Normal?

Ok, I just don't know how to do normal yet. Most of the day was a pretty good day but it was just as if something was missing. The weather was beautiful so I decided to clean our van out. It needed to be cleaned for sometime now but the weather has just not made that possible.

I started to throw things out and get the junk out. Then I came across some of the babies things and just cried. They were from our trip to Florida. THe crazy little blue hat I have lots of picturs of him in was what I found. I remember holding him all day when we wehre there. He was in my Moby wrap and all tucked in close to me where he was safe and warm. My god I miss that more then words can say. Never did I think my heart could ever hurt like this just from a simple baby hat. I miss him so much!

I finished vaccuming and doing all the stuff dispite the fact I just felt terrible. Hugh took the boys to the car wash and got the outside of it done. It looks brand new inside, I hope it stays that way for a while. I am glad I did finally get all the stuff out of there. I think I am going to add the hat to the bag of clothes I am putting asside to be used in a memorial blanket for us that a woman is making for our family. How do you go through your childs things and fingure out what to keep and what to give away. No one wants clothes from a dead baby and the thought of just being given away without any meaning is hard too. This is litterally the worst thing to ever have to go through.

We did have a lot of fun with the boys since the weather broke. They were outside most of the day with Hugh and I. We started some of the prep work for the memorial garden. Hugh and I are still trying to figure out the logistics of it all. It was so odd for me to be playing with the kids because in the back of my mind I kept thinking of how George would have loved it. He didn't get to ever spend much time ouside since he was born in September and it was always so cold. I was looking forward to taking him for walks. Hugh and I had purchased a brand new stroller and car seat combo for him and we never got to really use it. God I had so many plans for him and thinking about how I will never get to do any of it just hurts so bad.

Josh was playing in the sand today. He looked at me and told me to come see what he was making. I got over there and looked at his creation. He told me it was a birthday cake for Geroge. He was going to have to sing it to him and leave it outside since he was no longer in our house and was in heaven. Josh is such a thoughtful little boy. That kid always takes me by surprise.

All of the boys had a blast running around. It was nice for them to be kids and have no cares in the world. The played on the swingset, kicked balls, and all sorts of fun kid games. Michael had a blast trying to get me to chase after him and catch him. It was nice to feel for a little while that we were normal but think this is how our new normal is going to feel. It feels as if something is missing, dispite the fact we are having fun. The ups and downs just kill you when they come like this in huge tidal waves full of emotions.

Hugh and I were suppose to meet with our Trustee to fix Josh's trust fund but that got postponed. My brother and his girlfriend asked us to go to dinner so we went with them. It was nice to go out with them although I still ahve a hard time going out.I think of how hard it was for us to go out before becuase it was hard to find a sitter because of George.

Now we can get one but it just is so strange not having to worry about him and yet still have him on my mind constantly. It is in some weird way as if we are betraying him and his memory by doing these things. It sounds odd but I just feel like he should be doing these things with us and just isn't. I don't know how to get past these feelings of knowing he is missing and everything just feeling so incomplete. It is going to be terrible if this is how the rest of my life is going to feel.

Maybe it is a normal that just always feels incomplete. I miss my baby and all the simplet hings and long nights. I want to just hold him and play with him. Watch as he plays with is brothers and daddy who love him. We will never have that again. We will never see him toddle around our yard or enjoy being pushed on a swing. There are jus so many things he never got to do that we all take for granite.

My aunt Joan stopped by today briefly to pick up a tupperware container and dropped me off a ring of her's that I admired. She gave it to me but had to leave since her daughter was in a terrible car accident. We had planned to get together this week so I could talk to her. For whatever reason, I have always been able to talk to her when I just can't talk to anyone else. She never judges me and just listens. She dropped everything the day George died to come be with me and that meant the world to me. She is going to try and come over this week so I can just sit with her and talk and go through some of George's things to decide what I want to send to have put in the memorial blanket. I want to do it, I just have a hard time picking and choosing because it is so emotional for me.

I am hoping that we will be able to get to church tomorrow...but I will see how I feel in the morning. Right now I am just having a tough time because I miss my sweet angel terribly. My heart just hurts so bad right now. On a good note, I did find a local jewler willing to help us with the pendants we ordered. They should be here in a week or so. He will solder them closed once some of the baby's ashes are placed in them. He is also going to take the wedding band and engagement rings from my first marriage and buy them and put the money towards a chain for the pendants. He was very helpful and I look forward to working with him. I cannot wait to get the pendants and to always feel like I am carrying him around with me just as I did when he was alive. It isn't in the same capacity but I just find some solice in that and I really need that right now. Please pray for me tonight because I miss my sweet boy so much, I know I will get through it but the pain is just very overwhelming right now.