Wishing

Wishing I could wave a wand or say a special prayer and it would all be ok and you would be here!

Thinking of You

Thought of you the whole trip to GA and back. God I miss you so much...my heart just breaks every single day you are not with me. I wish there was something I could have done to save you or that God would have changed his mind and given you back to me. It just hurts so bad to not have you with us. I love you more than you will ever know.

11 Month Birthday

Happy Birthday little monkey! You would have been 11 months old today. That very thought comes with so many mixed emotions. I am thinking of you today and everyday and my heart aches that you are not with us here getting ready to turn one and getting into everything. I know God had big plans for you but that does not stop the pain I will forever feel. Another mommy and I were chatting online last night and watching a prayer service together that was just so moving. The minister had lost his soon too and expressed so many of our emotions and the true knowledge of our pain. He was in a stadium talking to thousands of people and yet I felt as if he was only talking to me. Thoughts of you will weigh heavy on my mind today as I pack to head to GA for our visit with a Mito specialist there. Please watch over us and know how very much we miss and love you with all our hearts.

Days Ahead

Tuesday we leave for GA to meet with Dr. Kendall, a Mito specialist. This past week has been nothing but full on emotions and stress. The trustee for Joshua's trust was very hard for us to get a hold of, he is in Guam. We needed to have the money up front since we just don't have it right now to pay first and than get reimbursed. I was suppose to be on unemployment but have been denied thus far but am appealing it. They have said I voluntarily left my job but that is not the case since I am not eligible for employment if I cannot meet the companies standards, which I cannot do right now so I was let go and put on an inactive status. Due to the circumstances the company listed me as eligible for rehire but I would still have to meet their 40 hr/wk min and 95% accuracy rate which is impossible for me right now.

That being said we have paid minimums on most bills and just have not had the money for the mortgage for July or August thus far. I am hoping my appeal goes through though and than things will be ok...it just can never go smoothly without drama for us. Sometimes I sit there and ask God why in the world this stuff happens to us. Can it ever be uncomplicated? It always works out in the end and if I have to go back and work 4 weeks and than get myself fired for poor job performance I can then collect(how stupid is that?!?!) Of course I was freaking out when I got the letter Sat and then again when we had not heard back from the trustee. Thankfully I got the email today telling us he sent us a check on Friday. I'm just praying that we will not have trouble cashing because if we deposit it into our bank account it will take 5 business days to clear and that will be a huge problem!!! I'm taking a deep breath and leaving it in God's hands because I can't change any of this right now and worrying isn't good for me or Gabrielle.

The boys have had a lot of fun since they found out they are having a sister. Joshua has been the most affectionate little boy hugging her, tickling her, and talking to her. Yesterday I just about lost it though. He looked at me with all seriousness and said "Mommy, I don't want this baby to go to heaven like Georgie did. Can you tell God that I love her and want her to stay this time?" I had no idea what to say and nothing could stop the tears from running down my face as I saw the pain in his eyes from the loss of his little brother. Each of the boys have had their difficult moments lately.

Hugh had a hard day today. No rhyme or reason to it, just had a rough day with the loss of his dad, the state his relationship is in with his mother, and the loss of George. Several times you could look at him to see him holding back tears. Other times he was hugging the boys or talking to my belly. He does go for another counseling session tomorrow before we leave. I'm kind of glad for his sake.

Tomorrow my little boy would have been 11 months old. It is so sad to me and just breaks my heart to watch other children born around this time too, getting ready for or having their first birthday parties. Pictures of them make me want to cry. I should be planning his party and he should be here but I'm not and he isn't. I remember being pregnant with him a year ago and was so excited, waiting for him to come. Instead of getting ready and being happy, I am really dreading next month and the sadness that it brings to our hearts not having him here with us on his birthday. We of course have plans to make it a weekend where we celebrate his life but mixed in there will still be a sadness that we cannot explain.

Please keep us all in your prayers as we face these hurdles/stress in our lives and travel to GA in the next few days.