You would have thought that putting away the decorations would be easy...wrong! Today we took down our tree, the few decorations we did actually put up this year and George's tree. I never did get the tree I had wanted to get with all that had transpired...kind of made me sad. The ornament thing didn't pan out as I had hoped since only a few people sent/dropped something off. A few people from our church, Hugh's brother Rick's family, a woman who had lost her granddaughter, a family friend, and I each added one to his tree. Josh and Richard had spent a good chunk of the past few days at my parents so I actually decorated the tree myself when I was in the house alone, not exactly what I had in mind but I did do what I had set out to do. I think that each year I will just add a dated ornament to his tree.
Today I took it down. Each ornament had a special meaning and was hard for me to put away. I did take pictures of the ones that were on his tree and will post a picture of them. It really saddened me to do it. I found it hard to put it up but found it even harder to take it down. Who ever would have thought it would have been a difficult task. I also found our family newsletter from last year that I sent out. Usually I send out cards with a letter to bring everyone up to speed but this year didn't do any of that. I felt guilty not doing it and then came across the one from last year printed with two pictures of George in them...I seriously don't know where it came from. Joshua looked at the pictures and asked to have them and said how much he missed George and that he was happy we have another baby but doesn't want this baby to go to heaven. What do you really say to that?
Since I was already in the cleaning mood I started to go through the kids things and got a bag together with toys that they have outgrown and sorted through things along with opening and finding places for the new ones. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be for me. Last year we held onto toys since George would have been playing with them. To realize that he would never use them and that these too needed to find a home just broke my heart. It was just so sad to finally say goodbye yet again to more hopes and dreams that I had for my son and our family. I think it just goes to prove that the simple things in life are the things that I cherish since one of the things I hold close to my heart are the memories I make with the kids while we play and I get to see them being kids. Life is just way to short.
Later this week we will hit the 11 month mark, the day he rolled over(new years eve), and New Year's which will all be difficult for me. I wish I could just fast forward through these moments. It sounds odd I am sure but things that should be happy just aren't anymore. Grief is just a different kind of beast. Simple things tend to be harder than the big moments and make me miss him the most. I look forward to being with him again some day.
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