Today is a very hard day for me. I am missing you so much today! Outside I carry a smile on my face but inside my heart is just aching. Our family is going through a lot right now and in the moments when all that doesn't matter is actually when I miss you the most. The moments that make me realize that all the money and legal stuff means nothing, happens to be when I see a smile on the faces of your brothers and sister. It makes me think of how you should be here with them.
I often sit and wonder what you would have looked like if you had lived. What would you be like? In my mind I often dream of the smile you would have had and how you would be running around driving your big brothers crazy and loving your little sister to pieces. In my mind you have big blue eyes and blonde hair and would be sitting on my lap hugging and kissing me and telling me you love me. The very thought of that breaks my heart since I know how very close we were when you were alive. You would probably have been the only one who liked mommy to put you to bed. I always was the one who did that when you were alive. I remember singing to you and rocking you and know that if you were still here I would do that with you still. We would read books and play cars and all that stuff I had planned for you. Unfortunately, we only got to play with rattles and squeaky toys.
I took a picture of your sister that reminded me so much of you. You never got to be her age but the facial expression was just like ones you used to make when you were alive. I know you would have looked alot like her. It is so hard to know she won't really have any memories with you but ours. She was sleeping the other day and just smiled so big in her sleep, I was wondering if you were talking to her while she slept. All the time she cries, I am the only one who she will stop crying for if I pick her up. Every time I pick her up, she grabs my necklace that has your ashes in it. There have been several times she fell asleep with it in her chubby little hands...its like she is hugging you in her own way. I know it sounds stupid to some people but these are the things I have to think of to help me get through the tough times like now.
I know that God loves you as much as I do and is taking good care of you but I can't stop but think that I would rather be the one loving you here. It is so selfish of me to want you here in a world that is full of pain and suffering but it is my heart that aches for you and wants you with me but also the one who is so happy for you and where you are. I thank God every day that he called me to his folds because then I get to see you again. The very thought of that is what keeps me going every single day. I don't know if you will be the baby I knew or completely different but my heart will know you and I know that for sure. It is going to be the most glorious moment every!
When I miss you I will often take one of the pieces of clothing that you never got to wear and put it on your sister, or something with a monkey on it. It isn't so that I can replace you because I can't but it is my attempt at helping her to know you and for me to feel your presence in my life still. The other day I realized for the first time that after the clothes she currently has to wear there is nothing left that was yours. I was so sad when I realized that. It made me think of the children in South America who are wearing yours and Kyleigh's mommy and how she gave your sister Kyleigh's clothes that she never wore for your sister to use. Not being able to see these things again just hurts so much. I will always look for girl monkey things for your sister so you can still be brought in her life somehow but it won't be the same as her getting to wear your clothes. I miss you and this just breaks my heart.
No matter what happens in our lives, I will always love you and every moment you are in my thoughts and prayers. I cannot believe my life is this way but I know my eternal life will be nothing but wonderful because you will actually be part of my life forever then. You just mean the world to me and I know part of me is always not here with me on Earth since part of me now resides in Heaven. I hope that God tells you all about us and how much we love you even though I had planned on telling you about him. Missing you My Little Boy!
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