This week has been such a hard week not only for daddy and I but for so many of those who love you. We all miss you so much and wish that we could turn back time and bring you back to us. The pain is all so real and makes life so hard to live without you in it. I still cry every day and I don't think that it will every really stop. Part of me is just missing and will always be.
I pray to God every day to kiss you for me and hold you because I miss doing that so much. My days feel so incomplete because I can no longer do that. I remember when I would kiss you and bless you at night while you slept. So many times I would do that thinking that I wanted to do it just in case I didn't get to see you alive in the morning. My worse fear came true that morning you left us. As much as I had a feeling that day would come, I had hoped I was wrong. I thought it was just me being paranoid and it would never really happen to us.
So many days I would sit there and wonder what it would be like to loose my child. It was a million times worse then I could ever immagine. I remember reading web pages right before you died of other mothers who lost their child or were loosing their child. My heart always went out to them and I prayed I would never be a part of that club. Unfortunately, now I am and I can never get out of it. I wish this pain on no one, not even my worst enemy. So many people think that they get it but boy are they completely wrong. It is like no other loss dispite what they may all think and I hope to God they never ever have to truly get it.
You weren't suppose to die before me. I was suppose to watch you grow up and now I am just stuck with the sad pain of knowing I will never watch you do all the things I dreamed of for you. Why couldn't I have saved you? I thank God for the happy memories that I have with you and cherish every single one. I pray that I don't ever forget them because that is all I have left of you. I look at your pictures and feel so many times that you were just a dream of mine. Yet I know had you not been here and I not loved you so much that this pain would not be so great.
I pray every dad that the horrible memories disipate so that I can just have the good ones. Somehow, I know that it will never be that way. I'm constantly haunted by the immages of the worst day of my life. No one will ever truly know what it is to live with this in their lives. I remember the day you died more then I do the day you were born and it just hurts even more knowing that. We made it through that morning in a daze and shock to only have the reality of it all hit us months later. We cried and walked through the fog of emotions and events never truly understanding the long term. It is only months later that the reality of the rest of our lives truly sinks in and with it comes such deep heart wrenching pain.
In so many ways it is just worse because we now have to figure a way to live without you here but with you now living in our hearts. People don't know how to talk to us anymore and when they do, it just makes us feel so much more alone. It is like we have become china dolls and everyone is afraid to break us so we are just left up on the shelf with all the other fragile trinkets. Sometimes things they say hurt us so deep yet we have to find a way to try and forgive and understand the fact that they really have no idea how in the world this feels.
We hold it together for them all so that they don't have to see us cry because they can't handle it or they will just say things that make it worse. Crying somehow just lets us to feel something and in a way helps to relieve the pain dispite how much it hurts the moment we cry. Daddy and I hold it together but at the very least have one another and for that I am so greatful. Many times we cry together and then again many times we cry alone when no one else is looking.
I am so greatful that we have our faith. We have the hope of seeing you again some day and spending eternity with you. We have the hope that this pain will one day go away and that dispite how many days we live with the nightmare we now know, that it will all be gone. So many times we cling to God knowing that even though everyone else around us has no idea how we feel, he does. It happens to be those moments when we cry alone in the silence that we know he is there holding us and carrying us through all the moments we don't feel we can go on. He is there with us reminding us that he understands even when those we think should understand don't and say or do hurtful thinks without even realizing it. He is there giving us hope for an end to the pain we live through every single day.
We find peace in knowing that even when we feel alone we aren't. There is also a peace knowing that this is the worst pain anyone could ever go though so in reality it won't get worse. Since we have already been through this, it makes everything else seem so miniscule. If we ccan survive this, we can do anything. So many things now seem petty in comparison. We find small talk difficult to handle. I think it is because we are trying to hold it all together. For whatever reason when small talk starts, inside you are screming..."My son is dead, I don't care about the weather or the fact that someone else did something stupid. Life is too short!" We get frustrated with others who squander their lives and find it hard to even get into conversations about those sorts of things because we sit there and wonder what in the world God is thinking. Hearing stories of people who abuse their kids is hard because we loved you dispite everything and would have gone the world over a million times if needed and yet others throw their children away like the garbage.
I don't profess to understand it all, and I know I never will, but life has just really changed in so many ways. We know you are well taken care of but it doesn't fix the pain or ease it any. Some days are better then others. We have found we are no longer afraid to die and look at each day here on Earth as one closer to being with you again rather then the fear that death can bring to so many people. Life will just never be the same. We will be stronger people but always be missing you in our hearts. Hopefully some day we will be better at living this new normal but if we don't we know that we have will be together again someday and for that we are so greatful. Please watch over us all and stay as close as possible. We love you so much and miss you more than words can say.
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