I have been so busy painting and getting my mom's house organized this past week. It has been completely crazy and very difficult to handle the kids for both my mom and I. Hugh and my dad are busy working hard on the basement at night or any free moment that they happen to have. Each time I go to our house I make it a trip that is productive and fill the car or van with stuff to bring back to my mom's house. We didn't plan on living here this soon but the boys room is here with their bed and Richard is away so Hugh and I can sleep in his bed while they work to finish our room in the basement but we have been here since we came back from South Carolina.
With us staying here, it is like we didn't ever live at our house. I can't bring myself to look in that direction anytime that I go outside but all in all it is a little easier at this point than I thought. Once the rooms are empty though, it will all sink in and hit hard. George's room is empty and that was so very hard for me to handle and I just have to leave his doors shut to his room because looking at it that way just breaks my heart. The trip to South Caroline however made me realize that there is a peace that is possible so it isn't as hard even thought it isn't easy either. I really need to find that peace again even if it means moving down south...I have already been looking for jobs for Hugh or I and the minute we were to get one, we would be ready to head that way, knowing it was all just part of God's plan for our lives. I have a feeling this is really where we are headed deep in my heart even though I know it isn't going to be an easy road and has not been one thus far.
The other day as I was busy working on laundry and sorting out what we are keeping vs pitching, I was watching a minister speak on television with my mom. She absolutely LOVES this minister and I personally don't care for him and can't watch him since his his facial expressions and gestures drive me crazy. Instead of looking at him I listened to his sermon which seemed to be speaking to my heart. His sermon was about pushing through in the tough times. I had never really thought of things the way he had put them and I wanted to share it since I know it can apply to so many going through all sorts of life trials.
How do you feel when you have just had enough of something hard? I know that often times I am ready to throw in the towel, especially when I know that it only pertains to me and does not affect anyone else's life. Often times though, if you push through, it is really worth it in the end. Sometimes you will jump into something with a great amount of enthusiasm that sometimes I loose if things don't go the way planned and takes longer than I've anticipated. It is like you are asking God and he just isn't answering fast enough or has changed the whole game plan on you. So many times during this grief process I have had my words with God and they haven't always been so nice.
In the bible God promises to walk us through the hard things in life but when you look at a hard situation you think there is no way you are going to get through it. Often times we look into the future rather than just looking at that day or that very moment. Breaking it down and just living in the day is not something we happen to be used to, we opt to look forward and in doing such we feel we cannot do it. Our society places this having to keep up with the Jone's mentality and a thought process that you are a looser if you don't achieve your goals in life and they aren't huge goals. I know for me this was quite hard since I never had a desire any grater than being a wife and mother. I did not want to be a lawyer or some other prestigious titled person. To me that was not in my cards, I just wanted to be "honey" and "mommy". When I dropped out of college and didn't get a degree so many people looked down on me and turned their noses up and once even my plans to become a wife and mother were kind of thrown off track, I was considered even more of a looser.
The roll of wife and mother took on a whole new meaning when I was given these very special children with extraordinary needs and obstacles. Somehow I had to become doctor, specialist, and all sorts of other things just to make keep our family afloat and even alive. Had I known that before or given up at any point I know for sure I would not be here. Looking back at the person I was and seeing who I am today, just astounds me because I would have told you there is no way I would be this person. Each obstacle made me stronger for the next and if I looked at them as a whole the very thought was overwhelming and I felt as if I was not capable of doing any of it. So often people will say they have no idea how in the world I have survived it all and am still a mentally sane person. I found out the answer and it was that even though there were moments when I became overwhelmed by the very thought of the obstacle, it was God who carried me and reminded me that I was a strong person and to take things only one day at a time rather than looking at the whole picture. Had I been given the choice I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago but God kept me in the fight knowing that eventually I would get my second wind.
Usually once you have gotten your second wind you feel great and as if you can conquer the world. You also feel so much better after the task is over that you hung in there and stuck it out because it was so much more rewarding. I know I felt so lost and lonely when my ex was in prison and I was left with this little boy. Every day I would wait in line to visit him in prison and yet my heart was not there...I was really just sticking it out. My thought of a happy marriage as I had knew it was totally gone. I tried to make it work and yet I knew it wasn't going to. Somewhere in there God showed me his love for me and also the love of a wonderful man here on Earth that would love me for me and that in the end all the heartache and pain made me a stronger individual(I was definitely codependent at the time) and also showed me what love was really meant to be. It was totally worth the wait in the end.
Often times I think of the pain and suffering that I am going through daily where George is concerned. The very thought that I have to live the rest of my life without him is so overwhelming. Knowing my pain on a daily basis and magnifying it over a lifetime just seems like way to much and I don't want to do it. In the end however, I know that the day I go to heaven, it will be the most glorious day! It won't just be wonderful because I get to be with God and Jesus but also because I will get to be with my son and all this pain and suffering will make it such a more beautiful moment! Am I willing to suffer now to get the joy later? My answer is YES!!! I cannot change it but I am willing to continue on in my faith no matter how hard that is just so that I can one day feel that Joy and all the pain and suffering to be gone!
Today I felt so bad for Hugh as he got his paycheck. For two weeks he only made 1/16 of what he used to. It is barely enough to put gas in the cars for the next two weeks so he can get to and from work. The economy is so rough and just the thought of where we could be with all of this is just so very much for him. He has always worked so hard to just make ends meet and it is always as if he is taking a step back rather than forward no matter how great of a person he is and how hard of a worker he is. We know others are living the same life we are but it just seems so very overwhelming. Right now he is just very down and out but I know he has to keep on doing what he is doing just waiting for something to break. I pray every single day that God be with him and help him to get to that point where he gets his second wind and life turns around for the better for us. When he gets to that point it will be a huge sigh of relief and there will be such a greater appreciation for it all in the end. Please keep him and our whole family in your prayers since this is not something we have control over and we have done all we can thus far and we are now waiting on God and taking it all one moment at a time.
I am also asking for prayers for those in this country who are also suffering like we are. We know their pain and loss right now. God has walked with us and I pray that he walks with each of them and helps them to realize that they are not alone. A family of 6 cannot live on $250 every two weeks. So many are hurting and lost and I pray they find comfort in God and know he is walking them each through it all. May they get their second wind and keep pushing through so they too can see the glory at the end of it all.
George's Guardian's of Grace Projects
Stocking project is now in full force collecting donations. We have a list of the items we can use. You can also choose to sponsor a stocking in memory or honor of someone else. We will include a paragraph or two in the cards we place in the stockings to let the recipient know about the person that means so much to you. Our paypal account is posted on this page and ready to take donations. Email us for a list of items needed or with any questions or information you would like included on a sponsored stocking/donation.
Video Tributes/Celebration of Life Footage
Here is a link to a video tribute that was made by Richard's dad in memory of George. Get out your tissues!
We Finally have footage from the service up and running:
It is in 4 sections running about 17 mins each. If you were unable to attend, you can now see what you missed. We were so blessed to have everyone there with us in person and in spirit!