Emotions

All I can say is that this has been one emotional roller coaster from beginning to end. Part of me is thankful that I had a c section because it makes it hard to cry since it hurts to do so. There have been so many moments where I want to just break down and cry but just can't and it isn't necessarily out of sadness but just general overwhelming emotions. Having delivered in the same hospital and to have Gabrielle look a lot like her big brother brings many emotions with them.

I do have to say the staff here has been great and so understanding and helpful. The entire OR was full of people who truly cared and it was like having a room full of sisters there to welcome our little girl into the world. They all understood our situation and although initially they did not know what to do or say they did eventually find themselves swept up in the emotion and happiness they felt for our family. I really connected with one of my nurses that I had here. Donna and I sat here and I talked to her about George and we both think she was actually one of the nurses who cared for him. It brought tears to her eyes to know what had happened and she was like a family member in just a few hours and I thank God for placing her in my life while I was here. I was able to talk to her and laugh and cry and feel like it was alright to do so. The woman who cleaned my room was also a wonderful woman and even came in with a gift for us.

I really wish that my little boy was here to see his little sister but I know he had a hand in her being here. He is watching down on her, I can see it in her smile and face. I miss him so very much and although I am so happy it is a very unique feeling to have that I have never felt before. I can't even begin to explain it but hope that in the next few weeks once we are settled in and I can have more time to process things, it won't seem so overwhelming or as if I just can't even wrap my head around it. The holidays added in make it harder and I think the fact that I just can't really cry does not help since it is such a release of emotions for me.

Tomorrow we go home and I am grateful for that. I asked the docs if I could go a day early so I could be with the boys and help out as much as possible and just be out of the hospital environment. Unfortunately, the morning I went into labor our hot water heater broke so we will be going to my mom's. Hugh and I have just not had the time to be able to look into it at all. He has been back and forth between the hospital and work and by the time he gets home it is to late at night. My mom has been such a huge help and watching the boys for us which has meant so much to us although I know she needs a break after having them for the past few weeks without much of a break. The only bad part about going there is that all our things are at home so we aren't exactly set up to be going there until we can get it all fixed. It is really just our luck that things transpired that way though...never a dull moment.

Here is to hoping that our transition home is easier than it seems right now and that I heal fast and can get back to as much "normal" as possible.

Hospital Pictures for Gabrielle

Below is the link for the pics that were taken at the hospital today! She is very precious and petite, so it is definitely new for all of us!

http://www.our365.com/newbornportraits/babydetail.aspx?BirthId=4cae633b-4295-42a9-9f19-2352d92ab7c8

George Is A Big Brother!

Gabrielle Grace blessed our familiy at 1:40pm 12/09/10. She weighed in at 6 lbs 1 oz and is 19 inches long. We are truly blessed to have her as a member of our family. She was 4 weeks early so doctors wanted to be on the safe side and have kept her in the NICU for observation over night.

Mommy and Daddy got to finally spend some time with her around 9pm and were both still in shock that they were so blessed. Her blood sugar and body temp are now stabalized and she nursed like a champ once she got the hang of it and had no trouble switching to a bottle to be supplemented. All of the initial issues are very common with premies but she should be bunking with mommy by tomorrow morning! Her big brothers are quite anxious to see her! She looks a lot like her big brother who now watches her from heaven and now shares the same day of the month for their birth! Mommy and baby ard doing well and will be in the hospital for the next 4 days. A special thanks to Memom for being with us today and watching the boys for the past few weeks and the next few days ahead while daddy works and mommy recovers. Thanks to Poppy who went over to the house today to try and trouble shoot the hot water heater that broke this morning...hopefully it will be an easy fix. To all aunts and uncles we can't wait to meet you! Aunt Tara thanks for the adorable outfit! We love you all and thank you for the prayer and well wishes.

Wishing You Were Here

I wish so badly that you were here. My heart breaks every day with the knowledge that you are not with me right now. I cry for you at least once a day and pray for God to help me through the moments that I don't think I will make it. Even just seeing a photo of you now just makes me cry. This whole season is suppose to be about joy but I just cannot bring myself to find it within me right now no matter how hard I try. I am grateful for the many gifts I do have however it does not make up for the fact that you are gone.

Yesterday Elizabeth Edwards died...she is a political figure who lost her son. I always looked up to her for speaking out for those who have also lost a child. When I thought about it I was not sad for her. I have often times listened to things she has said or watched clips of interviews she had given. All I could think about when hearing the news was how glorious a day it was for her rather than being sad for her. She expressed so very often how her faith changed and how she was no longer afraid to die. I have often said that myself and cannot begin to explain how those particular feelings wash over you after your child dies. All I could imagine was her holding her son again and how great that was for her and how happy I was for her knowing how much I look forward to that day myself sometime. Ironically many of the other mom's I have talked to expressed the same feelings.

I see pictures of other children that are the age you would have been and I can't even fathom what you would look like or be doing but it still tugs at my heart strings. Right now I cannot brave even the toy isles in the stores. It sounds so stupid but looking at them makes the reality that you aren't here especially for the holiday. I will see something that I think you would have liked and it saddens me to know that it will forever stay on that shelf since you would not be here to play with it. It is often times the simple things that become difficult. The things that used to carry such joy and happiness now also carry some sort of pain too. I could not bring myself to do Christmas cards or even take a family photo because they are no longer family photos...you are missing, it just isn't the same. Our lives just will never be the same again. I will always find myself wishing that you were here. I love you little boy and send lots of hugs and kisses your way and hope you are enjoying heaven.

There's Only Grace by Matthew West