Greatful

I cannot tell you how greatful I am for my faith in God. Yesterday was such a difficult day for me. Much of the day I walked through the motions of a day. I helped a friend of our family with paperwork at the county building, played with the kids outside, went to my mom's house, and came home to sit with Hugh. In the back of my mind all day all I kept thinking was how much I just wanted the day to be over!

Dispite my yearning for the day to be over, God let me know he was there with me. The morning brought a trip to help a friend of our family fill out paperwork for her husband to get medicaid now that he was going to be in a nursing home. She is years older then I am but our lives have many similarities. She lost a son before she ever anticipated, and I just had the opportunity to know God was working through me as he was working through her in my life. It was just a great opportunity and I feel blessed to have been able to do that, I think we both needed that. It kept my mind busy for the morning and although I was talking about George and loosing him, I was not sad but rather greatful for the gift of his life and could feel God's presence.

The afternoon brought several trips outdoors to play with the boys. This is their time of year because they don't have to worry about the heat or the cold. Since the weather has broken a little they have been out every day for long periods of time. It was great to see them able to be kids and to have no cares in the world. That is such a blessing. There were times I would almost cry as I thought about how we had planned to have George with us doing these things too. Somewehre in my sadness I would find joy for the laughter of the boys and knew that although he was not here in physical form, he was there in spirit. The sun would hit my face randomly with the warmest beams and I knew it was God letting me know that the sun will shine again in our lives and that he was there.

I had taken the kids to my mom's house. It has been a while since I have been there. For me, I find it hard to keep it together and find comfort being at home among his things and I don't know why. I know my family loves me and wants to be there but I just don't know how to have a grasp on all of this and find it hard to be around other people at times. I watched as Josh pushed an empty baby stroller that he eventually put a stuffed animal in. It just made me want to cry the entire time. A song came on that has always touched my heart and there were times that tears streamed silently from my eyes and my heart ached so bad.

I was greatful to have had the time but also greatful to finally go home. We got the boys to go to bed. Hugh and I had planned to watch American Idol together but missed a good portion of it. I heard the one song Smile and knew it was meant for me. Right before that, I just burst into tears. Hugh was goofing around and bit my chin playing around without realizing that George use to do that to me all the time. I would hold him and play with him and as soon as he could get a grasp he would grab my face and use my chin as a chew toy. I was the only one he would do that with and I just could no longer hold the sadness building up inside all day. He felt horrible and then the two of us just held one another crying. I heard that song and knew it was God letting me know he understood what I was going through.

Somehow in all of the saddness, I found the strength to finally sit down and write a few thank you notes I had been putting off. We also ordered some general thank you notes from Costco this morning. These were things I needed to do but just haven't been able to do. I awoke this morning to find myself full of spirit dispite the pain I feel inside. The boys social worker came today and we were able to talk and I showed him moments of the service and the memorial photo montage that had been put together for us.

Hugh and I decided we are ready to begin figuring out what we want to do with his things and his room. It has sat empty since he left us that morning with a few moments where we put things from the service there or went in to feel closer to him. THe curtains have been shut and it has been dark, like our lives have felt since he left us that day. We finally opened the curtains and the little boys went in and were playing in there and saying how they missed him. I made each of the boys a little wooden monkey with a card from George's service so they could carry him in thier pockets. I began to put together little packages to send to those who were brought into our lives that day and will remain forever in our hearts. We want to let the hospital staff, EMT's, and police officers know how much we appreciated all they did dispite the outcome.

I have spent a good portion of the morning looking at his service video and the photo tribute on the tv. It has just touched my heart and I feel so much closer to him and know that he was such a gift. So many things have come out of his life and death and although we are hurting because we have lost him, we know he had such a great purpose and we thank God for that. I miss him terribly but somehow find solice in him having such a wonderful purpose her on Earth. The pain will never go away but it is eased to an extent knowing how great of a gift it was and a blessing he was to us for the short amount of time and that in the end the overwhelming feeling that has come from knowing God in a more intimate way. I know now what sacrifice it was for him to send his son and for Mary to watch as he was taken from her knowing that it was for the greater good. Their hearts hurt as ours do and I know can say I know first hand the pain which gives me a greater understanding of my own faith. We are not walking this road alone for God knows our pain and is with us every moment even in our greatest dispair.