East to West by Casting Crowns

New Year

This past year has put our family through hell and back over and over again. Our biggest blessing was Gabrielle and our greatest loss was George. I truly hope that 2011 holds much better things for us as we still face the possibility of foreclosure on our home and although Hugh has a job it still pays less than his unemployment did. All that said nothing compares to loosing a child so I guess even if we were to loose our home, nothing can be worse than the day George went to heaven.

I sat here yesterday with the reality of how fast life can change running through my mind. Last year we were so happy and excited for the life ahead of us. We were in Florida with my family and just enjoying ourselves and life to the fullest dispite the whole lack of job thing, that was peanuts to worry about and we knew that the time would come when Hugh would get a job. Little did we know as we watched our little boy(my mom and Hugh at least) roll over for the first time, it would be one of the last happy moments we had with him in it. My heart breaks just thinking of how that happiness and naive thought process is something that I will never have again. Although I knew he had a lot of medical problems, I kind of took him rolling over as my sense of security. I always held my breath until they rolled over since that was the one milestone that Josh had a hard time meeting. Once I saw George roll over I figured it was all ok...boy was I wrong. What I wouldn't give to go back to that day.

I can't do that unfortunately and have to now live this life that seems so strange to me. I am grateful for our blessings and I thank God for them every day. In the year to come I just hope that there are better things in store for us and that we can stop just having to survive obstacles placed in our path. Hugh and I have just been challenged time and time again and it just gets so exhausting. We hope that this year also holds positive moments for all of you and pray for you and your families as we ask you to do the same for us.

11 Months and Forever Counting

Well today is 11 months since George went to heaven. I can't believe it has been that long. It seems just like yesterday. Today I felt so very overwhelmed with the thought that the numbers will just keep going up and seem never ending. What a sad and terrible feeling. I really try to look at things in a positive light but have found that very hard to do lately.

I did print out the pictures I have from Disney that I took of his hat on the beach and his name. I also printed out the picture from our trip to Disney when he was alive. It is a shame we will never have a family picture ever with our whole family in it. The thought of that just saddens me to no end. When we were in Disney this last time I bought a few frames to put them in and finally took the time to get it all together.

I also happened to do some thinking as to why the little boys really don't get the whole idea behind death. They don't get that he isn't coming back. On numerous occasions they have made many references to him coming back someday. I realized that in their world death isn't a big deal. You play a video game and the person gets run over by a car and magically comes back to life. With a game you can restart it and go back to the bad parts and fix it but it just doesn't work like that in real life unfortunately. I would give anything for it to be that simple.

For now we are just stuck having to find a way to live life without our son and always missing part of our family. We have good days and bad and good moments and bad moments and it will be this way for the rest of our lives. It is such an overwhelming thought but we can't change it at all so have to move forward somehow each day.

Simple things are Never Simple

You would have thought that putting away the decorations would be easy...wrong! Today we took down our tree, the few decorations we did actually put up this year and George's tree. I never did get the tree I had wanted to get with all that had transpired...kind of made me sad. The ornament thing didn't pan out as I had hoped since only a few people sent/dropped something off. A few people from our church, Hugh's brother Rick's family, a woman who had lost her granddaughter, a family friend, and I each added one to his tree. Josh and Richard had spent a good chunk of the past few days at my parents so I actually decorated the tree myself when I was in the house alone, not exactly what I had in mind but I did do what I had set out to do. I think that each year I will just add a dated ornament to his tree.

Today I took it down. Each ornament had a special meaning and was hard for me to put away. I did take pictures of the ones that were on his tree and will post a picture of them. It really saddened me to do it. I found it hard to put it up but found it even harder to take it down. Who ever would have thought it would have been a difficult task. I also found our family newsletter from last year that I sent out. Usually I send out cards with a letter to bring everyone up to speed but this year didn't do any of that. I felt guilty not doing it and then came across the one from last year printed with two pictures of George in them...I seriously don't know where it came from. Joshua looked at the pictures and asked to have them and said how much he missed George and that he was happy we have another baby but doesn't want this baby to go to heaven. What do you really say to that?

Since I was already in the cleaning mood I started to go through the kids things and got a bag together with toys that they have outgrown and sorted through things along with opening and finding places for the new ones. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be for me. Last year we held onto toys since George would have been playing with them. To realize that he would never use them and that these too needed to find a home just broke my heart. It was just so sad to finally say goodbye yet again to more hopes and dreams that I had for my son and our family. I think it just goes to prove that the simple things in life are the things that I cherish since one of the things I hold close to my heart are the memories I make with the kids while we play and I get to see them being kids. Life is just way to short.

Later this week we will hit the 11 month mark, the day he rolled over(new years eve), and New Year's which will all be difficult for me. I wish I could just fast forward through these moments. It sounds odd I am sure but things that should be happy just aren't anymore. Grief is just a different kind of beast. Simple things tend to be harder than the big moments and make me miss him the most. I look forward to being with him again some day.

Pictures

Think I need to specify that these are pictures of Gabrielle. She looks so much like her big brother George it is amazing and amazes me every time I look at her. Some pics she definitely looks like his twin and in others she looks like herself but it is uncanny how much she can look like him at times.

Poem used at George's Service

When God calls little children to dwell with him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love. 

For no heartache compares with the death of one small child, 

Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold,
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old."
"God knows how much we need them, 
and so He takes but a few
To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view. 

Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try, 

The saddest word mankind knows 
will always be "Goodbye."
So when a little child departs, 
we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children, angels are hard to find.

~Author Unknown