6 Weeks

It has been six weeks since George left this Earth. We have been on a roller coaster from the very beginning that has had its high points and low points. I've come to hate Friday's but I have been trying to think of a better way to handle them. I cannot change the fact that my son is dead but I can change how I look at it. Friday's are particularly difficult so I have really been trying hard to find a better way to cope with them.

My younger sister text messaged me this morning saying how she wishes she could wipe Friday from the calendar and boy do I know that feeling. Then I thought about it. Although I am sad that I lost him that day, I guess I can try to look at it as a day of celebration. It was the day that my son got eternal life and that he met the Lord. I don't know how I could be sad about that other then the fact that I miss him. The fact has ran over and over in my head over the past few weeks also that we celebrate Jesus' death on a Friday also, Good Friday. This year, that day will have all new meaning to me.

There is a beautiful song that is sang by Brad Paisley and Sarah Evans. The song is titled New again and it was used in George's photo montage. I've always had a love for this song from the moment I heard it. It is Jesus and his mother having this conversation. She is sad and he is comforting her as he is dying and telling her to not me sad. He tells her things must me that way and that it will all be new again. The very thought of that is so powerful to me and the meaning of the song has hit home very close lately.

This morning I did get up with an odd urge to look some things up. I don't know what made me do it because I have not looked at stuff in a while, in reguard to the kids medical records otehr then last week just to count the days of their birth and first symptoms. Today I got up and had a need to look at thier shot records. Knowing that Josh and George were the same age to the day when they had their issues, it made me ponder what was similar in that timefram for the two of them.

The one thing that came to mind happened to be their vaccines. For a long time there has been much controversy over vaccines and causes of many disorders and problems children have. I've always been one to vaccinate my kids but have known that they are predisposed to have issues. Little did I realize that it could have been the very thing that caused thier problems to come to fruition. Some people are just hereditarily predisposed to have problems with them. With Richard still coming back without any issues through the mouth swab, it has made me wonder where in the world the problem lies.

To make a long story short, both George and Josh were 17 days from having their vaccine. It was one in particular DPT. This vaccine has been linked to severe neurological issues and even death. It is actually the pertusus in it and it is only 50-90% effective even if you do get it. I have read the iterature on it many times since I use to work in a peds office but never has it occured to me until now that it could have attributed to the boys medical problems. I remember Michael getting his and how he could not walk for almost a week after getting it. It can cause seizures and all sorts of other problems, even breathing(always a huge concern for me with George)! My documents are reliable and there is just way to much coincidence for there not to be a common link here somewhere.

There was a family who was gaining national recognition a few years back about vaccine damage. The father was a doctor and they had given their daughter her vaccines and she had a horrible reaction and had also been diagnosed with Mitochondrial dysfunction. There has been a lot of controversy over this but also has been the backbone of research and hereditary predisposition for those getting vaccines. It is something that I will look further into and consider should we have another child. There is a lot to be said in this reguard but there is more for me to look into as time goes on. I guess right now I am just in limbo and have to get his autopsy results still.

Greatful

I cannot tell you how greatful I am for my faith in God. Yesterday was such a difficult day for me. Much of the day I walked through the motions of a day. I helped a friend of our family with paperwork at the county building, played with the kids outside, went to my mom's house, and came home to sit with Hugh. In the back of my mind all day all I kept thinking was how much I just wanted the day to be over!

Dispite my yearning for the day to be over, God let me know he was there with me. The morning brought a trip to help a friend of our family fill out paperwork for her husband to get medicaid now that he was going to be in a nursing home. She is years older then I am but our lives have many similarities. She lost a son before she ever anticipated, and I just had the opportunity to know God was working through me as he was working through her in my life. It was just a great opportunity and I feel blessed to have been able to do that, I think we both needed that. It kept my mind busy for the morning and although I was talking about George and loosing him, I was not sad but rather greatful for the gift of his life and could feel God's presence.

The afternoon brought several trips outdoors to play with the boys. This is their time of year because they don't have to worry about the heat or the cold. Since the weather has broken a little they have been out every day for long periods of time. It was great to see them able to be kids and to have no cares in the world. That is such a blessing. There were times I would almost cry as I thought about how we had planned to have George with us doing these things too. Somewehre in my sadness I would find joy for the laughter of the boys and knew that although he was not here in physical form, he was there in spirit. The sun would hit my face randomly with the warmest beams and I knew it was God letting me know that the sun will shine again in our lives and that he was there.

I had taken the kids to my mom's house. It has been a while since I have been there. For me, I find it hard to keep it together and find comfort being at home among his things and I don't know why. I know my family loves me and wants to be there but I just don't know how to have a grasp on all of this and find it hard to be around other people at times. I watched as Josh pushed an empty baby stroller that he eventually put a stuffed animal in. It just made me want to cry the entire time. A song came on that has always touched my heart and there were times that tears streamed silently from my eyes and my heart ached so bad.

I was greatful to have had the time but also greatful to finally go home. We got the boys to go to bed. Hugh and I had planned to watch American Idol together but missed a good portion of it. I heard the one song Smile and knew it was meant for me. Right before that, I just burst into tears. Hugh was goofing around and bit my chin playing around without realizing that George use to do that to me all the time. I would hold him and play with him and as soon as he could get a grasp he would grab my face and use my chin as a chew toy. I was the only one he would do that with and I just could no longer hold the sadness building up inside all day. He felt horrible and then the two of us just held one another crying. I heard that song and knew it was God letting me know he understood what I was going through.

Somehow in all of the saddness, I found the strength to finally sit down and write a few thank you notes I had been putting off. We also ordered some general thank you notes from Costco this morning. These were things I needed to do but just haven't been able to do. I awoke this morning to find myself full of spirit dispite the pain I feel inside. The boys social worker came today and we were able to talk and I showed him moments of the service and the memorial photo montage that had been put together for us.

Hugh and I decided we are ready to begin figuring out what we want to do with his things and his room. It has sat empty since he left us that morning with a few moments where we put things from the service there or went in to feel closer to him. THe curtains have been shut and it has been dark, like our lives have felt since he left us that day. We finally opened the curtains and the little boys went in and were playing in there and saying how they missed him. I made each of the boys a little wooden monkey with a card from George's service so they could carry him in thier pockets. I began to put together little packages to send to those who were brought into our lives that day and will remain forever in our hearts. We want to let the hospital staff, EMT's, and police officers know how much we appreciated all they did dispite the outcome.

I have spent a good portion of the morning looking at his service video and the photo tribute on the tv. It has just touched my heart and I feel so much closer to him and know that he was such a gift. So many things have come out of his life and death and although we are hurting because we have lost him, we know he had such a great purpose and we thank God for that. I miss him terribly but somehow find solice in him having such a wonderful purpose her on Earth. The pain will never go away but it is eased to an extent knowing how great of a gift it was and a blessing he was to us for the short amount of time and that in the end the overwhelming feeling that has come from knowing God in a more intimate way. I know now what sacrifice it was for him to send his son and for Mary to watch as he was taken from her knowing that it was for the greater good. Their hearts hurt as ours do and I know can say I know first hand the pain which gives me a greater understanding of my own faith. We are not walking this road alone for God knows our pain and is with us every moment even in our greatest dispair.

6 Months Old

Today George would have been 6 months old. My heart just breaks at the very thought. I had looked so forward to this day and I can't even tell you why. It was not significant for any reason with any of the other boys so I can't say why it was significant with him. Maybe it is the fact that I knew in the back of my mind, he was not going to see this day. I remember telling my sister a few months ago that I knew I was going to loose one of my children and I didn't know how or when but I thought that it would be George. She asked me why, I told her I wasn't sure, but because I was closest with him. It just kills me to know I was right.

The past few days have just been horrible for me. I can't tell you why, nothing has really changed at all but I have been missing him terribly. The memory of his smile and laugh and the special bond we had just keeps playing through my head making my heart hurt even more. I've waded through the tons of pictures I have of him and smile and cry with everyone of them. I am so greatful that I took so many of them.

I think the overwhelming reality of it all has truly sunk in. The fact that I will never hold him again and see him or watch him make those milestones is just all so real. The toys in his room will never be blessed with his presence. The only thing I am left with are his memories and a his things here on earth. It just hurts to look at them sometimes and to just know that he will never be here with us again.

I've gone through moments of anger. How in the world could God take my son who was so loved? I've watched as people I know give their kids away with no reguard for their welfare. It kills me to watch them being used as pawns to manipulate the system and know that their parents could just give them away without caring. Why couldn't he have taken one of those children? That is not to say that I believe they should be gone but I just don't understand the fairness in it all. I know life is not fair but seeing something like this just makes loosing my little boy so much harder to cope with.

Hugh has also had a rough time this past week. There is just so much going on and trying to wrap your head around it all can just make it all so difficult and overwhelming. We were talking yesterday about the irony of everything. For us the hard things have been easy and the things that are easy have been hard. Going to the listening to them pronounce him dead, going to the funeral home, making plans for his service, and having the service were the easy things. You knew you owed it to him to keep it together and to get through it, you also didn't have much of a choice in the matter, it had to be done. It is the day to day living that is the hardest thing ever to live with.

We watched our little boy every single day and spent every waking moment with him that we possibly could. Hugh being out of work gave him time he never had with any of the kids and now that time is empty. How do you fill those voids in your life? How do you go to the store and not cry in the middle of the isle or walk through as looking at things rips your heart out all over again? How do you go from the crowds of people that were there in the beginning to the now incomplete family you are left with? How do you cope with the fact that this is going to be how it is every single day of the rest of your life? The worst is knowing that you will never have the answers and yet you have to accept it as it is and move on somehow. We just have not figured out how to do that yet.

I got an email from work the other day and it took me several days to get back to them. They have beeen wonderful but wanted to know what I want to do. Honestly, I have no idea but I do know I can't work right now. There is no way in the world that I can possibly do that right now. I'm so greatful that they understand dispite the fact I have no idea how we are going to pay the bills. I find it funny how I really don't even care about the last part of it right now. So many nights I would go to bed worrying about making ends meet and know I just cry not caring and only wishing my little boy was not gone and praying for an end to this ceaseless pain.

It isn't as if every single moment of every single day is bad but all of them are hard. Something simple can trigger a really bad moment without any warning. You could have been fine all day long and then come across a sock or see a picture or just have a memory. They take you by surprise and they are just terrible. There is no way to explain the sort of life we lead right now. We keep it together for the kids and move on because we know we must but not because we want to.