Missing You Little Boy

Today is a very hard day for me. I am missing you so much today! Outside I carry a smile on my face but inside my heart is just aching. Our family is going through a lot right now and in the moments when all that doesn't matter is actually when I miss you the most. The moments that make me realize that all the money and legal stuff means nothing, happens to be when I see a smile on the faces of your brothers and sister. It makes me think of how you should be here with them.

I often sit and wonder what you would have looked like if you had lived. What would you be like? In my mind I often dream of the smile you would have had and how you would be running around driving your big brothers crazy and loving your little sister to pieces. In my mind you have big blue eyes and blonde hair and would be sitting on my lap hugging and kissing me and telling me you love me. The very thought of that breaks my heart since I know how very close we were when you were alive. You would probably have been the only one who liked mommy to put you to bed. I always was the one who did that when you were alive. I remember singing to you and rocking you and know that if you were still here I would do that with you still. We would read books and play cars and all that stuff I had planned for you. Unfortunately, we only got to play with rattles and squeaky toys.

I took a picture of your sister that reminded me so much of you. You never got to be her age but the facial expression was just like ones you used to make when you were alive. I know you would have looked alot like her. It is so hard to know she won't really have any memories with you but ours. She was sleeping the other day and just smiled so big in her sleep, I was wondering if you were talking to her while she slept. All the time she cries, I am the only one who she will stop crying for if I pick her up. Every time I pick her up, she grabs my necklace that has your ashes in it. There have been several times she fell asleep with it in her chubby little hands...its like she is hugging you in her own way. I know it sounds stupid to some people but these are the things I have to think of to help me get through the tough times like now.

I know that God loves you as much as I do and is taking good care of you but I can't stop but think that I would rather be the one loving you here. It is so selfish of me to want you here in a world that is full of pain and suffering but it is my heart that aches for you and wants you with me but also the one who is so happy for you and where you are. I thank God every day that he called me to his folds because then I get to see you again. The very thought of that is what keeps me going every single day. I don't know if you will be the baby I knew or completely different but my heart will know you and I know that for sure. It is going to be the most glorious moment every!

When I miss you I will often take one of the pieces of clothing that you never got to wear and put it on your sister, or something with a monkey on it. It isn't so that I can replace you because I can't but it is my attempt at helping her to know you and for me to feel your presence in my life still. The other day I realized for the first time that after the clothes she currently has to wear there is nothing left that was yours. I was so sad when I realized that. It made me think of the children in South America who are wearing yours and Kyleigh's mommy and how she gave your sister Kyleigh's clothes that she never wore for your sister to use. Not being able to see these things again just hurts so much. I will always look for girl monkey things for your sister so you can still be brought in her life somehow but it won't be the same as her getting to wear your clothes. I miss you and this just breaks my heart.

No matter what happens in our lives, I will always love you and every moment you are in my thoughts and prayers. I cannot believe my life is this way but I know my eternal life will be nothing but wonderful because you will actually be part of my life forever then. You just mean the world to me and I know part of me is always not here with me on Earth since part of me now resides in Heaven. I hope that God tells you all about us and how much we love you even though I had planned on telling you about him. Missing you My Little Boy!

Jill Compton

We have shared our tears and our sorrow,

We have given encouragement to each other,

Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,

We share the title of grieving mother.

Some of us lost older daughters or sons,

Who we watched grow over the years,

Some have lost their babies before their lives begun,

But no matter the age , we cry the same tears.

We understand each others pain,

The bond we share is very strong,

With each other there is no need to explain,

The path we walk is hard and long.

Our children brought us together,

They didn't want us on this journey alone,

They knew we needed each other,

To survive the pain of them being gone.

So take my hand my friend,

We may stumble and fall along the way,

But we'll get up and try again,

Because together we can make it day by day.

We can give each other hope,

We'll create a place where we belong,

Together we will find ways to cope,

Because we are Angel Mums

and together we are strong!

Through The Eyes Of A Child

© By Anonymous

I have climbed the highest mountain
And sailed the ocean wide
But nothing could ever fill my heart
Like a smile from a child,
I have seen the sunsets
That would take your breath away,
But nothing could ever shine so bright
When a child is brought our way,
When temptations were so many
And i dealt with selfish pride
Nothing could ever turn my head
Like a cry from a child,
This life is filled with obstacles
That make us want to hide,
But the world will always turn on time
Through the eyes of a child,
I've seen my days of sadness
And worry was so much
But nothing could ever cleared my mind
Like a childs gentle touch,
I have walked through darkened valleys
And traveled wayward miles
But nothing could stop me in my tracks
Like a smile from a child,
Our lives are set on a time scale
The clock will tick away
But there are no minutes for us to count
When a child has ask to play,
These eyes of mine are growing old
The future i cannot see
But the world never felt so much at peace
When a child sits on my knee.
I have lived my life on chances
And that’s how it was meant to be
But i've always had an angel
To watch carefully over me,
God sends us guardian angels
And we know not what their size
To help us with this life down here
To walk us through our miles,
God sends you this blessing
A little angel comes your way
To fill your heart with happiness
With every passing day,
So lift your arms to heaven
And hold them open wide,
God sends you a life of treasures
Through the eyes of a child

I Want You To Know

by Angela

A brief moment of darkness
was all that I knew,
before Heaven's Gate
came into my view.

Loved ones and friends
I had missed for many years,
welcomed me with open arms
and many happy tears.

All the hurt, fear and pain
that I have ever known,
is gone from my life,
I am finally home.

I gazed upon the Lord's
sweet smiling face,
and for the first time in my life
I knew and felt His grace.

I know that you miss me,
but please dry your eyes.
I will always be watching and loving you
from my home in the sky.

A cool breeze on your face,
a touch of light rain,
I will send as a reminder
that we will be reunited again.

Life on earth is but one
brief moment in time,
I am finally home,
Eternity is mine.

Second Wind

I have been so busy painting and getting my mom's house organized this past week. It has been completely crazy and very difficult to handle the kids for both my mom and I. Hugh and my dad are busy working hard on the basement at night or any free moment that they happen to have. Each time I go to our house I make it a trip that is productive and fill the car or van with stuff to bring back to my mom's house. We didn't plan on living here this soon but the boys room is here with their bed and Richard is away so Hugh and I can sleep in his bed while they work to finish our room in the basement but we have been here since we came back from South Carolina.

With us staying here, it is like we didn't ever live at our house. I can't bring myself to look in that direction anytime that I go outside but all in all it is a little easier at this point than I thought. Once the rooms are empty though, it will all sink in and hit hard. George's room is empty and that was so very hard for me to handle and I just have to leave his doors shut to his room because looking at it that way just breaks my heart. The trip to South Caroline however made me realize that there is a peace that is possible so it isn't as hard even thought it isn't easy either. I really need to find that peace again even if it means moving down south...I have already been looking for jobs for Hugh or I and the minute we were to get one, we would be ready to head that way, knowing it was all just part of God's plan for our lives. I have a feeling this is really where we are headed deep in my heart even though I know it isn't going to be an easy road and has not been one thus far.

The other day as I was busy working on laundry and sorting out what we are keeping vs pitching, I was watching a minister speak on television with my mom. She absolutely LOVES this minister and I personally don't care for him and can't watch him since his his facial expressions and gestures drive me crazy. Instead of looking at him I listened to his sermon which seemed to be speaking to my heart. His sermon was about pushing through in the tough times. I had never really thought of things the way he had put them and I wanted to share it since I know it can apply to so many going through all sorts of life trials.

How do you feel when you have just had enough of something hard? I know that often times I am ready to throw in the towel, especially when I know that it only pertains to me and does not affect anyone else's life. Often times though, if you push through, it is really worth it in the end. Sometimes you will jump into something with a great amount of enthusiasm that sometimes I loose if things don't go the way planned and takes longer than I've anticipated. It is like you are asking God and he just isn't answering fast enough or has changed the whole game plan on you. So many times during this grief process I have had my words with God and they haven't always been so nice.

In the bible God promises to walk us through the hard things in life but when you look at a hard situation you think there is no way you are going to get through it. Often times we look into the future rather than just looking at that day or that very moment. Breaking it down and just living in the day is not something we happen to be used to, we opt to look forward and in doing such we feel we cannot do it. Our society places this having to keep up with the Jone's mentality and a thought process that you are a looser if you don't achieve your goals in life and they aren't huge goals. I know for me this was quite hard since I never had a desire any grater than being a wife and mother. I did not want to be a lawyer or some other prestigious titled person. To me that was not in my cards, I just wanted to be "honey" and "mommy". When I dropped out of college and didn't get a degree so many people looked down on me and turned their noses up and once even my plans to become a wife and mother were kind of thrown off track, I was considered even more of a looser.

The roll of wife and mother took on a whole new meaning when I was given these very special children with extraordinary needs and obstacles. Somehow I had to become doctor, specialist, and all sorts of other things just to make keep our family afloat and even alive. Had I known that before or given up at any point I know for sure I would not be here. Looking back at the person I was and seeing who I am today, just astounds me because I would have told you there is no way I would be this person. Each obstacle made me stronger for the next and if I looked at them as a whole the very thought was overwhelming and I felt as if I was not capable of doing any of it. So often people will say they have no idea how in the world I have survived it all and am still a mentally sane person. I found out the answer and it was that even though there were moments when I became overwhelmed by the very thought of the obstacle, it was God who carried me and reminded me that I was a strong person and to take things only one day at a time rather than looking at the whole picture. Had I been given the choice I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago but God kept me in the fight knowing that eventually I would get my second wind.

Usually once you have gotten your second wind you feel great and as if you can conquer the world. You also feel so much better after the task is over that you hung in there and stuck it out because it was so much more rewarding. I know I felt so lost and lonely when my ex was in prison and I was left with this little boy. Every day I would wait in line to visit him in prison and yet my heart was not there...I was really just sticking it out. My thought of a happy marriage as I had knew it was totally gone. I tried to make it work and yet I knew it wasn't going to. Somewhere in there God showed me his love for me and also the love of a wonderful man here on Earth that would love me for me and that in the end all the heartache and pain made me a stronger individual(I was definitely codependent at the time) and also showed me what love was really meant to be. It was totally worth the wait in the end.

Often times I think of the pain and suffering that I am going through daily where George is concerned. The very thought that I have to live the rest of my life without him is so overwhelming. Knowing my pain on a daily basis and magnifying it over a lifetime just seems like way to much and I don't want to do it. In the end however, I know that the day I go to heaven, it will be the most glorious day! It won't just be wonderful because I get to be with God and Jesus but also because I will get to be with my son and all this pain and suffering will make it such a more beautiful moment! Am I willing to suffer now to get the joy later? My answer is YES!!! I cannot change it but I am willing to continue on in my faith no matter how hard that is just so that I can one day feel that Joy and all the pain and suffering to be gone!

Today I felt so bad for Hugh as he got his paycheck. For two weeks he only made 1/16 of what he used to. It is barely enough to put gas in the cars for the next two weeks so he can get to and from work. The economy is so rough and just the thought of where we could be with all of this is just so very much for him. He has always worked so hard to just make ends meet and it is always as if he is taking a step back rather than forward no matter how great of a person he is and how hard of a worker he is. We know others are living the same life we are but it just seems so very overwhelming. Right now he is just very down and out but I know he has to keep on doing what he is doing just waiting for something to break. I pray every single day that God be with him and help him to get to that point where he gets his second wind and life turns around for the better for us. When he gets to that point it will be a huge sigh of relief and there will be such a greater appreciation for it all in the end. Please keep him and our whole family in your prayers since this is not something we have control over and we have done all we can thus far and we are now waiting on God and taking it all one moment at a time.

I am also asking for prayers for those in this country who are also suffering like we are. We know their pain and loss right now. God has walked with us and I pray that he walks with each of them and helps them to realize that they are not alone. A family of 6 cannot live on $250 every two weeks. So many are hurting and lost and I pray they find comfort in God and know he is walking them each through it all. May they get their second wind and keep pushing through so they too can see the glory at the end of it all.