Rough Days

The past two days have just been really bad for me. I miss him so much and right now I can't immagine it getting any better. Friday night I just sobbed horribly as Hugh and I held one another just yearning to hold him again and knowing we never will. It is so hard to watch other mommies who had babies around the same time talk about how their kids are now sitting and things like that...I just want to cry, knowing that would have been my boy too.

Both Hugh and I have been playing the what if game. In reality we know we can't change anything but the what if's still creep back into your mind. If I had gone in when I first intended to would he still be here? If I had changed his PJ's the night before, whoul that have helped? If panic had not taken over would he still be here? There is nothing that will ever prepare you for the moment you see your lifeless child. The very memories still haunt us.

I'm mad at myself for not getting him baptised when I had wanted to. I wanted to do it on the day my grandfather had passed. Instead I listened to everyone else, like I always do and didn't do it then. I thought I would have the spring with him and then everyone would be happy. Instead I am left with regret that I had to have some stranger do it when he was dead. There was nothing harder then having to go shopping for a chrstening outfit for my dead baby and know that he would be cremated in it rather then ever use it some day for his own children. It is just heartbreaking and will remain with me for the rest of my life.

Today Richard crosses over into Boy Scouts and my job as a cub scout leader will be over. I am relieved and sad at the same time. The ast two years have just been horrible for my family with both of my grandparents, Hugh's dad, and George all passing away. Right before all of this I asked one of my parents to co lead with me because that was just about when the boys old pediatrican closed his practice.

I knew we were going to have tons of visits thrown at us and I would just be swamped. Prior to the old ped closing practice we only had him and one specialist for each of the kids and we only saw that person randomly. After he closed, we have sceen about every single specialist that exists because our new ped is not comfortable with the kids care on his own. I don't know if we will be looking to change peds but the sad reality is that there really are none that are comfortable like our old doc was. I never anticipated this but was so greatful to have someone else on board.

Part of me wants to go to this since I know I have watched these boys grow but I don't know how in the world I am going to do this. Every single part of me just doesn't want to go knowing many of the people know and that it will be one of the first times to see them all in person. I'm just dreading the very fact that I will have to deal with the akwardness and hearing that they are sorry for something they didn't do. It is ironic how just a month or two ago I was looking forward to this and it being one of the first time's George would get to participate in watching one of his big brothers do something like this. He did go with me to the Dec pack meeting all decked out in his little santa hat and jeans...he was so cute and such a good boy! Little did I know at taht time, it would be the first and last time he would do something like that.

I am frustrated with this whole grief process. Some part of you just wishes you coul fast forward to the part where it gets better. You know the day will come but with so many set backs and out of the blue bad moments it feels as if it will never come. Trying to figure out how to associate with people who really don't know what you are going though is hard because you unerstand where they are coming from but are frustrated with it all still. Part of you wants to lock yourself in forever where the other part knows better. It is a constant struggle and tug of war with you wishing that you could have a remote control in this process.

This week there is a lot going on with the boys. We are preparing for Michael to start school in April. He has lots of appointments this week to work on that. Tomorrow night our church has a lent study program that we want to go to. Tuesday night we are suppose to go out to dinner with my brother in law and his wife. Going to these things keep you going but while you are doing them it is as if you are in some fog. It is kind of in a movie where a person is in a crowed room and everyone and everything in the backgroud begins to be blurry and you are left looking at the inividual. The world around their mind and what they are thinking is still moving and happening but that person is lost in their own thought process. I'm hoping for some better days and that the things we have to do run smoothly.