Faith

Tonight I went to a bible study program at our church that was based on the story of Ester. I had read the passage before I went but once we started to discuss it my perception on the way I look at some of the things and life once again began to change. It is amazing how God works on your heart in times like these and how once you feel you have already gone as far in your relationship with him that you find you were yet again wrong. We were only a small group of women that were there but you could feel such a presence there with us.

We talked about Esters uncle and his dream before she was taken to be the queen. His dream was about two dragons and a fight between them with lots of discription of the earth breaking and water flowing through. In the middle of it all was the rightous people who rose above it all. I related it to my own life and how bad things have always happened to me and yet even in the worst of it all I have the ability to get through it. It is my faith that always pulls me through.

We then proceeded to talk about how we each remembered our first experience of knowing what the meaning of the word God took on more then just a knowledge of the word. I knew exactly when that moment was for me. Many of the people had grown up with faith from a young age. I had gone to church and done all the expected things of any catholic child and young adult. I had made confirmation and all of my sacraments yet I did not know the Lord the way that I do now. It was still just a name on paper until I was well into my twenties.

I think a lot of it came with the misconception of how if I was a good person and did good deeds I would go to heaven. That belief just set me up to feel like a failure and inadequate to recieve God's love for me. No one ever told me that I just had to truly believe that Christ died no the cross for my sins. Good deeds didn't mean I was going to be in heaven and making poor choices didn't mean I was going to hell either. That was such a foreign concept to me at that point in my life.

I happened to be working a second job at the time at an optomotrist office in Walmart. My exhusband had been in prison and the thought of a fairytale life had been long gone to me at that point in time. My heart was broken and I didn't knwo where to go or what to do but I felt a need to seek my faith. I began by reading this book series called "Left Behind" It is an amazing fictional series based on Revelations and the end of time as we know it. The part that hit me the most was the point when the mistres of the Antichrist said she did not "deserve" God's love and at that moment I remember feeling that same way. As you read on, her friends explain to her that no one deserves it but God gives it and that you don't have to be perfect to recieve it. It was such a powerful thing for me and changed my life and sense of faith forever from that moment on.

By no means am I perfect and nor do I profess to be but I will tell you that I believe in God and Jesus. I have learned that there really are no bad choices in life because if you learn from bad situations then they have meant just as much if not more then any lesson you could learn from doing it right or making good choices. We all have to walk through tough moments in life and we are all going to falter and fumble along the way. We cannot change or control the things that happen to us but we can change and control the way we look at them and respond to them.

I have also learned that it is not my place to judge others. There have been many tiems I don't understand people or their choices but it is not my place to judge them. I don't know why they do what they do and I don't walk their shoes. I am sure there have been many people who have wondered why I have made some of the choices I have made in my life. At the moment that things happen it is the right decision even if it is a bad one. Just because people make poor choices, it doesn't make them a bad person. All that matters is that when I have to stand before my maker for my judgement that I can stand there and be be proud of who I am and the life I have lead.

The hard part of all of this is that I know I cannot make that choice for anyone else. I may want the sort of faith I have for my parents, children, husband, sibblings, and other loved ones and friends but I cannot make that choice for them. Free will is one of the hardest things to accept. The awe that the knowledge of that brings is just so awasome and overwhelming at the same time.

I am so greatful for my faith. It has gotten me through all the tough times in my life, especially the one I struggle with and will struggle with for the rest of my life, the loss of my baby. Today I sat here looking at his pictures, which I haven't been able to do in a while, and cried thinking of the moments I had with him. It wasn't really sad but rather a greatful cry for the joy that he gave me and I understood why I hurt as much as I did, because I loved him so much and he just brought something special to our lives. We had to each bring something that showed our spirituality. I put my cross that I wear on my neck on the altar. We had to explain why it symbolized our spirituality.

Of course the cross is a strong symbol itself but mine that I now wear was the one my husband bought for me as a Christmas gift from George(my first and only gift from my little boy) It is made with saphires(his birthstone and my favorite gem) and is simple. The meaning of it has taken on so much more since he has left us here on Earth. It sybolized to me not only the gift of my son but also my faith because as each day goes on, I find my faith stronger then ever before and the purity of his very soul shows me what God wants from us and that is why he says we must come as children. Dispite the fact that my little boy has left the Earth, the lessons his death has taught are immeasurable and I keep finding new lessons every day.