Just Miss You So Much

I'm sitting here looking at your picture missing you so bad. So many weeks ago you left me and my life has never been the same. I look at your picture and wonder how in the world I am suppose to live my life without you in it knowing how heavy my heart is. I know I don't have a choice but to keep going but I can't tell you how difficult this is to do every single day. Life will forever be missing something...you. Tears stream down my face as I sit here without you in my arms wishing I could somehow bring you back to me. I know it is selfish since I know you are in a wonderful place but God I want you back!

So many people tell me that time will fix this horrible feeling I have every single day but I cannot even fathom that at all. Time has just made me miss you even more. I guess all those who keep saying that have never lsot a child. It still amazes me how you were here for just a short time and I am so distrought over loosing you. There are people in my life I have known forever and know that although I would be terribly sad if they left too, it would never compare to the loss I feel every single day over you. It may sound bad to so many people but I don't ever expect them to understand. This is just such a sad, lonely, difficult thing to have to live through.

Life is going forward and we are finding ways to still keep your memory alive within ourselves since you cannot be here. I did the in service at the hospital. Unfortunately, there were only a few people there but I think every single person is one more who is educated and could save more lives. I left packets with them and even gave one to my doctor today. It helps me feel like your death had some meaning to it and I hope that you are proud of me. There really are some good things coming from it all, and I am sure that you know that.

Things have been hard for us all these past few weeks but especially for Daddy. He misses you so very much. This has been such a hard year for him loosing his daddy and then loosing part of himself when you went to heaven. Sunday is Father's Day and is going to be so hard for him...please watch over him and stay with him. We also had the Dr. that diagnosed your brothers and you with Mito, look at his labs and he feels daddy has it too. I had thought that when I looked at the labs and learned more about his family history but of course I am not a doctor and wanted an oppinion from the doctor we trust the most. I know it was so hard for him to get that information dispite the fact I think we felt that for quite some time. We don't know if I happen to carry this too but no matter the case I know it is always hard to hear and also think that you gave this to your child. It really doesn't matter in the long run because we love you all and would still have you and still plan to have more kids dispite a diagnosis. We cannot live life in fear and refuse to let the bad things get the best of us. God has so much more in store for us.

I know you are ok and in good hands but I miss you more then words can ever say. Please keep watching over us all, I know that is a big request for such a small boy but I know God will help you with that. You are always in our hearts so we know you are always with us helping us through this with God's guidance and help. Know that we think of you every single day and love you so much!

God's Cake

Richard's paternal grandmother sent this to me yesterday. I really appreciated it and the meaning behind it and wanted to share it.


Sometimes we wonder, 'What did I do to deserve this?' or 'Why did God have to do this to me?' Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, 'Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.'
'Here, have some cooking oil,' her Mother offers.
'Yuck' says her daughter.
'How about a couple raw eggs?' 'Gross, Mom!'
'Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?'
'Mom, those are all yucky!'
To which the mother replies: 'Yes , all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! '
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.
If you like this, send this on to the people you really care about.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!

You Are Still Changing The World

Today seemed like it was just full of so many moments. Tomorrow I am going to be doing the in service at the hospital. It still amazes me that I have this opportunity, I truly never ever saw myself doing this sort of thing but I am so greatful to be able to do it. I finished up the packets I made, my powerpoint, and fliers for the fundraisers I am working on. It still just amazes me how much good can come from such a bad situation! I hope that things go well tomorrow and we have a good turn out and can educate so many people who can also in turn change the world themselves.

I also finally spoke with the woman from Stonyfield. It was amazing that someone from such a big company that has such an infulence would contact me, a bereaved mom. I got to educate her on how toxins play a big roll in our lives and how it took me loosing you to realize the impact that it truly has, especially on those with Mitochondrial Disease. We have seen such an improvement in the boys since changing most of their things to organic/toxic free items. I got to also share with her why George meant so much to me and how truly special he really was. To me that was the very highlight of my day. I miss him so much and for that short amount of time I got to still be that proud mommy that I lost the day he left. It was like he was still living on in my memories and I got to explain why he touched so many people.

She asked me what I had hoped I would get from sharing my story and what others would take from it. I told her I just hoped that people would not think that it couldn't happen to them and would educate themselves so that they never are in the place we are. We will always wonder if things could have been different but we know we cannot change what has already transpired. If one person changes their life or outlook on things because of George's story, then all the pain and things we have been through has been worth it because it has a greater meaning.

In some ways my heart is so heavy and then in others it dances with joy. We are finding ways to make good things come from this horrible nightmare we are now living every single day. I miss his smile yet it lives on by changing the lives of others who just look at his pictures. His spirit just showed through his smile and those big blue eyes he had. I miss holding him but he remains forever in my heart pushing me forward every single day to not only survive to make the world a better place. I hope he is looking down from heaven smiling and is proud of all that we are accomplishing in his memory.

We have the web page up and running for our Komfort for Kidz Campaign. wwww.komfortforkidzcampaign.blogspot.com is the page and has list of events and items needed for donation. Right now we are collecting plastic jars with lids or coffee cans to create coin jars. Please if you have them let me know and start saving them.

In September we are also walking in the Energy for Life walk in Camden NJ for the UMDF. They have always supplied any information I have needed for advocacy and teaching so this year we want to give back to them. We are going to walk in honor and memory of our boys. Please join our team and walk with us or feel free to make a donation if you cannot be there in person. Our team is called Mito Monkeys and this is our web page: http://www.energyforlifewalk.org/c.bkLPKbOULlK8E/b.6007487/siteapps/teampage/ShowPage.aspx?teamid=3764908

Last but not least, please keep us in your prayers. These past few weeks have been very hard emotionally. Tomorrow will be very emotional for me but also a great day but I need God's guidance to give me the right words and get this information to the right people. Sunday is Father's Day. This is going to be a very difficult day for Hugh. It is not only his first Father's Day without our little monkey but it is also the first one without his own father. In so many ways this will be an extremely difficult day. I know how hard Mother's Day was for me so I can only immagine how hard it is going to be for Hugh. There are just so many emotions involved for both of us the next few days that we ask you to pray for strength and God to be with us during the extremely difficult moments.

An Enlightening Moment

Today was such a hard day and there is no specific reason why other than we miss George and the shock has finally worn off and we are just left with this sadness. Hugh just broke down this morning after he got short with the kids. He just kept asking me if he was a good dad and that he felt bad for getting short with the boys. It was then that he started to just cry and submitted to his pain. So many times he holds it together, even for me, trying to be the strong one there for everyone else. There are just sometimes it is just to much for him to carry alone and today was that day. The rest of the day didn't get much better emotionally as I found random periods of crying for no apparent reason other then the heaviness of my heart and that was all I knew how to do.

I was in the shower tonight, were I do most of my best thinking, and then all of a sudden I had an aha moment. The song Holes in the Floor of Heaven kept running through my mind. It was only one particular part where it said there was a cold lonesome rain. That of course made me think of the song Bring on the Rain and that triggered a whole other host of thoughts.

My mind wandered to the very meaning of the visualization used with dancing in the rain and I definately got the concept of making the best out of a bad situation rather then letting it get the best of you. Never before had I thought anything other then that, until tonight. The opposite of rain is sun. The man use of these things that we think of happens to be with plants. Then I sat there thinking of flowers and how if there is too much sun they wither and if there is too much rain they do the same thing. In order for them to be strong and sturdy fruitful parts of the earth, they must have the perfect blanace of both sun and rain.

I then began to think of how that trasfered to life. Both the good and bad things help us to grow as people just as the sun and rain help to bring life to plants. When it rains/bad things happen to us, it is like God is giving us the water to quench our thirst so we don't wither. We need the rain/bad moments to become strong. Usually there are more sunny days then rainy ones and the sun is needed just as much as the rain, even more. Those good days are our days in the sun that cause the need for the rain to quench our thirst and that applies to our spirital lives. We are always disappointed when the rain comes but also know it is short lived and the sun will be back again. To me this all transends to our lives.

There are different size storms along with twisters/hurricans that come along and change our lives forever. We are never the same after these events but that also does not mean we don't come out better in the end. It can take years to rebuild a place after a hurricane rather then just a simple spring rain that most are accustom to. I don't know how many people have ever realized much of what I typed but I felt compelled to share my thoughts about it and hope that you can find something in it like I did tonight. This isn't like a spring rain and it will take a long time to rebuild and yes it will be different but it doesn't mean it can't be better.

So Many People Miss You

This week has been such a hard week not only for daddy and I but for so many of those who love you. We all miss you so much and wish that we could turn back time and bring you back to us. The pain is all so real and makes life so hard to live without you in it. I still cry every day and I don't think that it will every really stop. Part of me is just missing and will always be.

I pray to God every day to kiss you for me and hold you because I miss doing that so much. My days feel so incomplete because I can no longer do that. I remember when I would kiss you and bless you at night while you slept. So many times I would do that thinking that I wanted to do it just in case I didn't get to see you alive in the morning. My worse fear came true that morning you left us. As much as I had a feeling that day would come, I had hoped I was wrong. I thought it was just me being paranoid and it would never really happen to us.

So many days I would sit there and wonder what it would be like to loose my child. It was a million times worse then I could ever immagine. I remember reading web pages right before you died of other mothers who lost their child or were loosing their child. My heart always went out to them and I prayed I would never be a part of that club. Unfortunately, now I am and I can never get out of it. I wish this pain on no one, not even my worst enemy. So many people think that they get it but boy are they completely wrong. It is like no other loss dispite what they may all think and I hope to God they never ever have to truly get it.

You weren't suppose to die before me. I was suppose to watch you grow up and now I am just stuck with the sad pain of knowing I will never watch you do all the things I dreamed of for you. Why couldn't I have saved you? I thank God for the happy memories that I have with you and cherish every single one. I pray that I don't ever forget them because that is all I have left of you. I look at your pictures and feel so many times that you were just a dream of mine. Yet I know had you not been here and I not loved you so much that this pain would not be so great.

I pray every dad that the horrible memories disipate so that I can just have the good ones. Somehow, I know that it will never be that way. I'm constantly haunted by the immages of the worst day of my life. No one will ever truly know what it is to live with this in their lives. I remember the day you died more then I do the day you were born and it just hurts even more knowing that. We made it through that morning in a daze and shock to only have the reality of it all hit us months later. We cried and walked through the fog of emotions and events never truly understanding the long term. It is only months later that the reality of the rest of our lives truly sinks in and with it comes such deep heart wrenching pain.

In so many ways it is just worse because we now have to figure a way to live without you here but with you now living in our hearts. People don't know how to talk to us anymore and when they do, it just makes us feel so much more alone. It is like we have become china dolls and everyone is afraid to break us so we are just left up on the shelf with all the other fragile trinkets. Sometimes things they say hurt us so deep yet we have to find a way to try and forgive and understand the fact that they really have no idea how in the world this feels.

We hold it together for them all so that they don't have to see us cry because they can't handle it or they will just say things that make it worse. Crying somehow just lets us to feel something and in a way helps to relieve the pain dispite how much it hurts the moment we cry. Daddy and I hold it together but at the very least have one another and for that I am so greatful. Many times we cry together and then again many times we cry alone when no one else is looking.

I am so greatful that we have our faith. We have the hope of seeing you again some day and spending eternity with you. We have the hope that this pain will one day go away and that dispite how many days we live with the nightmare we now know, that it will all be gone. So many times we cling to God knowing that even though everyone else around us has no idea how we feel, he does. It happens to be those moments when we cry alone in the silence that we know he is there holding us and carrying us through all the moments we don't feel we can go on. He is there with us reminding us that he understands even when those we think should understand don't and say or do hurtful thinks without even realizing it. He is there giving us hope for an end to the pain we live through every single day.

We find peace in knowing that even when we feel alone we aren't. There is also a peace knowing that this is the worst pain anyone could ever go though so in reality it won't get worse. Since we have already been through this, it makes everything else seem so miniscule. If we ccan survive this, we can do anything. So many things now seem petty in comparison. We find small talk difficult to handle. I think it is because we are trying to hold it all together. For whatever reason when small talk starts, inside you are screming..."My son is dead, I don't care about the weather or the fact that someone else did something stupid. Life is too short!" We get frustrated with others who squander their lives and find it hard to even get into conversations about those sorts of things because we sit there and wonder what in the world God is thinking. Hearing stories of people who abuse their kids is hard because we loved you dispite everything and would have gone the world over a million times if needed and yet others throw their children away like the garbage.

I don't profess to understand it all, and I know I never will, but life has just really changed in so many ways. We know you are well taken care of but it doesn't fix the pain or ease it any. Some days are better then others. We have found we are no longer afraid to die and look at each day here on Earth as one closer to being with you again rather then the fear that death can bring to so many people. Life will just never be the same. We will be stronger people but always be missing you in our hearts. Hopefully some day we will be better at living this new normal but if we don't we know that we have will be together again someday and for that we are so greatful. Please watch over us all and stay as close as possible. We love you so much and miss you more than words can say.