have also had quite a few panic attacks lately. Thinking of George always comes with the nightmares of the day he died. For the rest of my life his name and thoughts of him will always be associated with the horrors we lived that day. These thoughts are so hard to not have. It doesn't even have to be a panic attack regarding him but it could be me worrying about something bad happening to the kids or even Hugh. A panic sounding voice or even laughter that can be taken as the sound of crying will just trigger something in brain that starts down that road and I have got to make sure whoever I am worrying about is ok by checking on them. Last night for some reason I kept thinking I was hearing this beeping noise. I tried to talk myself down out of the attack but had to go and check on Gabrielle just to make sure that it wasn't her monitor going off. In reality there was not even a noise anywhere in the house and I have no idea what I was hearing but it woke me at 2am.
Simple things like parenting are difficult to do right now also. It is such a feeling of pure exhaustion coping with all the emotions that I have rolling around in my head and doing the day to day things. Loosing the house of course adds quite a bit of stress and its own set of emotions to my plate. I am sure that all of this is hard for the kids too and we have seen them with their own set of melt downs and all sorts of behavior that is not usual for them. There is all sorts of adjustments going on as we all try and figure out how to live with my parents again along with all the other obstacles that we face on a daily basis. So many days it seems as if one more thing will make the glass overflow and I tend to just need to be alone in order to be able to survive. Keeping up the strong front all the time and having to deal with all the other stuff just creates so many feelings and puts this pain in my heart that I cannot explain. Right now God is carrying me every single step of the way as I try to just survive the life we have been handed. Please keep praying for us as we walk this path and difficult time right now.
There has just been this horrible funk that I have been in and for the life of me I could not really understand why. It came to me today what it really is all about. A friend of mine was pregnant at the same time that I was with her son and she had him one month before George. I see his pictures and I am happy for her but so sad when I see what my son would be doing if he was still alive. Today this little guy celebrated his second birthday and I realized that all I have been feeling is because I know George's birthday is coming up.
My son should be blowing out two candles on his cake but he never even got a chance to try it once. Last year we were so busy with all the fundraising stuff it didn't hit me until we were singing Happy Birthday to him without him there. Singing just tore my heart apart in a way I was just so unprepared for and I almost lost it in front of all the people there. This year, we have nothing big planned and the sadness leading up to it is just so great.
To add to it, my niece will celebrate her 1st birthday and it will be the same weekend we would be doing George's if he was here. I love this little girl with all my heart, as I know how precious she is and in some ways she makes me feel close to George and her big brother Gavin who I love with all my heart too. Watching her grow up this past year gave me a glimpse into what would have been had George lived and it was full of such bitter sweet moments. The hardest of these is yet to come and that is the birthday I never got to plan for him. It is going to be one of those bitter sweet moments as I am happy for her and sad for my son.
George's birth has just been running through my mind a lot lately. He is the only child of ours that we actually have a video tape of his birth and a picture in the OR of Hugh and I with him. I knew he was going to make his mark on the world just because of the dates he was born 09/09/09. I would always joke how being 4 boys in, he just wanted to make sure that we never forgot his birthday! That very thought now just brings such sadness, I had so many hopes and dreams for him that he never got to do. Birthdays for my kids have always been special to me and I always wanted to make sure that they were special for the kids, especially after the boys were diagnosed with Mito and I never know if this will be their last birthday that they will celebrate. It just saddens me that George didn't get to even celebrate one.
I have also had quite a few panic attacks lately. Thinking of George always comes with the nightmares of the day he died. For the rest of my life his name and thoughts of him will always be associated with the horrors we lived that day. These thoughts are so hard to not have. It doesn't even have to be a panic attack regarding him but it could be me worrying about something bad happening to the kids or even Hugh. A panic sounding voice or even laughter that can be taken as the sound of crying will just trigger something in brain that starts down that road and I have got to make sure whoever I am worrying about is ok by checking on them. Last night for some reason I kept thinking I was hearing this beeping noise. I tried to talk myself down out of the attack but had to go and check on Gabrielle just to make sure that it wasn't her monitor going off. In reality there was not even a noise anywhere in the house and I have no idea what I was hearing but it woke me at 2am.
Simple things like parenting are difficult to do right now also. It is such a feeling of pure exhaustion coping with all the emotions that I have rolling around in my head and doing the day to day things. Loosing the house of course adds quite a bit of stress and its own set of emotions to my plate. I am sure that all of this is hard for the kids too and we have seen them with their own set of melt downs and all sorts of behavior that is not usual for them. There is all sorts of adjustments going on as we all try and figure out how to live with my parents again along with all the other obstacles that we face on a daily basis. So many days it seems as if one more thing will make the glass overflow and I tend to just need to be alone in order to be able to survive. Keeping up the strong front all the time and having to deal with all the other stuff just creates so many feelings and puts this pain in my heart that I cannot explain. Right now God is carrying me every single step of the way as I try to just survive the life we have been handed. Please keep praying for us as we walk this path and difficult time right now.
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
