Saturday, May 14, 2011
Laura Story - Blessings
I woke up with this song in my head and have been singing it all morning! Thank you Lord for the blessings of my life!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wide Awake
Last night was probably one of the worst nights I have had in a really long time, if not ever. I could not get George off of my mind. Tears just flowed from my eyes as pain just filled my heart. For some reason all I could do was keep running over the events in my mind of the day that he died. I was in a lot of pain from my back and gal bladder so sleep was hard to come by and no matter what I did to try and think of something else, I just couldn't.
There was a point where the pain from my heart just engulfed my very being and I sat there sobbing alone in my bed at 3am. Part of me felt guilty for having a moment like that when I have been doing so well even though I have missed him, it was nothing like I felt last night. Somehow you think that by this point I should have a better grip on it all and often times I feel like I have to always have it together even when I am alone. The last few weeks with Mother's Day has just been so hard for me and I just have been floundering trying to get a grasp back on it all. It isn't all the time but when the moments come, they come and hit hard...very hard. Talking to many mom's going through this too, they too have this even years later no matter the amount of therapy and medications they have taken or tried.
Somewhere in all of it I just asked God to carry me and help me find peace in all of this. As I sat there I realized that we went through trauma and that it takes a long time to heal from that and in the end you are never really the same. If I had been in a major car accident and had physical trauma to my body it would take at least this long to get back to working and functioning capabilities. Depending on the extent of damage done and all of that depends on what your personal struggles will be. Doctors and "experts" can tell you your statistics or give you what they think the typical route would be however every day there are people who don't adhere to that and even those who beat the odds, take steps backward only to move even further along.
Often times I think that people, even those experiencing this type of trauma, tend to forget that even though you can't see the bruises or broken bones it is a different type of pain and healing. Pain and mind placed injuries tend to take much longer because they aren't tangible and there is no set out come and we don't know enough about the brain and it's functioning like we do other parts of the body, it isn't that concrete. It isn't like saying you have a broken bone and we set it in a cast and wait six weeks or so to have it heal. I wish there was some way to be able to put a set time frame on it all but the only time frame I know of is lifetime. Just as when you break your leg, even once it has mended, it is just not exactly the same ever again. It was then that I realized that it was ok to feel the way that I did and that I need to allow myself these moments because without them I cannot move forward in all of it.
Often times it is moments like these that God draws us near. We often think of tears as a sign of pain without realizing that tears can be something used to help heal that pain. The song Blessings by Laura Story has found a special place in my heart time and time again. Today another mom posted a song on facebook called Strong Enough by Matthew West. It is about someone saying to God that there is no way that they are capable of doing what God has called them to do. So often I feel that way and last night was no different. I often ask God why in the world have we had to go through so many things and how in the world can I keep pushing through each one. Why can't he give them to someone else? Why do I have to be the strong one always struggling and never really seeming like I can catch a break? I keep trying to have faith in God's plan for me but there are moments that it is hard to do that and I just feel overwhelmed. This song personifies that and the moment that I realize I would not want anyone else to walk the paths I have and if I had to walk them to save someone else the pain that I am ok with that and that God is always and has always been with me. These are the moments that my head is in his lap and he is stroking my hair telling me it will all be ok.
It was odd, I have always had a hard time thinking that my son died alone in his room. There has always been some internal struggle for me to feel as if somehow I abandoned him in his time of need. I always felt if any of my children were to die that I would want to be there to walk them home and hold them as they took their last breath. With George I was never given the option to do that and I felt so horrible knowing his last breath was all lone in his bed. Did he suffer? Did he know how much I loved him? Did he know that if I could have I would have saved him or at the very least hold him for his last breaths? I was there for his first breath but was not there for his last, I felt that as his mom I should have been there.
As I sat there with all these thoughts rolling through my mind, it was then that I realized he too was not alone. I like to imagine an angel with him with his head in their lap as they stroked his head while he took his last breath and carried him to heaven. I actually went online and searched for a picture like that but there were none to be found...guess I will have to create one somehow...but that is a project for another day. I was just glad that God let me know he was with George even though I always knew it, I just felt a presence in my heart knowing he was there letting me know that he was there with my baby and is there for me every day when I feel like this. These are actually the moments I feel closest to God.
Thank you God for your presence in my life and being with me during the moments I feel alone or just lost.
There was a point where the pain from my heart just engulfed my very being and I sat there sobbing alone in my bed at 3am. Part of me felt guilty for having a moment like that when I have been doing so well even though I have missed him, it was nothing like I felt last night. Somehow you think that by this point I should have a better grip on it all and often times I feel like I have to always have it together even when I am alone. The last few weeks with Mother's Day has just been so hard for me and I just have been floundering trying to get a grasp back on it all. It isn't all the time but when the moments come, they come and hit hard...very hard. Talking to many mom's going through this too, they too have this even years later no matter the amount of therapy and medications they have taken or tried.
Somewhere in all of it I just asked God to carry me and help me find peace in all of this. As I sat there I realized that we went through trauma and that it takes a long time to heal from that and in the end you are never really the same. If I had been in a major car accident and had physical trauma to my body it would take at least this long to get back to working and functioning capabilities. Depending on the extent of damage done and all of that depends on what your personal struggles will be. Doctors and "experts" can tell you your statistics or give you what they think the typical route would be however every day there are people who don't adhere to that and even those who beat the odds, take steps backward only to move even further along.
Often times I think that people, even those experiencing this type of trauma, tend to forget that even though you can't see the bruises or broken bones it is a different type of pain and healing. Pain and mind placed injuries tend to take much longer because they aren't tangible and there is no set out come and we don't know enough about the brain and it's functioning like we do other parts of the body, it isn't that concrete. It isn't like saying you have a broken bone and we set it in a cast and wait six weeks or so to have it heal. I wish there was some way to be able to put a set time frame on it all but the only time frame I know of is lifetime. Just as when you break your leg, even once it has mended, it is just not exactly the same ever again. It was then that I realized that it was ok to feel the way that I did and that I need to allow myself these moments because without them I cannot move forward in all of it.
Often times it is moments like these that God draws us near. We often think of tears as a sign of pain without realizing that tears can be something used to help heal that pain. The song Blessings by Laura Story has found a special place in my heart time and time again. Today another mom posted a song on facebook called Strong Enough by Matthew West. It is about someone saying to God that there is no way that they are capable of doing what God has called them to do. So often I feel that way and last night was no different. I often ask God why in the world have we had to go through so many things and how in the world can I keep pushing through each one. Why can't he give them to someone else? Why do I have to be the strong one always struggling and never really seeming like I can catch a break? I keep trying to have faith in God's plan for me but there are moments that it is hard to do that and I just feel overwhelmed. This song personifies that and the moment that I realize I would not want anyone else to walk the paths I have and if I had to walk them to save someone else the pain that I am ok with that and that God is always and has always been with me. These are the moments that my head is in his lap and he is stroking my hair telling me it will all be ok.
It was odd, I have always had a hard time thinking that my son died alone in his room. There has always been some internal struggle for me to feel as if somehow I abandoned him in his time of need. I always felt if any of my children were to die that I would want to be there to walk them home and hold them as they took their last breath. With George I was never given the option to do that and I felt so horrible knowing his last breath was all lone in his bed. Did he suffer? Did he know how much I loved him? Did he know that if I could have I would have saved him or at the very least hold him for his last breaths? I was there for his first breath but was not there for his last, I felt that as his mom I should have been there.
As I sat there with all these thoughts rolling through my mind, it was then that I realized he too was not alone. I like to imagine an angel with him with his head in their lap as they stroked his head while he took his last breath and carried him to heaven. I actually went online and searched for a picture like that but there were none to be found...guess I will have to create one somehow...but that is a project for another day. I was just glad that God let me know he was with George even though I always knew it, I just felt a presence in my heart knowing he was there letting me know that he was there with my baby and is there for me every day when I feel like this. These are actually the moments I feel closest to God.
Thank you God for your presence in my life and being with me during the moments I feel alone or just lost.
Monday, May 9, 2011
It Just Hurts So Bad
"It just hurts so bad." is all I could say to Hugh as I sat curled in his lap today while the boys played around us and Gabrielle just sat in her chair smiling at me. I had made it through most of the weekend keeping it together while inside I was just dying. It was my second Mother's Day without George and my second with Gabrielle. This time last year I was pregnant with her and told my mom that she was on the way. Last year however, I was still in that shock stage and this year I was not and this one was much harder than last year!
We had opted to go with my parents to Lancaster with the kids and my friend Sarah. Mother's Day is not the same for my mother anymore since my grandmother passed away. For me it is not the same since I lost George. It isn't that you don't appreciate the sentiment but there is just part of you missing and it is hard to only be half there. As you try to hold it together and make it through, it makes the pain in your heart even tougher. Somehow you trudge through it all still being thankful for your blessings but still aching inside.
Today after we got home I finally just lost it. I walked up to Hugh and hugged him and just started to cry. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn't even talk so he guessed. Tears just streamed down my face as I curled up in his lap like a little child. With that each of my boys came over and hugged me and kissed me. Michael broke the silence by spinning his little light thing that he got onetime at Disney. As much as my heart aches I know I am truly blessed by all that I do have. The pain never gets easier and it is so very hard to deal with things from time to time especially on these special days. I feel like my son should be here playing with his brothers and little sister and it is as if something is always missing. Surrounded by all their love did however give me some comfort to know how God shows his grace even in the storms of sadness.
Today Gabrielle is 5 months old...a mark that George never made. As I hold her I think of how he never got to be that big and never got to do many of the things she has even done so far. He was such a sick little boy inside even though his face would never give you a hint of the struggles he had inside. It made me think of how much he was like me...dying on the inside while keeping the smile on and making the best of every moment and finding the good things in life dispite personal struggles. Often times I wonder if God spared him from so many things in life and if that is the case, and I have to bear this pain for the rest of mine so he didn't have to suffer than I will gladly carry this hurting heart.
God's grace came to me several times today in different forms. We finally got back into our area and I finally was able to listen to our local Christian radio station and I did not realize how often it speaks to my heart and God uses it to speak to me and let me know he is with me...I missed the station all weekend and it changed my heart the minute the music came back on. Next was a moment I had with Joshua where he just walked up to me and hugged me and thanked me for his "Georgie" necklace, a cross necklace I bought each boy, and he told me how much he loved me and said Happy Mama's Day! Richard bought me a crystal monkey at the cave that they went to visit with my dad. Michael just melts my heart when out of no where he hugs me and kisses me and tells me he loves me! Gabrielle just has to smile that melts my heart and I see George peeking out through her eyes from time to time. Hugh bought me a ring that had dragonflies on it and was just there to hold me, I am so blessed and thankful for him in my life that I cannot even begin to explain it. All in all I am truly blessed and find God's grace in these blessings, even the small ones.
I know that my heart will always hurt and it will always feel as if something is missing in my life. There is no way to explain things sometimes other than to say "It just hurts so bad!"
We had opted to go with my parents to Lancaster with the kids and my friend Sarah. Mother's Day is not the same for my mother anymore since my grandmother passed away. For me it is not the same since I lost George. It isn't that you don't appreciate the sentiment but there is just part of you missing and it is hard to only be half there. As you try to hold it together and make it through, it makes the pain in your heart even tougher. Somehow you trudge through it all still being thankful for your blessings but still aching inside.
Today after we got home I finally just lost it. I walked up to Hugh and hugged him and just started to cry. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn't even talk so he guessed. Tears just streamed down my face as I curled up in his lap like a little child. With that each of my boys came over and hugged me and kissed me. Michael broke the silence by spinning his little light thing that he got onetime at Disney. As much as my heart aches I know I am truly blessed by all that I do have. The pain never gets easier and it is so very hard to deal with things from time to time especially on these special days. I feel like my son should be here playing with his brothers and little sister and it is as if something is always missing. Surrounded by all their love did however give me some comfort to know how God shows his grace even in the storms of sadness.
Today Gabrielle is 5 months old...a mark that George never made. As I hold her I think of how he never got to be that big and never got to do many of the things she has even done so far. He was such a sick little boy inside even though his face would never give you a hint of the struggles he had inside. It made me think of how much he was like me...dying on the inside while keeping the smile on and making the best of every moment and finding the good things in life dispite personal struggles. Often times I wonder if God spared him from so many things in life and if that is the case, and I have to bear this pain for the rest of mine so he didn't have to suffer than I will gladly carry this hurting heart.
God's grace came to me several times today in different forms. We finally got back into our area and I finally was able to listen to our local Christian radio station and I did not realize how often it speaks to my heart and God uses it to speak to me and let me know he is with me...I missed the station all weekend and it changed my heart the minute the music came back on. Next was a moment I had with Joshua where he just walked up to me and hugged me and thanked me for his "Georgie" necklace, a cross necklace I bought each boy, and he told me how much he loved me and said Happy Mama's Day! Richard bought me a crystal monkey at the cave that they went to visit with my dad. Michael just melts my heart when out of no where he hugs me and kisses me and tells me he loves me! Gabrielle just has to smile that melts my heart and I see George peeking out through her eyes from time to time. Hugh bought me a ring that had dragonflies on it and was just there to hold me, I am so blessed and thankful for him in my life that I cannot even begin to explain it. All in all I am truly blessed and find God's grace in these blessings, even the small ones.
I know that my heart will always hurt and it will always feel as if something is missing in my life. There is no way to explain things sometimes other than to say "It just hurts so bad!"
The Brave Little Soul
The Brave Little Soul
By: John Alessi
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied. "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you". God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced.
In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.
By: John Alessi
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied. "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you". God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced.
In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
