Dreams

Today I did speak to the nurse from the hospital. She called to let me know they are looking to schedule the in service for June 17th. I found solice in that and a sort of excitement to be able to teach people about this horrible disease. I know that this is where I need to be and what I need to be doing at this point in time. So many people are interested in it, but it is sad it took my son dying to bring it all to light. They are going to get back to me with a certain time because it is going to depend on the room they can reserve because of the huge interest in it all.

Last night I had this very odd dream. At first it was so real. In my dream, Richard brought me George and told me that he was ok. I picked him up and there he was, my blue eyed little monkey all smiles just as he was the night I put him in his bed. Suddenly, it hit me that it was not possible, he had died. I looked at Richard and I told him it wasn't possible but Richard told me that it was possible because God can make miracles happen. I kept looking at him and took him to the hospital to show them my miracle. It kept running through my mind that there was no way it was possible because he had been dead and enbaumed and had an autopsy. There was no way he would ever be whole again but there in my dreams he was. The reality of it all kept creeping in but the fantasy of dreams did take over and he was there in my arms again smiling and I was holding him as if there was nothing wrong with him.

I then woke up and tried everything to go back to sleep. There in my dreams he is with me alive and well. I can be his mommy there and I can have my baby back whole and alive and that is what I want and where I want to be. Unfortunately, I had to come back to reality and know his crib is still empty and his things will never be used ever again. I don't know if dreams are God's way of giving him back to me in a way that is possible. Maybe that is my miracle, my dreams. There are moments where it is just so real. Sleeping always brings me peace but now even more so.