Tears

This morning at 3:30am,I woke to Gabby crying and once she was back to sleep I was wide awake. Finally, I began to zone back out but as usual my mind was wandering to the events from the day before. I had watched my niece Mallory while my sister Tara went to work since my sister Michelle(she typically watches Mallory) was on her way to Texas for a cheerleading competition. My sister came to pick up Mal and we sat together as she visited and waited for the traffic down near her house to die down a little before she left. As always the two of us wind up talking about George.

Tara had a special connection with George and is profoundly touched by his leaving Earth early quite a bit. She is actually one of the few people that I am comfortable mentioning his name in front of or even crying with. Whenever we talk about him, it always seems to lead to tears. Yesterday was no different as we sat here talking about him and how I went looking for some of his things to use with Mallory. We found new homes for most of his things and I was not sure if I had given away something in particular and I have not been through his things in a long while. The thought of that saddened her and she began to cry and so did I. She apologized for crying all the time and making me cry all the time. Time passed and she went home.

For some reason her apology just sat with me and kept me thinking about what she said and how people respond to those who have lost a loved one. I didn't want her to apologize for the tears, hers or mine, and I was not sure why. On Facebook, I left her a message thanking her for remembering him with me and talking about him and even the tears. I could not find the right way to express in words the way I was feeling until early this morning after I started to doze. I was thinking about her apology and how we talked about the deeper appreciation we had for our babies that were lying in our laps. We both held them tight and kissed them and appreciated the sleeping girls we have been blessed with, our two rainbow babies.

Tears are not a bad thing! I think that they are expressions of the love you have for the person who returned to heaven. Each tear shed is a kiss, a hug, or an I love you that you would have shared with the individual if they were still here on Earth. Being as you cannot share those things anymore, I feel that they get all bottled up and show themselves in tears shed for them instead of the physical expression to the individual. I always hug and kiss my children and tell them I love them all the time so I am not surprised by the amount of tears shed.

Often times people don't like to see others cry and avoid it at all costs so they never mention the person in heaven or just forget since their own lives have moved on and not been directly affected by the loss. As someone who lost the greatest loss you could imagine, I can say that all I want is to talk about my son and not have to feel awkward when I mention his name or say something. Often times you can see a persons discomfort when I mention his name. I have tried to talk about the day we lost him and that makes it even more awkward or a person will just tell me they don't want to talk about it because it depresses them or they don't like the subject. People who loose someone, especially someone who looses a child just want to share them and their memory now that they are in heaven as they would if they were here on Earth. Of course we cannot share them the same way as if they were here but we still can share them and remember them in a capacity that we feel comfortable doing as long as others are willing to put their own awkwardness aside.

If you know someone who has recently lost a loved one, be that one person who "gets it". Don't be afraid to talk to them about the person. If they mention the person, don't leave that awkward silence or make them uncomfortable by avoiding the subject. The person in heaven was a big part of the person's life in some capacity and they are missing them and need support. Don't let the tears send you fleeing in the opposite direction...remember they are only an expresson of their love in physical form, the only way that they can now express their love for that person in heaven. Do not be afraid to cry with them or if you are the one who lost someone, don't be ashamed or afraid to cry, there is nothing wrong with it, it means you just loved the person in heaven that much!

Written by Claire Marritt

There's a hand print on my heart
I can feel it everyday
I do not wish it to leave me
I wish for the hand print to stay
it is a little reminder
of my child gone before
it is holding my heart together
from the time in half it tore
Little hand print on my heart
trying to heal my pain
until the day I am with my child
the hand print shall remain
When we are finally back together
and in the morning when we wake
there shall be prints on every cloud
me and my child together make

I Lost My Child Today

I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The song’s the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my child.........today
-Netta Wilson

Smell

I know they say that smell has a very powerful affect on people. This is so true and I found this out yet again today. I had gotten the kids off to school and it was just Gabrielle and I since Hugh had started his new job and is training. Gabrielle was sound asleep in her little rocking bed out in the living room. The opportunity to clean and enjoy the quiet does not come along often in our house so I as determined to take advantage of the little bit of time I knew I would have until the baby woke up.

The kids had left their shoes on the floor and I was putting them in the shoe rack we have near the front door when this smell took over me. It was so distinct and one I have not smelled in a long time. It was the smell of George's room. His room had a very distinct smell when he was alive. There is no way to explain it but I knew it when I smelled it. All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with emotions and sat on the one step between my front room and living room where our mantle is that holds his ashes and just cried.

George's things stopped smelling like him a while ago. I remember coming home the day he died and taking his blanket and just holding it to my face since his essence was so pronounced then. As time went on, that smell faded from his blanket and the clothes he wore. The last place to loose the smell was his room. Joshua and Michael have moved in there and it smelled like him at first but no longer does. It was so heart breaking to when it left because it was as if the last part that I had of him had left too.

Never had our front room smelled like him since he never really lived in that part of the house. His urn is now on the mantle there with his memorabilia but other than that there is nothing that would make that room smell like that. I have never smelled this smell other than when he was alive. It is not a particular lotion or perfume that you could say caused it since I did not put that on him and the lotion we used was always lavender. Lavender has its own smell and this was not that at all. I'd like to think he came to visit me for a while or wanted me to remember him.

I've been taking the medication that the doctor gave me for anxiety and it seems to be helping at least a little bit. The stress of life has just been nonstop and the anxiety added to it was just way too much for me and this actually takes the edge off. I've just been exhausted with all the challenges that we have been handed one after another over the past few years. Everything in me has just had enough and I am physically and emotionally maxed out but still owe my husband and kids the best wife and mom I can be. The past few months I have just been surviving and that is ok but I want to live life to the fullest and have had a hard time finding it in myself to do such.

Loosing a child changes so much and it changes the person that you were. Grief work is just that...WORK! It is like running a marathon not a short distance race. Somehow you need to pace yourself and if you don't you feel it. If you add in the other struggles we have had than you can imagine how difficult it has really been. I'm still trying to figure out how to live without my son every single day and I know it will be life long but I want to be in a better place than I have been lately, even if it is only one thing a day or every few days that I do to make things better. If I don't work on myself, I can't help the rest of my family and can't be here for them in the capacity they need me to be.

I feel so often that we are swimming up stream against the current. We always try to make things better for our family only to be faced with more and more challenges and not little ones. It has been this way for me since I left college and has only been one thing after another with no real break in between. In all instances I have tried to be positive and make myself better with each one but sometimes it just seems like you want to just stay in bed for a week with no phone calls or anyone around to just try and catch up on the amount of energy it requires to get up and live just one day.

Days like today where I am taken by surprise are good and bad. It is a blessing to have had those moments and yet sad at the same time. It is only 7pm and I am ready for bed yet have another few hours ahead of me with the baby and to do laundry and other household chores. These moments add to the exhaustion and makes me wonder if God ever gets tired like this and these happen to be the moments I wonder what he is thinking up there! I often times wonder what he sees in me that I don't see in myself and how in the world does he feel that I can handle these situations. In the end I know he is walking me through this stuff and I do find comfort in that. No one could imagine half the things I have been through in my life and often times it has lead me to feel extremely alone however in the moments that I sit alone and cry it is as if my head is in his lap and he is stroking my hair comforting me.

Today as I sat there in disbelief and cried I know he was there with me. I cried because I miss my son but was grateful for such a gift and then sad again when it went away as I felt like I was loosing my son again. I wonder if we move will that smell ever come again? This is the only place he knew as his home and the only place I have memories of him in. It is amazing how one simple smell can evoke so many emotions in an instant.

Thank you God for giving me time with my son one more time!

Jar Of Hearts - Christina Perri [Lyrics]