As you know, if you follow my blog, I have been having a very hard time. Last night was no different and I have found from others that I am not the only person having some trouble lately. Joshua broke down in tears last night saying he missed Georgie. He has been acting up a lot lately and I think this was just the last straw for him. Watching him suffer like that just rips my heart apart because there is nothing I can do to take away that pain. Sometimes I think that times like those are the ones that make this all so much more difficult. My dad sat next to my mom, who was holding Joshua as he sobbed, and wiped tears from his eyes as he watched things unfold before him. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room as we all just ached over the loss of such a little boy who changed all of our lives.
Gabrielle has been having her own set of issues lately but last night she really freaked me out. She acted a lot like George did the night before he died. I remember vividly telling Hugh that if he continued what he was doing in the morning I was going to take him to the doctors. My instinct was right last night just as it was the day before George died, Gabrielle had an ear infection just like her big brother did. I did not sleep much at all last night and felt my heart racing as I sat there watching her sleep until I decided it would be better if I just went upstairs to try and sleep. As I sat there with my heart racing, I just kept asking God to help me and to give purpose to all of this and to help me know that all of this is for some greater purpose.
This morning I got up and started to read some more of the book "Glimpses of Heaven" that I have been reading. There are short stories about people that this hospice nurse cared for and how she helped walk them home to God. Much of the things she wrote about I had been familiar with having been a home health aide before and working with the elderly. Suddenly, I sat there thinking of all the kids and families that are walking the path of hospice care knowing that their time is limited. It then came to me that I wanted to do something along those lines to honor my son's memory and help someone else who will someday know my pain. With that, I got up and began researching local hospice facilities and came across Samaritan Hospice and emailed them about volunteering. Wednesday they happen to be having their monthly meeting for volunteers and invited me to join it to see if it was something I really wanted to do. I know that this is what I am suppose to be doing. If I volunteer, I can choose how much I alot to this and it will help me to get out of the house and work with others in a very difficult and vulnerable part of their life.
I had felt the need to do something for quite some time now and had looked into going into ministry/social work/nursing. The biggest obstacle would be the cost to begin with and then our now horrible credit rating would not even allow me to borrow money. Yes there are grants and scholarships out there but they don't cover the cost of everything. I had been torn in all sorts of directions until today when I realized I don't need a piece of paper to make a difference in others lives and that I was ok volunteering since I really believe that this is God's calling to me. Eventually this sort of thing could lead to work once the kids are older but for now it gives me experience and allows me the opportunity to still tend to the kids needs. I'm actually quite excited to find out what is entailed and to see if this is really where I am suppose to be.
Death scared me as a kid and I think it was mainly because of my mom's fear of it all along with hospitals. Once I was old enough and started to work in the medical field, I found something special inside of myself. God has blessed me with this wonderful understanding of the needs of others and the perception of death as a blessing and not a burden. We are all called home when God has taught us all we need to learn here. I'm respectful of other people's beliefs yet should they ask I will gladly share my own thoughts. Having now personally suffered the greatest loss of all, I now have an even greater respect and understanding of death than ever before and now feel this deep seeded need to help others where this is concerned. There has got to be a purpose to this all!
I was riding in the car to take Gabby to her appointment when this minister came on the radio speaking about life trials. He said that so often we ask God why me? It is not often that we ever say God what can I learn from this and what is your plan for all of this? We cannot change the bad stuff and rather than wallowing in your own sorrow that you need to realize that God uses all things to teach us something or to put us where he wants us. I always get so tired of all the changes in our lives and the horribly difficult obstacles but it finally hit me. God wants to constantly help us to evolve as people. He doesn't just plant a seed for the fun of it, he wants to watch it grow and change and blossom into the individuals he has created us to be. There needs to be both rain and sunshine in order for that to all happen. Just because I have chosen to follow God's calling doesn't mean that I won't suffer and have obstacles along the way. It does however mean he is there to walk with me and show me the beauty in all, including the trials. If I keep asking why me rather than what do you want me to learn, I will be far from where God wants me to be and not mature into that beautiful flower he created me to be.
Right now I am going to honor my son's memory and keep him in my heart but also take this whole thing as a lesson in life and follow God's calling to grow. I have decided that on his birthday I am going to ask people to do random acts of kindness. What I want to do is print up little cards, like business ones, that people can give to someone without having to speak a word to say that they did this act of kindness in honor of our little monkey. If you would like to participate please feel free to contact me via email or phone and I will gladly email you one or put them in the regular mail. I figure if I start doing this now that maybe by the time his birthday comes around everyone we know will be ready to make that a special day and change the world in memory of our little boy. I cannot think of a better way to celebrate his life and all that he meant to so many people.
Thank you all for all the prayers because they have been slowly working and God is working in me and my family every single day. Every prayer is a blessing bringing us closer to God and his calling for us in this Earthly life.
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