This week has probably been the worst week for me since George died. I've thought a lot about why it is so difficult and there are many factors. Last night Hugh and I went to church to sit for an hour vigil in our church's Mary Garden and I think it was something that we both needed. It is a time for you to just pray and reflect and it was just the two of us in the church. Most of the time I sat there with tears running down my face as I prayed for God's guidance in my life and my families.
Right now things are more difficult then usual because my mother and I are having a difficult time associating since we are grieving in different ways. My whole life I have always been there for her and have been able to put my own feelings aside but I can't do that right now. When my grandparents died, I was over there on days I knew would be bad days and I would take the kids to try and help her though that difficult time dispite the fact that I was having my own issues. There is no way that I can even do that right now and she is left to greive on her own. She has support of others but just not in the capacity that she may be needing right now. She has never been good with death or even illness so this is new territory for her and I know that she is hurting right now.
She was upset with me when I told her that I did not want her to go with me to get George's autopsy paperwork. I didn't do it to hurt her but rather to protect her and also for myself. In that paperwork I knew there were going to be very graphic discriptions of how they dismantled my son. I knew going into it that she could not be what I needed at the moment that I got that paperwork because of her emotional ties to me and inablity to handle these sorts of things. I knew I would not be able to handle questions if she had them and I would just barely be able to wrap my head around it myself. I did not want to get upset with her for the way she felt in those moments so I knew that I had to go with someone else.
My emotions are so raw and have been since the day he died. The pain is unfathomable to most people and I know where my threshold is. I have said things or done things that people don't understand, especially my mom who loves me so much and I am the child she is closest with. She is hurting because she watches me hurt and also mourns the losss of George. It is a helpless feeling and I understand that but there is nothing I can do about it because I can barely be there for myself and my husband and children. There is jsut not enough to go around. I have tried to explain this but to no avail and right now we are staying our distance which in some ways is good and others is bad.
She has been there for me throughout my life and especially in the moments and days following his death, and I am so greatful for that. My mom is a wonderful person who means well but has never been one to handle these situations well. She is still grieving the loss of her own parents so adding George's death to the list, is just even more overwhelming for her. Usually I am the one she confides in and goes to. She use to do this with my grandmother too so now that she is gone and I cannot be there in a fashon she is use to, I am sure she is dying inside and feels so helpless and overwhelmed. There have been moments she has said things that she didn't realize would hurt me but I know that they were not purposly meant to do so. I am going to cry and I am going to hurt but she has a hard time seeing that. This whole thing leaves you feeling so helpless. Each of us have to do this in our own way and there is no right or wrong way to do it nor can we hold each other to personal exectations becuase it will just cause more hurt in the end.
Last night when we went to church, I prayed for her and for me. I asked God to give us both guidance and asked him to give us a way to find peace and understanding. He knows that he is walking with me and taking me to the place he needs me to be and so do I. It may be in a way that no one understands or is even comfortable with but it is how I have to do it for whatever reason. In some ways it has helped me to refind a relationship with my younger sister and also become closer to my husband. I never knew how he felt and I feel for him because I now understand the alone feelings that he goes through in a more personal way. I always met his issues of feeling alone to his own family situation with frustration and a lack of undrstanding. Now I just understand how he feels and the personal knowledge of knowing that you aren't going to be able to change anyone.
Everyone has their strengths and weeknesses and that is what makes us strong as a unit. To ask more of someone then they are capable of handling is unfair to the both of you. Right now God has different plans for our lives then we ever had andI don't understand them but I cannot change them either. With each of us feeling alone to handle this, we have found a way to lean on one another and walk through this horrible tradgedy. He is the one person that was there the entire time from the moment this hell started. He is going through the same emotions since it was our son. We are both dealing with the replaying reel of the days tragic events that haunt us each in our own ways. Although we griev differently we have found a way to be there for one another without any expectations of the other person and that is a wonderful place to be.
We sat there last night and pulled out a picture of George. He was such a beautiful little boy and Lord knows I miss him so much. We sat there looking at the stained glass window piece that had depicted Mary with her arms open but an immage of Christ as a child in the center of her chest. It was such a moving moment when I just looked up at it after kneeling to pray and realized the true magnitude of that. My heart ached so badly knowing the greater meaning that it held in such a personal way. We cannot be angry although it would be easier and nice to feel as if there was someone to blam. Hugh and I can't be angry with God dispite how much we would like to be. We have tried to be mad at ourselves to try and find some sort of reason or a place to put the blame...if only I had...is something that runs though our minds but never lingers long. It was just God's plan.
I happened to find a reasonable rate for a hotel in Williamsburgh. Hugh and I had contemplated going for the holiday but we decided to wait until later in the week to go. My birthday is a week from now so we figure we could go then depending on the weather. There are just too many commitments we already have to our church and just can't back out. We need some time away to just relax and have some time to collect ourselves. The kids need to have some fun and to just get away for a little bit.
Amoung all the craziness, I also realized why the holidays are so hard. You mourn again for the loss of the dreams you had for you and your child. It is also difficult becuase you are trying to hold it all together and it is in those moments that the realization of your loss is the greatest because you feel like you are missing something. It is also one of the times that people understand and think it is ok for you to be upset. I had been looking at a post someone wrote about how someone displayed their loss on their car through one of those window decals. Someone said that they were in appropriate because loosing a child is a personal thing that no one should display.
I think it is because it is harder on those who have not lost the child to come to terms with and fathom that sort of loss. They feel akward but we don't. we enjoy talking about our child no matter how much it makes our heart hurt to miss them. It is not only at those big moments and holidays for us, we go through it every day of our lives and will for the rest of our lives. I don't think you ever get over the loss of your child dispite the fact that society believes you should have gotten through the grief process in about 2 years at most and that is stretching it most people's oppinion...what a joke! Grief takes a lot of work and is a life long job that you will have until the day you are reunited in heaven. I now welcome that day with open arms for I know where I am going and how great it will be someday.
In some ways it is sort of like Easter. How many years has it been since Christ died? We still remember his death and celebrate it. We hurt for the tragedy that occured and the circumstances. No one could fathom that sort of death and loss and the very thought of it is overwhelming. That was quite apparent when we were at church last Sunday and the gentleman doing to reading began to cry. Somehow we find good in it all dispite the tragedy. I believe that is what happens when you lose someone, espcially a child. It does not mean we forget them, it is that we find a greater understanding and purpose to life. That is really what Easter is about, it is the eternal life. Life here is only a temporary home, it is not where we are suppose to be.
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