"It just hurts so bad." is all I could say to Hugh as I sat curled in his lap today while the boys played around us and Gabrielle just sat in her chair smiling at me. I had made it through most of the weekend keeping it together while inside I was just dying. It was my second Mother's Day without George and my second with Gabrielle. This time last year I was pregnant with her and told my mom that she was on the way. Last year however, I was still in that shock stage and this year I was not and this one was much harder than last year!
We had opted to go with my parents to Lancaster with the kids and my friend Sarah. Mother's Day is not the same for my mother anymore since my grandmother passed away. For me it is not the same since I lost George. It isn't that you don't appreciate the sentiment but there is just part of you missing and it is hard to only be half there. As you try to hold it together and make it through, it makes the pain in your heart even tougher. Somehow you trudge through it all still being thankful for your blessings but still aching inside.
Today after we got home I finally just lost it. I walked up to Hugh and hugged him and just started to cry. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn't even talk so he guessed. Tears just streamed down my face as I curled up in his lap like a little child. With that each of my boys came over and hugged me and kissed me. Michael broke the silence by spinning his little light thing that he got onetime at Disney. As much as my heart aches I know I am truly blessed by all that I do have. The pain never gets easier and it is so very hard to deal with things from time to time especially on these special days. I feel like my son should be here playing with his brothers and little sister and it is as if something is always missing. Surrounded by all their love did however give me some comfort to know how God shows his grace even in the storms of sadness.
Today Gabrielle is 5 months old...a mark that George never made. As I hold her I think of how he never got to be that big and never got to do many of the things she has even done so far. He was such a sick little boy inside even though his face would never give you a hint of the struggles he had inside. It made me think of how much he was like me...dying on the inside while keeping the smile on and making the best of every moment and finding the good things in life dispite personal struggles. Often times I wonder if God spared him from so many things in life and if that is the case, and I have to bear this pain for the rest of mine so he didn't have to suffer than I will gladly carry this hurting heart.
God's grace came to me several times today in different forms. We finally got back into our area and I finally was able to listen to our local Christian radio station and I did not realize how often it speaks to my heart and God uses it to speak to me and let me know he is with me...I missed the station all weekend and it changed my heart the minute the music came back on. Next was a moment I had with Joshua where he just walked up to me and hugged me and thanked me for his "Georgie" necklace, a cross necklace I bought each boy, and he told me how much he loved me and said Happy Mama's Day! Richard bought me a crystal monkey at the cave that they went to visit with my dad. Michael just melts my heart when out of no where he hugs me and kisses me and tells me he loves me! Gabrielle just has to smile that melts my heart and I see George peeking out through her eyes from time to time. Hugh bought me a ring that had dragonflies on it and was just there to hold me, I am so blessed and thankful for him in my life that I cannot even begin to explain it. All in all I am truly blessed and find God's grace in these blessings, even the small ones.
I know that my heart will always hurt and it will always feel as if something is missing in my life. There is no way to explain things sometimes other than to say "It just hurts so bad!"
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