6 Months Have Gone Bye

It has been 6 months since my little boy went to heaven. I cannot tell you how hard the past two days were for me. Wednesday was just torturous since all I could think of was that 6 months before he was sitting on my lap playing with me. Yesterday was just horrible as I relived the nightmarish moments that transpired 6 months before. Until you actually live this sort of thing yourself you cannot fathom that it brings with it...I know I could never even wrap my head around the thought of any of this.

My cousin Ashley stopped over with a heart shaped balloon for each of us to let go and send to our little monkey in heaven. I cannot tell you what that meant to me that someone cared enough to stop by and show that they cared in that manner and knew how truly hard the day was for us. Several times I had to actually walk out of the room as tears were just not able to be kept at bay. We all wrote on them and let them go. As she left I hugged her and the two of us stood in my kitchen embracing as tears just could no longer be held back and just rolled down my face.

I think that one of the hardest parts of the whole thing is that it has truly changed most of my personal relationships. Even those who I thought would understand and just be supportive just aren't or can't see past themselves and this goes for those who are not only close to me but also to Hugh. People talk behind our backs and hearing it repeated or just knowing that they are talking about you just makes this whole thing even worse. It is truly a shame that it has to be like this. However, I have found that we are not alone in this at all. Most parents who have lost a child get much drama, especially from people that they thought were close family and friends. I find it easy how others who have never walked the path yet proclaim to "get it" pass judgment and just don't have a clue nor do they realize that their comments hurt and make it even more difficult.

Until you have watched your child die do not pass judgment on someone else. If you have never signed paperwork to have their bodies burned or buried don't tell me to get over it or that I should be doing this differently. No I will not be the same and no it can never go back to "normal" NEVER EVER!!! Nothing will fix this, not a new baby or a specific date on the calendar. Think about how you would feel if you were the one who lost your child and multiply the feeling by a million and you still won't come close to even imagining what this is truly like. If you can't say anything appropriate then don't say anything and please stop talking about us behind our backs as if we don't have a clue you are doing it. Maybe it is not us who need the counseling, maybe you do?! Different doesn't always mean bad.

I also find that others just avoid you all together and it is like you have cooties. They don't want to upset you or make it difficult but they just don't understand it will always be difficult. If I can't predict the easy or hard things, I don't expect anyone else to be able to and that is all right. If I cry that is ok, if I am upset I am going to be ok, my son died, not me. All of these situations just make a parent feel so very lost when it comes to the death of their child. We were once in your shoes so we know the many feelings that come with watching a friend or family member loose a child and how hard it was for us to want to say the right thing or not hurt the person.

Please don't avoid us, we need you. We are not going to come out and say that because we know it can be difficult and some people just can't handle the situation and we respect that. Just to breath and wake up in the morning hurts so know we understand that moments will come when the pain is there it never goes away(It is more like a throbbing pain where sometimes it is intense and other times it is dull). In some way the pain lets us know that he was real and tears don't always mean sadness. Your child does not make me sad and you have not hurt me by them being around. I am sad for my own loss but happy for you because I know how precious children truly are, even more than before. If you don't know what to say just tell us that, we can handle that and are ok with that.

I don't know when the time came but it did. I realized that I have limits and have to focus my energy on those who deserve it and need it the most, my husband and children, and myself. I cannot fix this for anyone else and don't have the energy to help anyone else get through this besides myself and my family. On many occasions they have been put aside for other friends and family who always seemed to require so much of me. Being the unselfish person that I am, I would always put others first and in many instances it was not fair to my family. Since George died I realized what relationships I have that are healthy and what ones were not. I have no intention to change anyone but if it is a relationship that requires more then I have to give it is only fair to that person and myself to limit or just end the relationship all together. There is nothing wrong with putting myself or my family first and I will not feel guilty for that. I am done feeling guilty and responsible for other people's happiness. They have to do that for themselves.

It is a shame that I have ended friendships and had to limit others in my life. Loosing a child makes you realize what you can and can't do. You learn quick what is important and that spreading yourself thin does not serve you or anyone else well. Having expectations for others only sets them up to fail you and that is not fair to them or you. I wish our society handled this better and we were equip to do so, it would make things so much easier. This is not directed at any one person(although I am sure someone will miss read this and get angry because of my honesty. I refuse to be anything but honest about my experiences or feelings.) but rather a glimpse as to what a family who has lost a child actually deals with and maybe a little insight to those who may come across this situation later in life or may be dealing with it right now. I have found it a common thread among parents and families who have lost a child in their lives and wanted to share since these things are what make the situation worse and it to be the loneliest feeling in the world.

Never could I have fathomed this to ever be my life or how it would be if I did loose my child. There are no rules to this. My best suggestions that I can give if you are finding yourself handling a situation like ours or watching someone going through this are simple. Don't give a time-line...it is a lifetime issue. Don't avoid the person. They need you more months later sometimes more than when the loss just happens. Drop off meals randomly without expectation of the person to entertain but allow it if they are ok with it. Do things for them without having to be asked for they won't do that...sometimes they don't know what they need. Respect their feelings and take their lead but don't expect them to carry a conversation or relationship or it will become awkward or strained. If you are uncomfortable that is ok and sometimes just a note saying you are thinking of them helps. Do not talk about them or judge them...that is God's place, he knows their hearts and their pain in a way you don't. Words create their own wounds and cut deep into the heart and remain there so think about what you say before you say it! Gossip is even more painful than direct remarks and although the person may not be there, they are not stupid.

If you are walking the path give yourself time and know it is ok to say no and not do things you are not capable of even if others don't understand it or agree with it. People mean well but have no idea how to truly handle it so a bit of understand will make things more helpful. This is your loss and it is ok to not feel like you have to make it ok for everyone else. If it is too hard then it is ok to say you can't do it. You don't have to feel guilty for your feelings and it is ok to not associate or limit time with those who don't understand it for your own mental health, you already have a lot on your plate. It is ok to be mad or sad. Don't hold expectations for others because you are going to let yourself down. Every single day is going to be hard, find strength in whatever it is that brings peace to you. For me that is faith but I know that is not for everyone and that is ok too. Find comfort in those who do understand even if it is only one person or even just God himself.

Six months has changed so much in my life and for me it has been an eye opening experience. I have learned that I don't NEED anyone in my life nor am I dependent on anyone but myself and God. I don't need approval from others, or permission, or have to make it ok for someone else. It is ok to have limits and know where they are even though others may not understand and to not feel guilty about my feelings or limits. My little monkey has changed many lives, especially mine. I find it amazing how things can change in such a short amount of time some for the good and some for the bad. Every day I pull from my faith and rely on God to get me through the moments I don't understand the situation, other people, or even myself. I am only responsible for myself and my children(only right now since they are not old enough to make decisions or understand and make choices for themselves) at this stage in my life. I can't choose happiness or understanding for my husband, parents, siblings, friends, or other acquaintances. God surely has his hands full with free will!

Dear lord,
Please be with me every day walking this path. Help me to trust you and do your will for me. I know it is not my will but yours. Please carry me when I can no longer walk another step. Please talk to the hearts of those who do not understand. Walk with those who have suffered this loss and will suffer this loss in the future and those you have left here to support them through the difficult time. Everything happens for a reason and I put my faith in you and your will for my life. May you show through all my actions so that others may know your love and understanding that can come from no one else.

Please hold my little boy in your arms and let him know how much I miss him. Tell him about his big brothers, the new baby, and his daddy and I. Let him know how much we love him and that we would have given our lives for his if it was possible. When our arms ache to hold him please fill them with your everlasting embrace so we may know we are not alone. When we do not understand please bring our heavy hearts peace. Be with those who we just cannot be there for right now. Allow us the ability go help our children find peace and comfort in your decision to have their brother come home to you at such a young age. Please be with them when we cannot be and let them know you are there in their times of suffering. Please give my little monkey a kiss for me every morning and sing him a lullaby at night like I used to.

Thank you for your love, Grace, and Mercy, but most of all your son Jesus Christ. If it was not for your sacrifice, I would have no hope to see my son again and this would be even harder than it already is. It is your hope and love that gives me the strength to live every day. May I be an instrument in your symphony.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

I can tell by that look friend, that we need to talk.
So come take my hand and let's go for a walk.

See I'm not like the others -I won't shy away.
Because I want to hear what you've got to say.

Your child has died and you need to be heard.
But they don't want to hear a single word.

They say your child's with God ,so be strong.
They say all the "right" things that somehow seem wrong.

I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile.
I'll wait while you cry and be glad if you smile.

I won't criticize you or judge you or scorn.
I'll just stay and listen 'til night turns to morn.

Yes, the journey is hard and unbearably long.
And I know that you think that you're not quite that strong.

So just take my hand 'cause I've got time to spare.
And I know how it hurts, friend, for I have been there.

See, I owe a debt you can help me repay.
For not so long ago, I was helped the same way.

And I stumbled and fell through a world so unreal.
So believe when I say that I know how you feel.

I don't look for praise or financial gain.
And I'm sure not the kind who gets joy out of pain.

I'm just a strong shoulder who'll be here 'til the end.
I'll be your Compassionate Friend !!!

I am right here
Although you can't see me
I see your tears
I visit you often
Go to work with you each day
And when it's time to close your eyes
On your pillows where I lay
I hold your hand and stroke your hair
And whisper in your ear
If you're sad today Daddy
Remember I am here
God took me home
This we know is true
But you will always be my Daddy
Even though I'm not with you
I am Daddy's little angel
We will never be apart
For every time you think of me
Please know I'm in your heart.
I Love you Daddy!

Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don’t tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can’t stop,
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday

Visits

I have been very emotional these past few days and can't really say why. Joshua just turned 5 yesterday and so many emotions came with it. I also don't know if it is because in a few days George will have been gone for 6 months...a half of a year. The very thought of that and the pain it brings is just something I cannot begin to explain to anyone since I just don't understand it myself. I'm sure a part of it is the hormones from being pregnant but not all of it is that and I'd have to say that it is only a small portion of it.

My brother and his girlfriend had been outside and looked up in the sky to see clouds shaped like angel wings. Both of them immediately thought of George and were profoundly touched by the moment. My sister ran into a nurse I knew from one of my old docs offices yesterday and who had not known about George, she told her and had her moment of tears. Last night Michael's blankie was being washed at bed time so I gave him George's old blanket. A few minutes later he walked out and so did Josh who sat with me and we all shared George's blanket and watched the movie Up...very fitting movie that the boys have really watched a lot since George left(It deals with the concept of death and grief) There was just a huge feeling of content as we sat there under that blankie.

Last night I had a very strange dream. George was alive and fine. I knew he had died but God had given him back to me. It was kind of like the story of him bringing Lazarus back to life. In my dream I just held him and hugged him and played with him knowing what a huge gift that was. I sat there thinking of how I was going to tell everyone of my miracle and how God had blessed me so greatly. Even in my dream I knew God had such great powers and although I didn't see it possible I knew nothing was impossible through him.

I woke up to the sad reality that has now become my life. My son was yet again gone and I relived the loss of him all over again knowing it was only a dream. I have learned to cherish those dreams. They are the only way that I can be with my little boy while I am still here on Earth. I miss him so much. I got an email from a friend who said that her friend lost her child 30 years ago and still feels very much the same way still today.

The past few days have just been a nightmare for me as random moments of that morning's events have haunted me and my thoughts. I cannot tell you what I would give to not have those horrible memories and just be able to remember my son as the happy little boy he was. I know this is all totally normal but that doesn't take away the terrible moments as the come back. When you loose a child in this manner or in a tragic way while you were with them, I think it is just so much harder because it came with no warning and was so surrounded by tragic and horrible moments that will forever remained etched in your mind. Sometimes the memories of their death happen to be stronger then the ones of their birth and life.

Today is Hugh's first meeting with his counselor. I'm very excited for him and hope that this helps him on many levels. This past year has just been one horrible nightmare after another for him. Both of us wish we could get out of this funk but know it is well out of our control. God wants us here for some reason and although we don't know why it has to be in this manner we know he sees the bigger picture. We also know there is nothing in life that can happen that God will not see us through no matter how bad it truly is.

Mom, please don’t feel guilty
It was just my time to go.
I see you are still feeling sad,
And the tears just seem to flow.

We all come to earth for our lifetime,
And for some it’s not many years
I don’t want you to keep crying
You are shedding so many tears.

I haven’t really left you
Even though it may seem so.
I have just gone to my heavenly home,
And I’m closer to you than you know.

Just believe that when you say my name
I’m standing next to you,
I know you long to see me,
But there’s nothing I can do.

But I’ll still send you messages
And hope you understand,
That when your time comes to “cross over,”
I’ll be there to take your hand.

My Mum is a Survivor

My Mum is a survivor,
Or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night,
When all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night,
And go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her,
To help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach,
That never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mum,
Who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
A smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see,
Tears flowing from her eyes.
My mum tries to cope with death,
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows,
It is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mum,
Through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels,
Protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...
Or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
No matter what she feels,
My surviving mum has a broken heart,
That time won't ever heal.