Progress

Yesterday was probably the first day since George died that I did not cry. There were several times I came close to crying but I didn't. I guess there is some sort of progress in that. My heart still aches terribly and I find moments in the day that I just want to be in bed and forget the rest of the world exists. I'm hoping that we can get a finalized death certificate soon and that the rest of the autopsy will be complete. It is like you are waiting for finalization so that you can move forward. I hate to be left in limbo dispite the fact I am almost positive that they will have no answers. We want to request copies of everything and then read through them and add them to our memory box that has now found its way into his bedroom.

The social worker from the school came over yesterday to finish getting information for Michael to go to school. She came to the house and you could see in her face from time to time the sadness she felt for us and the loss of the baby. His picture is above our fireplace and we have put monkeys and memerobelia on the top of it along with his urn. I bought this baby statue of a baby inside of angel wings and it is sitting on top of his urn. We picked a very simple one so that we could change things out for holidays and other momentous occasions.

Yesterday morning we had a lot of fun with the kids. Josh had taken all the pillows to the couch. We jumped from one pillow to the next. It was nice to spend this time with the kids and to see them laugh and spend time as brothers with mommy. Hugh took pics of us. Josh grabbed his monkey and we even took a picture with that. I think that we are going to take one of George's monkeys with us whenever we go somewhere so that we can still feel as if we are including him in our family things since dispite the fact he is not here on Earth with us, he is still a loved member of our family. I think it kind of gives us a way to still feel as if he is with us and to not be sad because he is not here physically.

Tuesday night we went out with Hugh's brother and his wife. It was such a great night out. I think we really needed it as much as they needed it. We miss the kids terribly. As time has gone on, our lives have just gone their own way and we miss the time that we use to spend with them. Now that the boys are older it will be easier for us to visit and spend time with them. We don't have to pack an entire room to just go and visit. They are older and in lots of activities so it has just been so tough for visiting. We miss watching them all grow up together and just having that family time they had when Hugh and I first met. Now that we have cut out most doctors and testing, we are not as wiped out and neither are the kids so it makes it easier to do this sort of stuff.

Hugh and I want to go away for a little bit. We have not decided if we want to take the boys or even when or how we are planning to do it. I think we just need some time away to be able to gather ourselves and really be able to move on. Once we have the finalized paperwork I think we will surely need it. The paperwork is going to be very detailed and hard emotionally to read. I know what it will entail and I know how draining it is going to be.

It is bad enough when your child dies, but to not know why and have to wait for the papers to say that is just terrible. You cannot find any closure until you get that stuff so it just drags out this whole thing in a very different way then it does when you know exactly why and what was entailed. There is a whole other factor added to loosing a child when it happens in this manner. Other parents who have lost a child understand the grief but they don't necessarily understand the other issues that come into play when there are no answers. I think that is why we feel as if we cannot move on totally at this point, there is no closure or answers and we wait in limbo.

The boys are all still having their moments. Richard had a rough day the other day. Joshua keeps asking me if we can just go get another baby. He misses George terribly and he was very close with him. There was a picture of a broken heart and he pointed to say that it was broken because George died and it was sad. At moments like those, you realize how simple children griev and find their own ways of trying to make sense of a world that now no longer makes sense to them. Michael will say he misses him randomly and has become super clingy, especially when Hugh leaves.

Tonight I am going by myself to a bible study program at our church. I'm looking forward to going out by myself to a place I can feel comfortable. Shopping is a nightmare no matter what type of store. We went looking for things for Michael's up coming party and it was just terrible walking down the isles seeing first birthday stuff, baptism decorations, and monkey party stuff. I just got sadder through each isle although I was happy to be able to do this for Michael. It is one of those bitter sweet kind of things.

There are a couple of books I plan on ordering about dealing with the death of a child. The SIDS foundation has sent us a book on SIDS and that sort of stuff. They are a good foundation, although sometimes their timing is just terrible and they make it worse rather then better sometimes. Many of the feelings that we have read about already that pertain to only sudden unexplained deaths have been helpful. Most people don't understnad loosing a child and even those that we know who do know that, don't understand the feelings and emotions also coupled with the sudden enexplained loss of a baby. We have found much healing through music and going to church programs. I'm so greatful for the relationships we have with one another and the ones we have with our children. I know that if they were fractured before this that we would be in a worse position then what we are in now.