I Wonder

So many days I sit there and wonder what life would have been like if you were still here. What would you look like? What would you be doing? Would you be crawling and cruzing? What would your personality be? What would your favorite toy be? Would you still be a good sleeper? Would you love playing with your big brothers? Would you like the grass or the sand? Would you like swimming? Would you still be a mommy's boy? Would you still suck your thumb? So many times I just sit here and my heart just feels so heavy knowing that I just will never know the answers to any of those questions. I miss you so much and every day I wake up with you gone is another day that my heart is heavy just from knowing you are not with me and how much I miss holding you.

Casting Crowns Praise You In The Storm

Every single day Hugh and I walk this path with our faith in God. It does not falter dispite the fact we have no idea why he would choose this for us. The song I posted about is about that very fact. We will always feel pain over the loss of our little boy and the dreams we had for our family that were shattered the day George went to heaven. This pain is unfathomable by anyone who has not lost a child and I can truly say that from experience. That does not mean that others cannot empathize, it just means that until you have walked this path you really have no idea, I know I didn't.

I do find comfort in that fact that if no one else understands, God does. He experienced this first hand and truly knows the pain that will forever remain in our hearts. He also knows the joy of being reunited with his son, something I have yet to have the pleasuer of doing but can only immagine what that day will be like(great song written by Mercy Me called "I can only immagine" For every single moment I feel alone here on Earth please know that in my heart I know I am not truly alone and find peace in the fact that God is there with me walking every single step because he truly knows my pain.

If you talk to any bereaved parent you will find we feel very much the same when it comes to the feelings of pain, aching, loneliness, and part of us missing. Physically and mentally we know that none of these are exactly how we feel but they are the very words we use to describe what the loss of our child means to us in order to express it to those who have never walked the path and parents who walk this road with us know the exact meaning of the words for they feel them in the same capacity. We could be in a huge crowd of people and feel very alone. There could be nothing physically happening to us but we feel pain and a heaviness in our hearts. Nothing was ever actually amputated but it feels as if part of us is missing. Words are just inadequate to use to try and explain it all but that is all we have to try and exlain it to others.

Yesterday it had been 5 months since we said goodbye to our son. I cannot tell you how hard ever single month is that goes by. Hugh and I spent most of the day working on George's garden. It is really starting to look good. There is just so much work that has to be done still but we are so determined to get it done. I am not a yard work person but I have been out there in the heat beside my husband working hard on a place that we can go to and be ourselves or just sit when we miss him. My nephew did come to help with the weeding while Hugh and I worked on a section of rocks. While we were in the middle of it a man walked up with a small flower arrangement that someone had sent for us(I suspect it was probably my mom who sent it) that said it was from our little monkey. For me it was very symbolic since it is much like life in the reguard that many times we have to do things we all hate and don't want to do but somewhere in there God will put moments of unexpected joy.

I tend to find that Hugh and I have learned to appreciate the small things. My aunt made us dinner last night and I cannot tell you how much I appreciated it. After someone dies, people drop by with tons of food and shoulders to cry on. Later, once the funeral is over, it is over for everyone but the person who lost someone. During the moments that you really need people the most, you tend to find that there that the support you had in the beginning that you so desperately need now is not there. It may sound odd but the days/weeks initially following and day you lost someone are actually some of the easier days.

It is when the reality sinks in that you need it all the most and yet it isn't there like it was in the beginning. When you find someone that recognizes that and on their own initiative does something like make a meal and drop it off, you are just so very greatful! There is no way that a person who lost somoene is going to just call you and tell you they need you dispite the fact you told them to. Sometimes the person doesn't even know they need the help or just someone to be around. I thought about this a lot lately.

A woman down the street lost her mother not that long ago. I went out and bought a card for her around the time of her mother's death. It is still here in my house. One day I sat there ready to fill it out and send it, like I usually do but something made me stop. The very thought of our own feelings made me wait. When I get a feeling that I need to give it to her, I will. I learned that sometimes it is just waiting until later that can surely make a difference. Having learned what I know now, I can say that this is probably how I will handle the passing of someone else. It isn't that you don't appreciate all the love and support that you had in the beginning I think that it just helps to know that someone is thinking of you and realizes that you are still hurting well after the fact. I don't knwo if it is all the support in the beginning that you have that makes it easier or if it is just the whole shock thing, I just know that my perception on the whole process has completely changed.

I have thought alot about the word Grace lately. Often times, we use the world without really understanding the true meaning or the awe of it's meaning. This is the Webster's dictionary definition... Take a moment and think of what it means to you before you read it.


Main Entry: 1grace
Pronunciation: \ˈgrās\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin gratia favor, charm, thanks, from gratus pleasing, grateful; akin to Sanskrit gṛṇāti he praises
Date: 12th century
1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace
2 a : approval, favor b archaic : mercy, pardon c : a special favor : privilege d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption : reprieve
3 a : a charming or attractive trait or characteristic b : a pleasing appearance or effect : charm c : ease and suppleness of movement or bearing
4 —used as a title of address or reference for a duke, a duchess, or an archbishop
5 : a short prayer at a meal asking a blessing or giving thanks
6 plural capitalized : three sister goddesses in Greek mythology who are the givers of charm and beauty
7 : a musical trill, turn, or appoggiatura
8 a : sense of propriety or right b : the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful

synonyms see mercy

Main Entry: mer·cy
Pronunciation: \ˈmər-sē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural mercies
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French merci, from Medieval Latin merced-, merces, from Latin, price paid, wages, from merc-, merx merchandise
Date: 13th century
1 a : compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power; also : lenient or compassionate treatment b : imprisonment rather than death imposed as penalty for first-degree murder
2 a : a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion b : a fortunate circumstance
3 : compassionate treatment of those in distress

— mercy adjective

— at the mercy of : wholly in the power of : with no way to protect oneself against

synonyms mercy, charity, clemency, grace, leniency mean a disposition to show kindness or compassion. mercy implies compassion that forbears punishing even when justice demands it . charity stresses benevolence and goodwill shown in broad understanding and tolerance of others . clemency implies a mild or merciful disposition in one having the power or duty of punishing . grace implies a benign attitude and a willingness to grant favors or make concessions . leniency implies lack of severity in punishing .


So many times I say that it is only by God's grace that we are making it through each day. Afer reading the definition and a lot of soul searching I have found that it applies to our lives in so many ways and the power of that is just amazing to me. I was surprised to see Mercy a synonym though...I never thought of the two being interchangable but after much thought they really are intertwined. I will elaborate in another post later on the meaning to me but I wanted to leave you with food for thought. This song I posted is so connected to the words in such a great way. We plan to name the baby Gabriel or Gabrielle depending on gender. That has nothing to directly do with this post but Hugh and I also decided that if we happen to be having a little girl that grace will be her middle name. This word has just taken on such a special meaning to us and I hope that you take the time to contemplate what it means to you.

Part of Me is Missing

I just miss you so much right now. I think about how 5 months ago you were still alive. We were celebrating daddy's birthday. How is it that the next day we would forever be living in a nightmare? I remember when you were crying and daddy gave me a hard time for going in and getting you that night. In the back of my mind I told myself I didn't care because if I didn't go get you and something happened to you I would be so mad at myself for not picking you up one last time that night. God I never thought it would be the last time I would hold you alive and get to play with you, see your smile, and hear your laugh. We played and you curled up under my chin to just have your mommy time. God I miss that so much! I knew I had to put you to bed eventually but had I know it would be my last night with you I would have held you all night long. Instead, I had no idea and I still remember the last moment that I shut those doors. You pushed yourself up and looked up at me with that sad face, laid your head down and started to suck your thumb! I played your music and put the sign of the cross on your head and said "angels watch over you" and kissed you one last time. Right now those memories just make tears streem down my face. My heart hurts so bad because part of it is missing and will be forever. You were my kindred spirit and I miss that connection. The day you went to heaven part of me went with you. Please know I love you so much and wish I could have been there the moment you went to heaven. I'm so sorry I couldn't bring you back and save your life, I really tried my hardest. God just wanted you with him as much as I want you with me. I don't understand it but I have to accept it since I cannot change it. My heart is so heavy and I miss you in ways I cannot explain but I am putting my life and yours in my faith in God and his plan for us. I can't believe tomorrow morning you will have been gone for 5 months...it seems like yesterday that part of my soul left. I love you for all eternity my little monkey!