6 Months Old

Today George would have been 6 months old. My heart just breaks at the very thought. I had looked so forward to this day and I can't even tell you why. It was not significant for any reason with any of the other boys so I can't say why it was significant with him. Maybe it is the fact that I knew in the back of my mind, he was not going to see this day. I remember telling my sister a few months ago that I knew I was going to loose one of my children and I didn't know how or when but I thought that it would be George. She asked me why, I told her I wasn't sure, but because I was closest with him. It just kills me to know I was right.

The past few days have just been horrible for me. I can't tell you why, nothing has really changed at all but I have been missing him terribly. The memory of his smile and laugh and the special bond we had just keeps playing through my head making my heart hurt even more. I've waded through the tons of pictures I have of him and smile and cry with everyone of them. I am so greatful that I took so many of them.

I think the overwhelming reality of it all has truly sunk in. The fact that I will never hold him again and see him or watch him make those milestones is just all so real. The toys in his room will never be blessed with his presence. The only thing I am left with are his memories and a his things here on earth. It just hurts to look at them sometimes and to just know that he will never be here with us again.

I've gone through moments of anger. How in the world could God take my son who was so loved? I've watched as people I know give their kids away with no reguard for their welfare. It kills me to watch them being used as pawns to manipulate the system and know that their parents could just give them away without caring. Why couldn't he have taken one of those children? That is not to say that I believe they should be gone but I just don't understand the fairness in it all. I know life is not fair but seeing something like this just makes loosing my little boy so much harder to cope with.

Hugh has also had a rough time this past week. There is just so much going on and trying to wrap your head around it all can just make it all so difficult and overwhelming. We were talking yesterday about the irony of everything. For us the hard things have been easy and the things that are easy have been hard. Going to the listening to them pronounce him dead, going to the funeral home, making plans for his service, and having the service were the easy things. You knew you owed it to him to keep it together and to get through it, you also didn't have much of a choice in the matter, it had to be done. It is the day to day living that is the hardest thing ever to live with.

We watched our little boy every single day and spent every waking moment with him that we possibly could. Hugh being out of work gave him time he never had with any of the kids and now that time is empty. How do you fill those voids in your life? How do you go to the store and not cry in the middle of the isle or walk through as looking at things rips your heart out all over again? How do you go from the crowds of people that were there in the beginning to the now incomplete family you are left with? How do you cope with the fact that this is going to be how it is every single day of the rest of your life? The worst is knowing that you will never have the answers and yet you have to accept it as it is and move on somehow. We just have not figured out how to do that yet.

I got an email from work the other day and it took me several days to get back to them. They have beeen wonderful but wanted to know what I want to do. Honestly, I have no idea but I do know I can't work right now. There is no way in the world that I can possibly do that right now. I'm so greatful that they understand dispite the fact I have no idea how we are going to pay the bills. I find it funny how I really don't even care about the last part of it right now. So many nights I would go to bed worrying about making ends meet and know I just cry not caring and only wishing my little boy was not gone and praying for an end to this ceaseless pain.

It isn't as if every single moment of every single day is bad but all of them are hard. Something simple can trigger a really bad moment without any warning. You could have been fine all day long and then come across a sock or see a picture or just have a memory. They take you by surprise and they are just terrible. There is no way to explain the sort of life we lead right now. We keep it together for the kids and move on because we know we must but not because we want to.