Wide Awake

Last night was probably one of the worst nights I have had in a really long time, if not ever. I could not get George off of my mind. Tears just flowed from my eyes as pain just filled my heart. For some reason all I could do was keep running over the events in my mind of the day that he died. I was in a lot of pain from my back and gal bladder so sleep was hard to come by and no matter what I did to try and think of something else, I just couldn't.

There was a point where the pain from my heart just engulfed my very being and I sat there sobbing alone in my bed at 3am. Part of me felt guilty for having a moment like that when I have been doing so well even though I have missed him, it was nothing like I felt last night. Somehow you think that by this point I should have a better grip on it all and often times I feel like I have to always have it together even when I am alone. The last few weeks with Mother's Day has just been so hard for me and I just have been floundering trying to get a grasp back on it all. It isn't all the time but when the moments come, they come and hit hard...very hard. Talking to many mom's going through this too, they too have this even years later no matter the amount of therapy and medications they have taken or tried.

Somewhere in all of it I just asked God to carry me and help me find peace in all of this. As I sat there I realized that we went through trauma and that it takes a long time to heal from that and in the end you are never really the same. If I had been in a major car accident and had physical trauma to my body it would take at least this long to get back to working and functioning capabilities. Depending on the extent of damage done and all of that depends on what your personal struggles will be. Doctors and "experts" can tell you your statistics or give you what they think the typical route would be however every day there are people who don't adhere to that and even those who beat the odds, take steps backward only to move even further along.

Often times I think that people, even those experiencing this type of trauma, tend to forget that even though you can't see the bruises or broken bones it is a different type of pain and healing. Pain and mind placed injuries tend to take much longer because they aren't tangible and there is no set out come and we don't know enough about the brain and it's functioning like we do other parts of the body, it isn't that concrete. It isn't like saying you have a broken bone and we set it in a cast and wait six weeks or so to have it heal. I wish there was some way to be able to put a set time frame on it all but the only time frame I know of is lifetime. Just as when you break your leg, even once it has mended, it is just not exactly the same ever again. It was then that I realized that it was ok to feel the way that I did and that I need to allow myself these moments because without them I cannot move forward in all of it.

Often times it is moments like these that God draws us near. We often think of tears as a sign of pain without realizing that tears can be something used to help heal that pain. The song Blessings by Laura Story has found a special place in my heart time and time again. Today another mom posted a song on facebook called Strong Enough by Matthew West. It is about someone saying to God that there is no way that they are capable of doing what God has called them to do. So often I feel that way and last night was no different. I often ask God why in the world have we had to go through so many things and how in the world can I keep pushing through each one. Why can't he give them to someone else? Why do I have to be the strong one always struggling and never really seeming like I can catch a break? I keep trying to have faith in God's plan for me but there are moments that it is hard to do that and I just feel overwhelmed. This song personifies that and the moment that I realize I would not want anyone else to walk the paths I have and if I had to walk them to save someone else the pain that I am ok with that and that God is always and has always been with me. These are the moments that my head is in his lap and he is stroking my hair telling me it will all be ok.

It was odd, I have always had a hard time thinking that my son died alone in his room. There has always been some internal struggle for me to feel as if somehow I abandoned him in his time of need. I always felt if any of my children were to die that I would want to be there to walk them home and hold them as they took their last breath. With George I was never given the option to do that and I felt so horrible knowing his last breath was all lone in his bed. Did he suffer? Did he know how much I loved him? Did he know that if I could have I would have saved him or at the very least hold him for his last breaths? I was there for his first breath but was not there for his last, I felt that as his mom I should have been there.

As I sat there with all these thoughts rolling through my mind, it was then that I realized he too was not alone. I like to imagine an angel with him with his head in their lap as they stroked his head while he took his last breath and carried him to heaven. I actually went online and searched for a picture like that but there were none to be found...guess I will have to create one somehow...but that is a project for another day. I was just glad that God let me know he was with George even though I always knew it, I just felt a presence in my heart knowing he was there letting me know that he was there with my baby and is there for me every day when I feel like this. These are actually the moments I feel closest to God.

Thank you God for your presence in my life and being with me during the moments I feel alone or just lost.