Another 29th

I absolutely hate days like today. They are the days you think you will be ok but everything just hits you and you are just so unprepared. There is no way to predict what will make you sad or how you will feel. Today was just a horrible day from beginning to end. I got on the phone to call the life insurance company. The woman was very nice and helpful but as soon as she asked me George's date of death, I said the 29th and was hit that today was the 29th. It was all downhill from there.

I tried to gather myself all day long but to no avail. The simplest things would just make me cryl. I wound up spending most of the day in bed so that I would not make the rest of the boys and Hugh upset too. The rain did not make it any easier because those were the days I would cuddle with my little man. I miss him so much and I hurt so bad. It is such a terrible thing to feel so very helpless.

I've come to absoultely hate the grief process. It stinks! The uncontrolability and unpredictability of it all is just so very overwhelming. I've tried over and over again to understna that this whole thing takes time and is normal but it is still so frustrating when you get hit all at once. I think you just get sick of holding it all together so when the chips fall they fall hard.

All weekend I had it together even when there were things that made me sad. I think today all of that hit me too. Life is just so unfair at times and I just don't understand it all. Not only are you having to deal with your own emotions, you have to deal with everyone else and especially those who just don't understand.

The rest of the week is packed full of stuff to do. I don't know if that is good or bad to be honest. Hugh and I are both dreading the holiday. We have absolutely no desire to celebrate it. Big family things are just so difficult for us right now. Holidays, birthdays, and vacations just bring feelings of dread. It is like you are now an outsider because you plaster that smile on your face and pretend like you are happy just so that everone else around you feels comfortable but you are dying inside. You pull it together just because you feel like it is your duty as a parent to the kids still here but your heart is not in it because part of you is missing.

I know we are going to have to learn how to deal with all of this but even two months later it is all still as if it was yesterday that we lost him. I still can see him smiling as I was playing with him the night before he died. He was so sad when I put him down to go to bed and it just made my heart wrench to put him down although I knew he needed to go to bed. Now the memory of that is just so painful, I wish I had just sat with him that night and rocked him to sleep(even though I know he never fell asleep on you and needed to be in his bed to do that).

I got in the medical records from the hospital today. Having read that and the autopsy this past week, I think it was just all so real and like loosing him all over again. Sometimes it feels as if he was never here and then others it is so real that it hurts more then any pain anyone could ever feel.

The one thing that always keeps running through my head is that there is nothing to call yourself after you loose a child. People who have lost parents are called orphans, people who have lost spouses are called widows, but parents who lost a child have nothing to call themselves. There really should be some name because it would be much easier when you talk to people to not have to go into detail. If there was a simple name for it but it is such a horrible loss that there is nothing to name it.

Losing someone else in your life is nothing like that of a child. Comparing it to other losses is just demeaning. Unless you have lost a child, you cannot ever say that you understand. I am not the only one that feels this way obviously because it has been written over and over again in bereavement books. I sat here today reading through one of the SIDS books I have and it said that for a parent who is dealing with a sudden death has even harder times with it. We were just never prepared for the loss so it is so much more drastic and difficult to deal with. There is a whole other host of emotions that come along with it and that makes you feel even more alone.

Honestly, I am looking forward to going to sleep because when I do that, I at least feel better somewhat in the morning. Tomorrow I go for Michael's meeting for school. He also has his last therapy session with the people from Early Intervention. We were so blessed to have them in our lives and we will be sad to see them go. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.