New Again

Last night Hugh and I sang at the Good Friday service. We sang the song New Again. It was very hard to keep it together emotionally. Both Hugh and I found it very hard to do but we did it for our little man. We miss him so much. Hugh had found one of the chocolate cigars that Richard and my mom had given to him at the hospital. He had put them in his top dresser drawer waiting until he got a chance to give one to his family members. Some of them never met George so we had quite a few left over. I didn't know that he had one in his pocket and he burried it where we had placed George. It sounds kind of silly to do these things but something in us keeps tugging at us so we can find a way to keep him with us.

Everyone last night said how wonderful the song was. I happened to be the last one to leave the church and I made my way to a pew since I had just been on a chair in the back. It just hit me very hard as I sat there crying while everyone was downstairs in the hall. I miss him so much! Most of the time I can keep it together but it is so hard to do that right now.

This morning we went back to the church to help with the set up for tomorrow. I wound up helping with flowers and Hugh worked out in the yard working on trees. Richard came too and he took a flower and put it on George's grave. It was a busy day and we are all surely tired after a long day. We came home and I got the boys from my mom and we came home to dye eggs. That was so hard for me to do. I just felt like something was missing.

I made an egg with each of the boys, including George. He never got to celebrate an Easter or do any of the stuff that comes with the holiday. I did however, take pics of one of his stuffed monkeys and us dying eggs. In a way it is sort of like keeping him with us and his memory alive. This feeling is just hard to explaing and it is sadness but also a feeling of being incomplete. To think that I will feel this way for the rest of my life is just so terrible. I still enjoy doing things with the other boys but it is just not the same.

Tomorrow is going to be a rough day but I know we will make it through. It is our first holiday without him since he was born. The thought of that is overwhelming but I guess we will have a whole year of hard firsts. I'm not looking forward to any of them and wish I could just skip them all together but that just isn't an option. I'm going to post some of the pictures with this post...I hope you enjoy them.

Good Friday and 9 weeks

This week has probably been the worst week for me since George died. I've thought a lot about why it is so difficult and there are many factors. Last night Hugh and I went to church to sit for an hour vigil in our church's Mary Garden and I think it was something that we both needed. It is a time for you to just pray and reflect and it was just the two of us in the church. Most of the time I sat there with tears running down my face as I prayed for God's guidance in my life and my families.

Right now things are more difficult then usual because my mother and I are having a difficult time associating since we are grieving in different ways. My whole life I have always been there for her and have been able to put my own feelings aside but I can't do that right now. When my grandparents died, I was over there on days I knew would be bad days and I would take the kids to try and help her though that difficult time dispite the fact that I was having my own issues. There is no way that I can even do that right now and she is left to greive on her own. She has support of others but just not in the capacity that she may be needing right now. She has never been good with death or even illness so this is new territory for her and I know that she is hurting right now.

She was upset with me when I told her that I did not want her to go with me to get George's autopsy paperwork. I didn't do it to hurt her but rather to protect her and also for myself. In that paperwork I knew there were going to be very graphic discriptions of how they dismantled my son. I knew going into it that she could not be what I needed at the moment that I got that paperwork because of her emotional ties to me and inablity to handle these sorts of things. I knew I would not be able to handle questions if she had them and I would just barely be able to wrap my head around it myself. I did not want to get upset with her for the way she felt in those moments so I knew that I had to go with someone else.

My emotions are so raw and have been since the day he died. The pain is unfathomable to most people and I know where my threshold is. I have said things or done things that people don't understand, especially my mom who loves me so much and I am the child she is closest with. She is hurting because she watches me hurt and also mourns the losss of George. It is a helpless feeling and I understand that but there is nothing I can do about it because I can barely be there for myself and my husband and children. There is jsut not enough to go around. I have tried to explain this but to no avail and right now we are staying our distance which in some ways is good and others is bad.

She has been there for me throughout my life and especially in the moments and days following his death, and I am so greatful for that. My mom is a wonderful person who means well but has never been one to handle these situations well. She is still grieving the loss of her own parents so adding George's death to the list, is just even more overwhelming for her. Usually I am the one she confides in and goes to. She use to do this with my grandmother too so now that she is gone and I cannot be there in a fashon she is use to, I am sure she is dying inside and feels so helpless and overwhelmed. There have been moments she has said things that she didn't realize would hurt me but I know that they were not purposly meant to do so. I am going to cry and I am going to hurt but she has a hard time seeing that. This whole thing leaves you feeling so helpless. Each of us have to do this in our own way and there is no right or wrong way to do it nor can we hold each other to personal exectations becuase it will just cause more hurt in the end.

Last night when we went to church, I prayed for her and for me. I asked God to give us both guidance and asked him to give us a way to find peace and understanding. He knows that he is walking with me and taking me to the place he needs me to be and so do I. It may be in a way that no one understands or is even comfortable with but it is how I have to do it for whatever reason. In some ways it has helped me to refind a relationship with my younger sister and also become closer to my husband. I never knew how he felt and I feel for him because I now understand the alone feelings that he goes through in a more personal way. I always met his issues of feeling alone to his own family situation with frustration and a lack of undrstanding. Now I just understand how he feels and the personal knowledge of knowing that you aren't going to be able to change anyone.

Everyone has their strengths and weeknesses and that is what makes us strong as a unit. To ask more of someone then they are capable of handling is unfair to the both of you. Right now God has different plans for our lives then we ever had andI don't understand them but I cannot change them either. With each of us feeling alone to handle this, we have found a way to lean on one another and walk through this horrible tradgedy. He is the one person that was there the entire time from the moment this hell started. He is going through the same emotions since it was our son. We are both dealing with the replaying reel of the days tragic events that haunt us each in our own ways. Although we griev differently we have found a way to be there for one another without any expectations of the other person and that is a wonderful place to be.

We sat there last night and pulled out a picture of George. He was such a beautiful little boy and Lord knows I miss him so much. We sat there looking at the stained glass window piece that had depicted Mary with her arms open but an immage of Christ as a child in the center of her chest. It was such a moving moment when I just looked up at it after kneeling to pray and realized the true magnitude of that. My heart ached so badly knowing the greater meaning that it held in such a personal way. We cannot be angry although it would be easier and nice to feel as if there was someone to blam. Hugh and I can't be angry with God dispite how much we would like to be. We have tried to be mad at ourselves to try and find some sort of reason or a place to put the blame...if only I had...is something that runs though our minds but never lingers long. It was just God's plan.

I happened to find a reasonable rate for a hotel in Williamsburgh. Hugh and I had contemplated going for the holiday but we decided to wait until later in the week to go. My birthday is a week from now so we figure we could go then depending on the weather. There are just too many commitments we already have to our church and just can't back out. We need some time away to just relax and have some time to collect ourselves. The kids need to have some fun and to just get away for a little bit.

Amoung all the craziness, I also realized why the holidays are so hard. You mourn again for the loss of the dreams you had for you and your child. It is also difficult becuase you are trying to hold it all together and it is in those moments that the realization of your loss is the greatest because you feel like you are missing something. It is also one of the times that people understand and think it is ok for you to be upset. I had been looking at a post someone wrote about how someone displayed their loss on their car through one of those window decals. Someone said that they were in appropriate because loosing a child is a personal thing that no one should display.

I think it is because it is harder on those who have not lost the child to come to terms with and fathom that sort of loss. They feel akward but we don't. we enjoy talking about our child no matter how much it makes our heart hurt to miss them. It is not only at those big moments and holidays for us, we go through it every day of our lives and will for the rest of our lives. I don't think you ever get over the loss of your child dispite the fact that society believes you should have gotten through the grief process in about 2 years at most and that is stretching it most people's oppinion...what a joke! Grief takes a lot of work and is a life long job that you will have until the day you are reunited in heaven. I now welcome that day with open arms for I know where I am going and how great it will be someday.

In some ways it is sort of like Easter. How many years has it been since Christ died? We still remember his death and celebrate it. We hurt for the tragedy that occured and the circumstances. No one could fathom that sort of death and loss and the very thought of it is overwhelming. That was quite apparent when we were at church last Sunday and the gentleman doing to reading began to cry. Somehow we find good in it all dispite the tragedy. I believe that is what happens when you lose someone, espcially a child. It does not mean we forget them, it is that we find a greater understanding and purpose to life. That is really what Easter is about, it is the eternal life. Life here is only a temporary home, it is not where we are suppose to be.

We hurt...

We hurt to think of our last moments we had with our baby.
We hurt knowing that we never got to say goodbye.
We hurt knowing we could not save his life.
We hurt as we replay those tragic moments over and over again.
We hurt because we know we couldn't have done anything else but wish we had.
We hurt knowing we cannot change anything.
We hurt knowing our children will forever be without their little brother.
We hurt knowing we will never hold our little boy again.
We hurt knowing that someone else had more say in his death then we did.
We hurt knowing what they did to our little boy after he died.
We hurt knowing we could not protect him.
We hurt knowing we will never see his smile again.
We hurt knowing we will never smell his sweet smell.
We hurt knowing that people we thought would understand don't.
We hurt feeling that we are so alone in a room full of people.
We hurt knowing that his things will never be used again.
We hurt wishing that we had another moment with him but know that we never will.
We hurt not having any "real" answers.
We hurt because it takes everything for us to just get up in the morning.
We hurt because celebrations were once filled with joy are now met with dread.
We hurt because we understand but hate the fact that this happened.
We hurt because we want to heal but are frustrated with the process.
We hurt knowing we will always have a piece of us missing.
We hurt because the pain we feel is the worst pain anyone could ever endure.
We hurt because nothing can ever take this pain away.
We hurt because our life has forever been changed and so have we.
We hurt knowing our dreams for him will never come true.
We hurt because we wish God had one more miracle just for our little boy that day, but he didn't.

We hurt...

Dreams

Today I did speak to the nurse from the hospital. She called to let me know they are looking to schedule the in service for June 17th. I found solice in that and a sort of excitement to be able to teach people about this horrible disease. I know that this is where I need to be and what I need to be doing at this point in time. So many people are interested in it, but it is sad it took my son dying to bring it all to light. They are going to get back to me with a certain time because it is going to depend on the room they can reserve because of the huge interest in it all.

Last night I had this very odd dream. At first it was so real. In my dream, Richard brought me George and told me that he was ok. I picked him up and there he was, my blue eyed little monkey all smiles just as he was the night I put him in his bed. Suddenly, it hit me that it was not possible, he had died. I looked at Richard and I told him it wasn't possible but Richard told me that it was possible because God can make miracles happen. I kept looking at him and took him to the hospital to show them my miracle. It kept running through my mind that there was no way it was possible because he had been dead and enbaumed and had an autopsy. There was no way he would ever be whole again but there in my dreams he was. The reality of it all kept creeping in but the fantasy of dreams did take over and he was there in my arms again smiling and I was holding him as if there was nothing wrong with him.

I then woke up and tried everything to go back to sleep. There in my dreams he is with me alive and well. I can be his mommy there and I can have my baby back whole and alive and that is what I want and where I want to be. Unfortunately, I had to come back to reality and know his crib is still empty and his things will never be used ever again. I don't know if dreams are God's way of giving him back to me in a way that is possible. Maybe that is my miracle, my dreams. There are moments where it is just so real. Sleeping always brings me peace but now even more so.

Another 29th

I absolutely hate days like today. They are the days you think you will be ok but everything just hits you and you are just so unprepared. There is no way to predict what will make you sad or how you will feel. Today was just a horrible day from beginning to end. I got on the phone to call the life insurance company. The woman was very nice and helpful but as soon as she asked me George's date of death, I said the 29th and was hit that today was the 29th. It was all downhill from there.

I tried to gather myself all day long but to no avail. The simplest things would just make me cryl. I wound up spending most of the day in bed so that I would not make the rest of the boys and Hugh upset too. The rain did not make it any easier because those were the days I would cuddle with my little man. I miss him so much and I hurt so bad. It is such a terrible thing to feel so very helpless.

I've come to absoultely hate the grief process. It stinks! The uncontrolability and unpredictability of it all is just so very overwhelming. I've tried over and over again to understna that this whole thing takes time and is normal but it is still so frustrating when you get hit all at once. I think you just get sick of holding it all together so when the chips fall they fall hard.

All weekend I had it together even when there were things that made me sad. I think today all of that hit me too. Life is just so unfair at times and I just don't understand it all. Not only are you having to deal with your own emotions, you have to deal with everyone else and especially those who just don't understand.

The rest of the week is packed full of stuff to do. I don't know if that is good or bad to be honest. Hugh and I are both dreading the holiday. We have absolutely no desire to celebrate it. Big family things are just so difficult for us right now. Holidays, birthdays, and vacations just bring feelings of dread. It is like you are now an outsider because you plaster that smile on your face and pretend like you are happy just so that everone else around you feels comfortable but you are dying inside. You pull it together just because you feel like it is your duty as a parent to the kids still here but your heart is not in it because part of you is missing.

I know we are going to have to learn how to deal with all of this but even two months later it is all still as if it was yesterday that we lost him. I still can see him smiling as I was playing with him the night before he died. He was so sad when I put him down to go to bed and it just made my heart wrench to put him down although I knew he needed to go to bed. Now the memory of that is just so painful, I wish I had just sat with him that night and rocked him to sleep(even though I know he never fell asleep on you and needed to be in his bed to do that).

I got in the medical records from the hospital today. Having read that and the autopsy this past week, I think it was just all so real and like loosing him all over again. Sometimes it feels as if he was never here and then others it is so real that it hurts more then any pain anyone could ever feel.

The one thing that always keeps running through my head is that there is nothing to call yourself after you loose a child. People who have lost parents are called orphans, people who have lost spouses are called widows, but parents who lost a child have nothing to call themselves. There really should be some name because it would be much easier when you talk to people to not have to go into detail. If there was a simple name for it but it is such a horrible loss that there is nothing to name it.

Losing someone else in your life is nothing like that of a child. Comparing it to other losses is just demeaning. Unless you have lost a child, you cannot ever say that you understand. I am not the only one that feels this way obviously because it has been written over and over again in bereavement books. I sat here today reading through one of the SIDS books I have and it said that for a parent who is dealing with a sudden death has even harder times with it. We were just never prepared for the loss so it is so much more drastic and difficult to deal with. There is a whole other host of emotions that come along with it and that makes you feel even more alone.

Honestly, I am looking forward to going to sleep because when I do that, I at least feel better somewhat in the morning. Tomorrow I go for Michael's meeting for school. He also has his last therapy session with the people from Early Intervention. We were so blessed to have them in our lives and we will be sad to see them go. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Moved

Yesterday was Michael's 3rd birthday party. We had a good time seeing everyone on much better circumstances. It was our first family function without George. We did get to see some old family friends who we have not seen in years. Boy those were the good old days! I miss the innocence I had as a child for many reasons. It was nice to see the kids have that and no worries for a short amount of time. The loss of their brother has caused a lot of emotions in all of them so it was just nice to see their worries melt away and only be little kids.

Later on in the day my aunt came with her step daughter who has a little girl. She was pregnant when I was and her daughter is not much older then George was. It was very hard for me to see her and it was also very difficult for Hugh. Many family members asked us several times if we were ok and of course we just said yes dispite the fact we ached so much inside. Hugh had to leave at one point. It was hard to watch the boys be so excited to have a baby to play with and they each wanted to hold her and kiss her. It saddened me to know they never got to really do this with George. We stuck it out for the kids sake, you coulc tell they needed that so bad. As much as it hurt it was healing too. We knew at some point we would have to handle this sort of situation and at least it was in a safe environment where people understood. It was nice to get over that hurdle dispite the fact it took everything we had to not just cry or loose it.

Today we went to church. Richard served again this weekend. He has been very active since George died and will be even more this week coming up with all the things for holy week going on. The two of us had a nice conversation this afternoon and he is such a wonderful kid. We were talking about how broken all of our hearts are. He said that it was like we were each glasses and God came down and smashed us into pieces but is putting us back together with very slow drying glue. God is making us into a glass bowl rather then individual glasses. What an awsome way to think and undersanding of how hard this is. We will never be the same and it is going to take a long time to be whole again.

Church itself was extremely moving for me. It was Palm Sunday and they went over Christ's walk to the cross and his death. The very thought of it all and several passages just brought tears to my eyes. One of the men from our church was resonsible for the homily. He had asked me weeks ago if I was going to be at this service and I said yes. He wanted to let me know he was mentioning me in this part of the service. I don't think I was prepeared dispite the fact that I knew ahead of time.

He talked about the resurection and life afet death and many different perceptions on it. As he was getting to the point where he mentioned me, he began to tear up and could barely hold it together himself. He talked about how God had showed himself through me the day of the baby's service. He talked about how I had sang the lulaby to George and how moving it was and how God had let so many people into that place of faith and peace. He said that my faith was so strong and that God had proven his presence at that very moment. Tears just rolled off my cheeks as I listened to him talk about me.

Never did I realize how I myself had touched someone like that. The very thought that not only has God worked through my son but he was working through me too. George's loss has changed me forever but then it has also changed so many other people. The thought of being used in God's greater plan can be so overwhelming yet touching at the same time. I did not realize that so many people had been touched by something I felt that I needed and wanted to do for my little boy. When we passed peace, I hugged the gentleman and he just held me tight as we cried and he told me that I was an inspiration. Me? How could I do that? It is just part of who I am and I could not immaging doing anything less then what I have done. I have leaned on and still do lean on God in order to get through this all. That is why I have always lived by the Footprints in the Sand. No matter how alone I feel, I know that I am far from that.

The rest of this week is chalked full of tons of things at church. It is holy week. Hugh and I are singing on Good Friday. It is going to be hard to get through but it will be beautiful. The song is called New Again by Braid Paisley and Sarah Evans. It is Jesus and Mary singing to one another while he is on the cross. It is listed below on the music chart. If you have never heard it click on the song and take the time to listen to it this week. It has taken on new meaning since George died and so has the whole Easter season. This week has so much meaning behind it and realy is what faith is based on. Take a moment to think about what you believe and where it fits into your life. Is there something that you can do to let the light of Christ shine through you so that you too can move others to find their own faith?